The Doctors: Yesterday and Today

TODAY

Today was an absolutely awesome day. Unlike many other days when I sit around the house and watch TV, I actually went to the beach. It makes me feel guilty that I live in a country with so many beaches and I hardly ever go to any. It has been years upon years since I last went to a beach, so today was beyond great for me. Needless to say, I am dead tired. I don't even want to blog right now but I know if I don't then all the stuff I have to write about is going to pile up.

The day started with a visit to the shopping centre, which was a pain. My mother and I bought a floss yesterday but she forgot to collect it when she was leaving the store so I had to go back this morning to collect it. After I left the store I went to my family doctor. I wanted her to fill out a medical form for me, but she wasn't in the office so I had to use one of the other doctors, which was a bad idea because they charged me $1700 for two little words. When I got into the waiting area I heard someone calling my name. It was Aunty Keelie. I was shocked to see her there. What was she doing in the doctors office? She had brought my little cousin (Aunty Alexis's son) to the doctor for a rash he had developed overnight. While we were waiting, she told me that after she left the doctor's office she was going to take him and my three other cousins to the beach. I told her I wanted to go but she said she wasn't going to wait for me because I had so many other patients ahead of me. I was however able to talk to the secretary, who pushed me ahead of the other persons. These people were waiting for hours. Yes it's unfair but I asked for what I wanted. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, you don't.

I had no clothes for the beach but I went straight from the doctor's office to the beach anyway. Luckily my other cousins had extra clothes I could borrow. They are around my age, so I wasn't wearing children clothes, just in case you were wondering. It was a really fun day. I don't know if it was me but almost all the guys on the beach were super hot. Jamaican men are are a very sexy bunch. All those nice bodies on the beach made me appreciate the Jamaican Physique even more. I am still surprised there were so many good looking guys on the beach. They were much better looking than I am and that's saying alot. Can't wait to go back.

YESTERDAY

Recently, I have been having a bit of problem seeing out of my glasses so my mother decided to take me to her ophthalmologist yesterday. I told you I was a nerd. lol. I only wear it when I have to read stuff at school or lectures though. Ok. That's a lie. I have to wear it anytime I want to read anything far away. Anyway, it now turns out that I have developed astigmatism in my right eye. Boo Hoo. What can I do? It happens. My eyes are shit. I have to live with it. Anyway after waiting 3 freakin' hours to see the doctor we left and went to buy some food. It was late so we knew that we couldn't go home and cook dinner. While we were in the Chinese restaurant my mother ran into an acquaintance. She asked me if I remembered him and I turned to him and said, "You were a police officer right?" To which he responded, "I still am" We all then did a little chit-chatting while the food was being prepared. It was taking forever so I told my mother I wanted to buy a roll of floss in the meantime. We both went to the store. Getting the floss was also taking long so I told her I was going back to the restaurant to collect the food. So I left her in the store expecting her to collect the floss. She never did. Apparently she thought I had already collected it.

When I got back to the restaurant I saw that the police guy was still there. We started talking again afterwhich he asked me for my cell number. I thought it was strange. Why was he asking me? Why not my mother? I immediately thought, "This guy must be gay." He then told me that he wanted us to keep in contact. So I gave him my number afterwhich he left. He didn't even write it down or anything. I thought for sure he would forget it. My mother then came back to the restaurant and asked me if I remembered Sarah. I told her yes. She told me that Sarah and the police officer were dating but broke it off. My mother then said "He is such a nice guy. I don't know why they broke up". In my mind I was thinking, "Perhaps because he's gay. No straight guy is going to ask me from my number"

