In New England

I know I have been away from my baby blog for a while but I have to keep my readers updated. As it is, I am in New England right now. Life has gotten a bit hectic for me once again and alot more complicated. For the first two days I have been here I was miserable. I didn't know anybody, I had nowhere to go, I was starving, my room looked like a cell, it still does, but with a little work it will be great, I was bored, nothing to do, no one to talk to and to make matters worst I got injured on my first day here. I was cleaning my room and lifting a few furniture that I knew were too heavy for me and one thing led to another and the desk slipped and with it so did my fingernail. It was pulled right out of my finger. That shit hurt like crazy. I had nowhere to go to get it treated or anything so I put tissue on it to stop the bleeding and when to sleep. lol. I went to the store the next day and bought some dressing. I am self treating it now. It feels better BUT if it gets worst I'll go to the health centre. It couldn't have been a worst few hours.

I am slowly getting a bit more comfortable here. Thank God. I have a routine and it's working for me. I am meeting one and two people here and there so it's not all bad. My roommate is also very understanding which is making the process a whole lot easier for me too. Thank you Jesus for blessing me with a good roommate. Once school starts and I get busy again I should feel like normal. Another reason why I am feeling a bit more comfortable and optimisic about living here is due to the fact that I went downtown yesterday (I am not in Boston guys. It was merely an unrelated statement. Sorry for the ambiguity. Boston was where I wanted to be.)

Downtown is like 10 minutes away from school. And when I went there OH MY GOD!!! All those cute boys walking everywhere. I was getting all kind of disturbed. lol. Those mother fuckers are hot. Excuse my language. Ohhhhhhhh boy, I'm going to have fuuuuuunnnn! Lol. While I was outside in one of the Cafes two very good looking guys came and sat right across from me. They probably weren't gay but their presence only made me enjoy my dinner more. Additionally, Downtown is so beautiful. The restaurants, the stores, the outside cafes, the shopping centres etc. Everything is so.....me. I am getting all giddy just thinking about it. To make the pot even sweeter my roommate then told me that I would probably run into a lot of gay people here because the area was very liberal. So if I did see them I shouldn't be too shocked. He even told me that a number of the professors at school were gay. I didn't mention that I was gay to him but that statement just made me even happier. Perhaps he mentioned it because he figured out I was gay. He seems cool with it so when it does come up it shouldn't be much of a problem. I hope.

And I can't even believe I forgot this. I SAW A MOVIE STAR TOO!!! No kidding. He came into our cafe and sat on the other side of the restaurant. I couldn't believe it. Everybody was rushing to take pictures of him with their phones etc. It was crazy. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would see an American movie star in real life much less see one in real life and have him come into the same cafe I was in. So sweet. I hardly remember stars names so I can't even tell you who he was but he was definitely famous.

I guess with time it will all fall into place.

He's Definitely Gay

After I got back from shopping today I saw some guys playing basketball at the end of the street. These guys were so young and fit. Seeing them flex their shirtless bodies kicked me into exercise mode. Because I am no longer in Jamaica, I can no longer do my regular exercise routine so I often go cycling in the evenings when the sun gets cooler. When I am in Florida I can't help but go riding. It's Awesome. They have wide sidewalks, lots of places to go and there is always a chance you will run into someone hot while doing it. Furthermore, I was also feeling a bit sexy in my short shorts so I took the opportunity to show off my legs.lol.

When I had worked up a sweat I started to head back home. While coming up the street guess who I ran into? Yup, that cute guy from across the road. [I am tired of calling him that so lets call him...Marco]. When I saw him, I screamed in my head like a little school girl, "There he is. There he is!!!" So as I was passing by I said Hi. To which he responded "You are back. How long have you been here? I haven't seen you around in so long" The fact that he said that made me feel great. Marco remembered who I was. I told him that I got here last week but I was leaving in 2 days. He then said, "No. Not again" When he said that I burst into laughter. His little face was so cute. I then told him I was going to be in Florida more often so it wouldn't be long before he saw me again. That seemed to have cheered him up. We then kept talking until he asked me how old I was again. I told him I was now 23. He then told me that I looked like 18, which was not surprising because everyone always thinks I am younger than I actually am. He then said he was 37. I was shocked once again. I thought he was 33. My God he's old. He doesn't even look like 37 for Pete's sake. He looks younger.

