Friday, January 22, 2010


Somebody please give me an award. I WAS RIGHT!! He lost interest.

So here's how the story unfolded/

Up to this point I had not unlocked my private pics for him because I had a sneaky feeling this would happen. It would have been common courtesy for me to unlock my private pics too since he had already done so but I wanted to prolong my fantasy as long as I could. He however finally asked me if he could see them and I willingly obliged. In addition to unlocking them I also responded to an email he sent earlier. Usually he would've responded to my email even if I had not asked a question, but this time around he didn't. From this point onward, I knew it was over but I still had hope. A few emails back, he and I exchanged AIM names but we never really got a chance to use it. Thinking that he probably didn't respond to my email because he knew he would run into me on AIM made me a little less worried. Later that night I saw him sign in but he didn't send me an IM so I decided I would. I typed "Alex?" Then 2 seconds later he went offline. I was destroyed but still very hopefully that he might have been busy, at work, or on his way to class. (Talk about making excuses when the truth is right in front of your face.) I stayed up until about 1 am to see if he would sign in again but he didn't. This was usually the time he sent me emails or asked me if I am online? That little bastard. lol. The fact that he didn't sign in made it clear. He was no longer interested.

Today I really had a hard time focusing at school. All I could think about was the cold shoulder he had given me after unlocking my private pics. I think it is either one of three reasons. 1. I'm black (He's white) 2. I wasn't attractive enough for him. 3. I wasn't showing enough "skin" in my privates (LOL LOL). Honestly, I don't think I am super model gorgeous but I don't think I am bad looking either so I'm thinking it's one of the other two (Black). Seriously, his reaction/behaviour really messed with my self esteem, even to the point of making we extremely depressed and a little suicidal. I even wanted to cry when I was sitting in the cafe having lunch. But bursting into tears would cause a scene. lol I really needed my friends but as usual none of them were around when I really needed them. (I was a wreck). And what made it worst was the fact that he had even written a forum about how difficult it was to find someone who wanted a relationship and not just sex or a hook up and how he hated people who were shallow. He even wrote that he was tired of having his "heart/hopes crushed too many times". lol. Now that I read his post again I want to laugh. This is so hypocritical. Weird, I thought if he knew what it felt like to have his heart crushed he would try to avoid causing other people the same pain. I would. [Sigh] I actually thought he was different.

This morning I ensured that I signed into AIM all day under invisible to see if he would come online. He didn't. I have been sitting here infront of my computer for a while now and he still hasn't signed in. It hit me earlier, that the offline message I got after sending him the IM was actually him removing me from his list. lol. Isn't that funny? All that time wasted waiting for someone to sign in who had already deleted you from their list 18 hours ago. LOL. My life is good. lol. On AIM you can never tell if someone has actually removed you from their buddy list. You just never know. I think he did though but if you guys know how to tell, let me know too. OK?

If you couldn't tell I am really taking this hard guys. Even though I know it was inevitable it still hurts like hell. Imagine if I was in an actual relationship with him. My God... I don't even want to think about what I would've done. You guys must all think I am crazy and perhaps damaged. To be honest I do think I am a little damaged. I haven't done 3/4 of the stuff people my age have (sex, kissed anybody etc) so everything is 3 times as difficult for me. Yup, I am definitely dying a kissless, lonely virgin. lol lol.

I am impressed with myself though. Anybody in my position would have definitely killed themselves already. Now the question is, “How much more of this can I handle?” Right now, I am pretty much tempted to close all my social networking accounts. But at the risk of alienating nice and genuine people I often resist the urge. What I am doing instead is writing an irrate "About Me" section with who I want sending me emails. (It's not pretty. I already wrote it. just trying to decided if I should put it up). What do you guys think? Bad or not?

Sometimes I think people don't realize how much their actions impact others. Up to this point there are very few people, through their actions, who have proven to me that not all humans are assholes. And for that I am very grateful. I guess this is a good time to tell you that Scott did infact accept my request. I told you he had a heart of gold. (And THANKS for the Shout Out Scott. I've never seen so much blog traffic in my life)

Anyway, please Don’t try to make me feel better by telling me it gets better. It never does!!! I am also sorry to inform you my dear readers that a good heart counts for nothing if it's not attached to a hot body. ie. If you are looking of a relationship.

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