Later that night I got a text from a number I didn't know and in it, it stated, "This is the guy you gave your number to today. Save my number so that we can keep intouch..." I then texted him back and told him I was impressed that he remembered it. He then texted me back and said, "A number like mine one will and cannot forget." How sweet I thought. We kept texting/flirting back and forth until he asked, "How old r u? Can I call you now..." I told him I was 22 and that it was too late for him to call me.... He could have called me but it was after midnight and I really didn't want my mother asking me any questions. He then texted me back and told me that he was 31 and wanted me to save his email as well, which I thought was great because I communicate best throught the written word. He then asked me if he could confide in me. I told him that he couldn't find anyone more trustworthy than I am. He then told me that he was attracted to me ever since I was in high school but I was just too young, so he had to force himself to keep his hands off me. Furthermore he was a police officer so he couldn't break the law. The age of consent in Jamaica is 16 and I was 14. I then told him I was no longer in high school and I wasn't that young anymore. He wrote me back and asked me if I was his "type" because he was worried that someone like me wouldn't be interested in him. He is a very good looking, sweet guy but I really haven't explored my sexuality that much as yet so I want to keep my opinions open. I told him I didn't have a type, which was a lie. We kept texting way into the morning until he asked me if he could see me again. I told him yes. I'm the one that should set the date so I am thinking about next week friday.

I love flirting with guys but anytime it starts evolving beyond the flirting stage I get freaked out. It's almost like everytime a guy wants to meet me and get some face to face time, my self-sabotage mechanism kicks in. I just get this urge to put an end to the relationship right there and then. I am trying very hard to break out of this mould and go beyond my comfort stage.

It was getting really really late so he decided he was going to allow me to get some rest "Because a guy like me he would sex all night long". He then said Sorry. "Text all night long." I thought it was a corny joke but I loved it. When I went to bed my entire underwear was soaked with precum. Damn it! I can't control it. What made it even more nice was that he even offered to give me back all the money I used while texting but I told him it was fine.

I did a meet up like this once before with a guy I might on the internet. He was a super hot guy, but we didn't have any chemistry so nothing happened between us. Furthermore he was a Jamaican studying abroad and was only here for vacation so it would have never worked. Preparing to meet him made me a nervous wreck. Preparing to meet this police guy is making me a nervous wreck now. Getting involved with someone is so scary for me.

Now that I have finally met a nice guy that I (almost) know it scares me. I would be more comfortable if he was around my age though. It never totally comes together, EVER!! Does it?

Anyway, while writing this I got a call from a girl I gave my number to earlier this week too. She likes me but I don't like her that way. She tired to find out if I had a girlfriend. I told her no and she was shocked that I didn't, because "someone like me should have one". Her words exactly. Also she even tried to find out what I did all day today as well as what I was doing this weekend, what I was doing next week. Anytime I talk to girls I always feel uncomfortable. She even asked me how old I was too. (Always a mjor indicator when someone is interested in you.) I just want to keep it on the friend level with her. But when girls pursue me I always feel weird.

I am now trying to joggle a guy and a girl at the same time. My head hurts.

[Sorry guys. I will try to finish the sexual exposure part 2 soon. I will not be anywhere near the internet for a couple days so that's next week business. I also have some major major news to tell you guys too. I really should tell you but I don't know why I am keeping it such a secret.]

Sexual Exposure 7: Derrick The Rapist Part 1

I am having second thoughts about writing this post because I don't know if this is something I want anyone to know. I have never spoken or told anyone about this so writing about it on the internet where everyone can see it is difficult. But I thought if someone else might have experienced something like this then perhaps it could be comforting to know they are not alone.

When I first got to college, I thought that it would have been the start of a brand new beginning. And in a sense I was correct, It was the beginning of a brand new hell. I thought people would have been more intelligent and more accepting of homosexuals but as usual I was wrong. College turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life. There was no difference between the people here and those living in the ghettos. Sad but true. I don't even want to remember half of the stuff that happened to me while there. Like the time my roommate moved out without telling me (only because everyone suspected I was gay) or the time they wrote my name on a goat and killed it at my door (That was scary).

Anyway, on my first day on the dorm I was required to attend a general freshman meeting in the common room. I was a little late for the meeting so when I got there all the chairs were taken, except for one seat in the back beside this guy. So I went and sat down beside him. Trying to be polite I said Hi, to which he responded, "Hi, I'm Derrick. What's yours?" I then told him my name was Dave.

Derrick was this very masculine and muscly guy. Infact he was the first person I ever knew who had so many muscles. He had huge arms, a nice broad chest, big pecs and of course the popping abs. He was also a very tall guy with a height of about 6 feet 2 inches, (I think). Derrick also appeared to wear alot of tight shirts as far as I could tell, because I never saw him in anything else. If he wasn't wearing a tight shirt then he would usually be shirtless, especially if he was walking through the halls on the dorm after classes. I guess he wanted to show everyone that he had a great body. Too bad he didn't have a brain to match. Derrick was also an international student from a country that was less uptight about the gay thing so he was a bit more accepting of homosexuals than most other people. Additionally, he was also a very good athlete in many of the sports he participated in so that made he somewhat likeable.