Recently, I find myself being sucked in by older guys. Am I going to be the type that only dates older guys? Anyway we had a great catching up conversation and it only reaffirmed to me while I was attracted to him in the first place. We talked about his job, school, Puerto Rico, where he was living before, his uncle etc etc. And in the middle of it he told me that I could come over to his house anytime and just hang out. If I were here longer I would have definitely gone over. He's a nice guy. I think we actually became friends at the end of that conversation. If I had the balls I would go over to his house tomorrow. But the age gap is giving me a problem. He is 14 years older than I am. Oh well. I am going to remain in touch with him either way.

Today I also got an email from Brad. He was this white boy I met at a hotel a few years ago. A few months later I ws flying to Boston to see him again. He and I have a long history together. A very mixed up history which eventually involved his boyfriend. I will definitely write about him in one of my up coming Sexual Exposure issues. Brad is one of those all American sweet hearts who is rich and cares about everybody. Anyway, he told me that he has been thinking about me a lot lately and wanted to find out how I was doing. He even wanted to know if I had any romantic interests at the moment. I told him I didn't and that everything was fine etc tec. Brad is a sweet guy with a huge heart but he is certainly not my type.

Everytime I write posts like these, I am impressed with myself. For someone in the closet, living in a homophobic country I certainly have alot of stories to tell. Imagine if I was out.....which might be sooner than I expect.

I honestly can't tell what people see in me. Sometimes I can't even look my damn self in the mirror.

Sexual Exposure 7: Derrick the Rapist Part 2

So I have finally mustered up the energy to write this. To be frank I don’t even feel in the mood to blog right now. I am feeling a tad stressed. I have so much stuff to get done. And to make matters worse I missed True Blood and Hung. Not because I didn’t remember, but because my aunt doesn’t have HBO. I want to cry. I love that show. It kills me that I can’t watch it now. Additionally, I am feeling quite horny. I haven’t gotten a minute to myself in days and I am going mad for some release. The fact that I am watching Logo is making it even worst. I would never in a million years think that I would have had the opportunity to watch a completely gay channel. It feels so good that I can. I watched Logo all day yesterday. It was fun. All the hot guys and gay themed shows, I can see why it’s a big hit with the boys. Anyway this is not what I am here to talk about.

In my last sexual exposure post I wrote about most of the odd things I observed Derrick doing around me. As I said before I had no reason to suspect that Derrick had any alternative reasons for acting so crazy. Just one of the weird stuff guys did, I would often assume. Being someone who hated living in a dorm I often went home on the weekends to get away from all the madness. On one particular Friday night I decided that I was going to stick around and get some work done. Deciding not to go home, I went to one of the computer labs on campus to use the internet. At this point I didn’t own a laptop, so I had to rely on the campus computers to get my work done. Around 1 am I was getting really tired and bored so I decided to log into my messenger to see if there was anyone there to keep me company. Everyone else had gone out to this huge party that was being held on campus but I never went because I was not a party person. When I logged in I saw Derrick and we started to chat. It was a bit strange seeing him online because I thought he would have gone to the party too. Anyway, I was getting even more tired so I told Derrick I was going to head off to bed. He then said “I hope you don’t disturb your mom on your way to bed”. I then told him that I was not at home. I was on campus. He then said, “In that case. Stop by Room 213 on your way up” I told him OK.

I was still a very naïve person at this stage in my life, so I never really thought twice about the dangers of going to another guy’s room at 2 in the morning. Furthermore, Derrick was a friend; I didn’t need to think twice. However what I found strange was that he told me room 213. Derrick did not live in 213. That should have been my first sign that something was off. Anyway, I put the fear aside and went. When I knocked on the door Derrick opened it and I walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. We engaged in a little chit-chat, where it was revealed to me that he was only in the room because he wanted to check some sensitive stuff online. I was curious about what sensitive stuff he was talking about so he walked over to his laptop and opened a few windows. He then called me over and showed me what was there. What I saw shocked and scared me and I immediately felt the urge to leave. He had a lot of naked guys on his laptop doing all sort of gay stuff. This was not something we had discussed or anything. He just threw it in my face and I didn’t know how to react. I was gay too but this was not something I wanted to face or discuss with anyone. What did he expect from me? He immediately started talking about how he liked dick etc etc. And the more he talked the more I wanted to leave. I could not take it anymore so I told him it was time for me to go bed. I got up to leave but he grabbed my wrist. He was really holding on tight. I then tried to use my other hand to lift his fingers off but he was so friggin strong. I honestly thought he was playing around. I told him to let go but his grip got even tighter and he got really serious. I was scared. I then tried to use my other hand to pry his fingers off again but this time he grabbed my other wrist too. At this point I realized Derrick wasn’t playing.

Derrick then proceeded to push me down on the bed and climb on top of me. I couldn’t even imagine what was happening. This was only suppose to happen to girls. He had me pinned securely to the bed. I couldn’t even move. I am not going to get into what he said to me throughout the entire ordeal but the gist of it was that he was going to fuck me and that I was going to like it. He even told me that he was attracted to me for a long time but found it hard to get my attention. For him, my games were going to end tonight. Can you imagine that prick? I wasn’t playing any games. I just didn’t have any romantic feelings for him…Plain and Simple. But that was no reason to force himself on me. He then started to hump me and grind his cock into mine. Nothing I said deterred him from doing it. Derrick then started to kiss my neck and stick is tongue in my ear. That was so gross. He then started to kiss my cheek and work his way up to my lips. When he got close to my lips I turned my face away and told him that if he didn’t stop I was going to scream. I know that was a girly thing to do but nobody had ever tried to rape me before. I didn’t know what else to do. It was the only thing that was going through my head at the time. I knew I couldn’t over power him because he was so much stronger and bigger than I was. The weight of his body alone was crushing me. He immediately took one of his hands from my wrist and covered my mouth with it. I guess the shock of him taking away that option gave me the extra energy I needed to fight back because I was able to use my free hand to push him off.

I made a dash for the door but when I got there it was locked. Derrick must have locked it when I came into the room. That fucking asshole. Needless to say before I could get it open Derrick was dragging me back to the bed. He was livid now. That fucker then slapped me in my face and told me to behave. I couldn’t believe it? Who did he think I was? This time around he was still pinning my hands down but with one hand. Even with one hand he was too damn strong for me. Sometimes I think, perhaps I was the one that was too weak. Derrick then made it even worst by pulling down his shorts to expose his erect penis. This had to stop. If I didn’t do something now I really would become a rape victim. He then started to rub his penis all over my leg and poke me with it. I really didn’t want to scream because it would have been too embarrassing. I wouldn’t be able to do anything without people whispering. He then started to slide his hand into my pants and started rubbing my cock. No! No! No! No! NO! STOP!! He just kept doing it. I wanted to cry but I fought back the tears. Derrick then started to loosen my belt buckle and that did it. This had to stop now. I really didn’t want to kick him in his nuts but he just wouldn’t stop. He left me no choice. I knew it was going to hurt but I didn’t want to do that to him. Sometimes I think I am such a dumb ass. Why did I care if it was going to hurt him? He was trying to rape be for God sakes. Anyway, I angled my knee accordingly and swiftly connected it with his nuts. He immediately curled up in a ball and rolled of me.