Anyway, shortly after the meeting started, Derrick then asked me if he could see something on my hand. I said sure and so he took my hand and started playing with it. Yes, playing with it. He kept playing with my hand for like 15 minutes and so I started to get uncomfortbale. I then asked him if I could get my hand back and he stopped. For months to follow Derrick started doing alot of strange things around me but not wanting to think anything of it I just passed them off as just paranoia. Guys did this stuff all the time, I thought. Just for the record, I lived a very sheltered life before college so at times when people would say or do certain thinks infront of me I wouldn't know if it was typical behaviour for college students. So as not to look stupid I never said anything.

A few of the weird thinks I noticed Derrick started doing was the fact that if he was passing me in the halls when no one was around he would lick his top lip slowly then bite is bottom lip. And he always did it so that I could clearly see. I knew it was sexual but I just thought he was playing around. On another occasion while I was studying for a test in my room he came in and asked if I was finished. Because I knew he was also doing the course, I asked him the same question. He said no but he was taking a break. After that he then went and lied down on my bed. He was in my room for a while so I took the opportunity to study with him. At one point during the study session he said he didn't understand something so I took the textbook over to him to explain it. I sat on the edge of the bed after which he said, "I like that your bed is so comfy. I think I am going to sleep here tonight" I then asked him where was I going to sleep. And he said right beside him. I laughed and told him it was never going to happen. He then placed his had on my hips and started massaging it. Once again he had made me feel uncomfortable so I got up and went back to my desk. He never slept over. Thank God.

On another instance, I told him I was going to audition for the choir. On the day of the audition he shows up and tells me that he is going audition too. Why was he doing this? He was an athlete, not a singer. He sat beside me and stayed throughout the entire audition but never did audition. When it was over everyone make a made rush for the door, including myself. The door was small so there was a bottleneck. Everyone was pulling and pushing each other to get through like little children. All of a sudden I felt like someone was really pushing me beyond normal as if they wanted me to fall . I didn't turn around to see who it was. The next thing I knew was that someone had nestled their cock right into my ass crack and was using the pushing motion from the crowd to grind his cock into my ass. I turned around and it was Derrick. He was smiling and I basically just turned around and walked away. Luckily I was at the front of the door at that time so I really didn't have to endure it much longer.

In the dorm, everyone usually shared the bathroom on the floor. I usually liked using the shower towards the far back because it was the only shower that had the soap rack still intact. These were big communal showers with just partitions and a shower curtain so there really wasn't much privacy or security. One day while taking my shower someone pulled my shower curtain away and I turned around frightened out of my mind to see Derrick standing there just staring at my naked ass. I immediately pulled the curtain back and asked him if he didn't see or hear that someone was in here. He then apologized profusely and said he didn't. Really? Wasn't my towel over the rack and running water enough to tell you that someone was in here?

I know many of you will think I was stupid for not seeing what was happening but I really didn't. I wasn't thinking of Derrick in a sexual nature and neither was he a bad guy. He was a friend and he never did anything for me not to trust him. I honestly thought that all these occurrences were just mere coincidences so I never thought twice about them.

This is getting a bit long so I think I'll continue it tomorrow.

Update on Big Shocker

So I wrote him and asked about the email. He said I should just disregard it because it was sent by someone who had hacked his account. I knew it was too good to be true. I can't help but feel a little disappointed though. Aren't all the good ones usually straight? Also I can't help but feel less confident about telling others about my orientation now. Sigh. A great sign of strength turned out to be nothing more than a fluke.

Big Shocker!!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!!!! I am grinning from ear to ear right now. I just found out like two seconds ago and I had to blog about it.