Once again I made a mad rush to the door and was successful in getting outside this time. Thank God I was free. I then ran downstairs. Ran to my room. Shut my door and crawled into bed. That night I cried myself to sleep. Somehow I was happy I wasn’t raped but at the same time angry that it even happened. Why do all these bad things happen to me? What have I done to deserve this? The next morning when I got up my wrists were black and blue and there was a welt on my face from where he slapped me. I felt awful. That dog shit. In the need to escape I had even forgot my school bag in the room. I went back to the room to get it but was told by the person there that Derrick had it. Why didn’t this boy leave me alone? I didn’t want to go to his room to collect my bag so I brought a friend with me so that he wouldn’t try anything. I didn’t tell her why I wanted her to follow me. When I got to Derrick’s room he was all smiles. He didn’t even show any remorse for what he did to me. He just acted like nothing ever happened. I honestly wanted to take a gun and shoot him in the head. I thought he was my friend. Why would he do this to me? Before I left he told me that he intended to finish what he started. I didn’t know what to do. For a while I was afraid to do anything by myself. However one day while I was walking into the building someone told me that Derrick had gone back home. This must have been a joke. This was an Oh Happy Day!! Apparently he had tired the same thing with another guy but this guy wasn’t at all tight lipped about it. He told everybody. Eventually everyone heard. A gang was formed which gave Derrick a sound beating that resulted in him leaving the country the next day. I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that. I was finally free to go back to a normal life.

Surprisingly, I still function relatively well today. I don’t think I am suffering from any mental limitations because of it though. Life goes on. I’m a bit more cautious with whom I talk to and associate with now. And I don’t really trust people as much anymore. It takes a lot out of me to trust anyone.

So that’s it. Now you and I are the only ones who know this story. I don’t think I was a victim so please don’t make me feel like one. Thanks.

I'm in Orlando!!

Right now I am blogging from a brand new location, on a brand new laptop. I have a Dell Studio now and I am loving it. Then again everyone is usually excited about getting a new laptop. It has some wicked-kool art work on the cover, which I absolutely love because it makes my laptop so unique and I also have bright red trimmings along the sides which is also great because I makes my laptop pop. I also made a million customizations to the basic design so my laptop is a bundle of Awesomeness right now. If anybody steals this one I would really die.

I guess I should also mention that I am not in New England right now. I took a detour to Orlando. I decided I needed to take a mini-vacation before I flew up north to deal with all the madness that is sure to greet me. I am staying with my aunt/adopted grandmother until next week. I think it was a good decision. I wanted to come here to shop for some clothes, school and household supplies but that was a waste. I packed so much clothes in Jamaica that my suitcases can't even hold an ounce more. My mother was warning me that they were going to charge me for overweight and you know what? They almost did. I will definitely have to fork out some big bucks to get my bags up north next week.

Getting to Orlando was pretty uneventful until I landed in the US. Once again I was detained by the US Immigration. Yes I have been deatained before. It was not fun. I was on my way to Boston the last time it happened but had to stop in Miami to change planes. I missed my damn connecting flight because of it and had to sit in the airport for hours to get a next one to Boston. I will write about it one of these days. This time when it happened I didn't even care what happened. I was surprisingly calm during the entire thing. I was even crushing on the cute guy questioning me. Only I would be thinking about sex at a time like that. lol. I think the US Immigration has me on some black list or something. I don't know of anyone else this has happened to twice.

The first morning I woke up here I ate Sweet American Apple pie and a huge glass of Orange soda for breakfast. Yup, Breakfast. I had only been here for a couple hours and I was already eating like these people. By the end of the day I had drank the entire 2 liters of soda by myself. At this rate I am going to be obese. I have to find a gym stat

There is so much I have experienced here already that I can't find time to write about it all. I saw an Armadillo running up and down in the back yard yesterday which was so cool. I have seen them in the Zoo but never in the wild. I know Florida is known for it's wildlife so I am sure to encounter more animals the longer I stay here. I was told snakes are in the back yard too. That's not good. If I see one I am going to shit myself. I've also seen turtles and crocs (babies) too. So Kool!!! Another thing that I found interesting was when I tired to log into Facebook. Facebook said" We recognize that you are logging in from an unfamiliar location please verify your birthday" I don't know why but I got a kick out of that. You better believe I am logging in from another location.

Being in Orlando also reminds me of this guy I met here 2 years ago. He was this hot Puerto Rican guy who lived across the street from me. I met him at the 4th of July celebration. My aunt, my mom and I were standing in the park looking at the fireworks when he came over and started talking to my Aunt. When I first saw him I thought he was so cute. After he finished talking to them he came over to me and said, "How old are you?" If you have been reading my blog you will know that if an older guy askes you your age out of the blue, it is likely that he is interested in you. It might not be a romantic interest but an interest nonetheless. I told him I was 20 years old and he then said, 'You're young!" I was a bit insulted by his comment so I asked him, "How old are you?" He said 31. I was shocked. He didn't look anything like 31. I was tempted to say, "You are old" but I didn't. We talked for the rest of the night. When I was ready to leave he asked me, "Will you be staying in the US?" I told him no, I will be going back home. He then said, "Can't you stay" I then said "No, it would be illegal for me to stay here. They will deport me." To which he replied, "I don't care. I want you to stay. I'll fight immigration for you" I laughed then told him that was sweet but not necessary.

Since I have been here I haven't seen him but I know he still lives across the street because I saw his sports car in the driveway and I saw his uncle cutting the lawn this morning while I was on my way bowling. Furthermore my aunt told me he still lives over there. I am not going out of my way to see him but if I do, then I do.



[P.S] To everyone that sent me emails. I will write you all back. I Promise. It's a bit hectic for me right now. And for those of you asking about part 2 of sexual exposure. I don't know if I can write it. It's not something I really want to remember. Perhaps starting it was not such a good idea. I will try to finish it though. If only not to leave you hanging.

My Mother Wept

So do you guys remember when I said I had some huge news to tell you? Well I guess it's time now.

This morning my mom called me into the living room and said, "Lets pray". I knew why she wanted to pray so I rushed to the living room without hesitation, unlike what I usually did. Afterall it was only appropriate given what was going to happen. When I got to the living room I looked into my mothers eyes and they were red. I saw a single tear rolling down her face and I immediately knew she was hurting. Before she could even open her mouth she started crying. It was so hard to see my mother crying. There was only one other time in my whole life that I ever seen my mother cry and that was when she was extremely sick and the fear of death was lurking.

I couldn't stop her from crying. I tried reassuring her that everything would be fine but she just kept crying. At one point I started to cry too. I am even tearing up right now. I don't want to see my mother like this. This was the last thing I thought she was going to do. Remain Strong Mom!

The reason my mom was crying was because this is my Last day at home. My mother and I have lived together for over 20 years and during that time we have become very dependent on each other. I depend on her for sooo much and she depends on me for sooo much. And the fact that they broke into our house recently have made her really uneasy to live by herself. Now she is going to be here all alone with no one to talk to. I am so sorry for leaving you. Be Strong Mom!! I love my mother so much. I just want her to be ok. I joke with her all the time that I will not be coming back but I never knew she was feeling this way. I would've never made jokes like that if I knew she felt so strongly about me leaving. You should have seen her. It broke my heart to see her like that.

I will be going to live in the Northeastern portion of the United States. Infact I am not only going there to live but I am also going there for college. Yes Axorians. I will be attending a US college this fall to pursue my Doctorate. Anytime I hear Northeast I think about Ivy Leagues. I really really really had my heart sent on going to Cornell but they rejected me. Assholes! They had a great freakin' program too. Damn you admin. I guess Brown isn't so bad. They have a great program too but, not as good as Cornell. I am just kidding you guys, I am not going to Brown either. I am not going to spell out where I am going exactly but I can say that Boston is a beautiful city. :D

Anyway, I am leaving in a few minutes and I still have a few stuff to get done so I gotta run. The next time I blog it will be from the Great US of A.

I really hope my mom can survive without me fo so long. STAY STRONG MOM!!!