So I was just reading my emails and saw that this guy I went to primary and high school with made a comment on one of my photos. He was a good upstanding kid but not really a head turner if you catch my drift. He was always a friend but not an attraction. Anyway, because I haven't been in contact with him for years I thought that I would visit his profile and see how life has been treating him. The first thing I usually head for when I want to see how my former schoolmates are doing is their bio page. There was nothing out of the ordinary there so I moved onto his photos. So I went and looked at his photos and can I tell you, that ugly duckling has turned into a Swan. That boy has become mad sexy!! I am not even joking. When I say someone is hot you can believe they are hot. Infact I am leaking precum like crazy right now. [TMI....:)] I hate when this happens but what can I say my dick likes what my dick likes. It has a mind of it's own.

Because I was now viewing him in a sexual manner, I remembered that he had sent me a few emails a couple years ago. In it he told me how he met my mother in the grocery store and how he was proud of me for doing so well in college. Being the type of person I am I wrote him back and told him thanks and asked him how he was doing. We exchanged 2 more emails but never spoke to each other after that.

Remembering that he had sent me emails I went hunting them down. Usually this is the first sign I exhibit when I am becoming obsessed with someone. While looking for the emails I realized that he had sent me one that I never read. It was entitled "Fuck Y'all" and it was a mass email sent to many of my close friends from high school. I was taken aback because this was unlike him. In the email he said he had a confession to tell us. His confession was that he loved men. In the email he further went on to tell all the girls he had sex with from high school (many of whose emails were listed in the To: box) that he hated every minute of it and all the moaning and groaning he did was fake. WOW!! He really gave it to them. In the end he said he was happy it was finally out and also extended an invitation to all the guys that he was available. This email was friggin Awesome. I wish I had even half the balls he does.

This email was sent to me in 2007. Yes I know. NEVER EVER SEND ME MASS EMAILS people!!!! I am not going to read them.

I am going to leave my comfort zone for once and do something out of character. I'm contacting him. What do you think? I don't know if I can trust him though. From that outburst it appears that he is very unpredictable.

Who Am I?

Have you ever had the feeling that you are never good enough or people don't like you? If you do then you and I have something in common.

For the pass few years I have constantly tried to change myself so that I would be more easily accepted and not perceived as weak. However in the process I think I might have loss sight of who I am or more accurately who I was. Change in this case doesn't only mean my physical behaviour but also how I view the world, how I communicate with others, what I wear, what i eat, what my values are, how I react to different situations etc. I am never quite sure if all my changes have made me a better or worst person.

For instance, if I were engaged in a fierce argument with someone, I would've typically be self-confident, dignified and just walk away but I have recently started viewing such behaviour as being weak. Now, my tendency is to engage and fight back, even to the point of using expletives. While I find using profanity a great way of voicing my disgust I am not entirely comfortable using it. However walking away with your head held high doesn't really put your aversary in his place either. I recently had an argument with someone and I mentioned it to my mother. She was less than pleased with my actions. I actually thought she would've been in full support but she wasn't. Infact she said that only persons that are incapable ot handling themself resort to fowl language. I hated to admit it but she was right. Her lack of support indicated to me how radical my change has trully become. I don't recognise myself anymore. She however pointed out that there were other avenues which could be used that were just as forceful as expletives without having to compromise my values and dignity. My mom is so much better at hitting people where it hurts than I am. God I wish I had that skill.

All of this came to a culmination for me last night while watching "She's got the look" with Shelly vs LeeAnne and "The Real World: Cancun" with Ayiiia vs CJ and Joey. Both Shelly and Ayiiia's behaviour were atrocious but in their minds they have done nothing wrong, especially in the case of Shelly. They are operating under this false preception that everything they are doing is right and just and all blame should be ascribed to those they deem unworthy. I am not going to get into a recap of the shows but Shelly thinks that everything LeeAnne does is pure evil yet she is unable to see that what she is doing is also very questionable, if not worst. Ayiiia's behaviour might not be as bad as that of Shelly's but she too believes her actions should not be called into question. Albeit her roommates are complete asses at times but I think Ayiiia is unable to realize how negatively her actions affect others. I mention both women because I find myself relating to them in a sense. Am I really like these too women who can't see they are doing wrong because they believe everything they do is infallible? That's scary.

I want to be a better person but I don't want to change in fear that I am betraying who I really am and I don't want to stay the same in fear that I am coming arcoss as unfriendly and weak. I want to strike a balance but I don't know how.