Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Social Butterfly

So I have been here on campus for a couple days now and I have seen alot of really cute boys walking around but it seems like none of them are even giving me a second glance. I was getting really disheartened. At one point I thought I might not be dressing well enough to catch anyone's eye so I placed more effort into how I looked. Still there was no reaction from any guy. This was the last straw. I was going to give up even trying to attract a guy. This was turning out to be just like Jamaica. I tired to tell myself that no one is going to be attracted to you by just walking by but even so I was getting depressed.

Tonight, all of that kinda changed. TONIGHT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! So they had a pizza party for all the international students tonight and I decided that I was going to go. I already knew a few people there, because I met them at orientation yesterday, so it was a bit easier for me to go around and socialize. This party was meant to bring all the international students from all the groups together so it had alot more people there than the previous day so I was a bit intimidated when I walked into the room and saw all these new faces. However when I walked into the room this guy from Russia, who I also met yesterday, made a B-Line right for me. He was kinda following me around yesterday. I was somewhat attracted to him and I would guess the attraction was mutual. I don't know if he was really attracted to me though. It's hard to tell now because people from other countries tend to behave differently, which doesn't necessarily mean they are gay. He asked me if I could help him and I told him yes. So I did. We had a great chat throughout the night but like yesterday he was staring at me alot.

Anyway, they did a roll call of the countries there and started from A and worked their way down. When they got to Jamaica, everybody in the room kinda turned around to see who the person from Jamaica was, not that they weren't turning around to see others from other countries too. However when they did everybody kinda gave me the biggest reaction of the night. They were like WHOoooo JAMAICAAA!! I kid you not. I was shocked. I honestly don't even know why they would even do anything like that. There were practically more than 40 countries there, with alot of students from each, and they didn't even get that kind of reaction. It was soooo weird. I am still puzzled why they would even give me such a good repsonse. I know it's not because of Usain Bolt because nobody even mentioned it.

After the formalities were over everybody went their way and started chatting to each other. I had my group of friends already so I sticked close to them but I slowly started to go around and talk to everybody as the night progressed. During the night a group of very good looking guys started to assemble around the back of the room. Most of them were from Germany, Austria Spain and Italy. So as I was walking towards them to make my way across the room they all just stopped talking and started staring at me. It was so creepy. To make it not feel so awkward I smiled, said hi and kept walking. Even then they were still staring. It was really weird. Why were all these guys looking on me? They made me very uncomfortable. At firstly, I thought, "They must be making fun of me because back home people always do" The fact they were staring made me feel terrible. I hate people making jokes about me. Leave me alone!!!

Shortly afterwards, all of them walked up to me and started chatting me up. This has never happened to me before so I was a little surprised. All of them were asking me questions. Where do you live? What are you studying? Will you be on campus alot? I love your accent! Do you live by yourself? How long have you been here? One of them even said to me, "I live on...... Hall and my room number is ..... You can come over anytime if you don't want to travel all the way back home because I don't have a roommate" At one point I started to think to myself, "This is weird. Why are they being so nice? These boys must think I can give them Marijuna or something or at least they must want me to throw a party at my house for them." I thought, "Nobody is this friendly" so I started to pull away from them because I didn't know why I was getting all this attention. I left them and walked away to talk to other people but every minute one of them would show up beside me. One of them actually placed his arm around my waist and gently pulled me towards him so that we could talk. Instantly, I thought to myself does he realize what he is doing? (I told myself it was a cultural behaviour and nothing sexual). Later on, another one of them came to me and started talking with me again. This time he said to me, "have you ever seen the snow?" I told him no. "It gets really cold here" he says" I told him I know. To which he responds, "I know you are not use to the cold because you are from a tropical country but perhaps you and I can warm each other up." I swear to God that's what he said. I then realized, these guys must be gay. But they couldn't. All of them can't be gay. That's not possible. This must be how they behave normally I thought. Honestly, I don't know what to think right now. With European guys I can never tell. I have never spoken with any before and I know they have tends to do stuff out of the normal but still be straight. While this was great, I was still a bit sad that the guy from the UK wasn't as into me as the other boys. He was mega hot. It's always the really hot ones that are never interested. What a shame. Some of them even wanted my phone number. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.......I haven't gotten it as yet. I could kick myself.

Before I left, the University Director for International Affairs came up to me and said, "I am so impressed with you. You are a natural social butterfly! Everybody wants to talk with you and you get along well with so many people." I was shcoked that she would even say something like that to me. No ne has ever called me a social butterful. I guess in Jamaica I was too afraid to show who I really was, so I never really spoke to anyone, but here no one really cares about what you do behind closed doors so I wasn't afraid to be myself. When she said that I realized that I had indeed spoken to everyone in that room. I was having such a good time that I didn't even realize what I had accomplished. I felt comfortable in my skin for once. By the end of the night I knew everyone in that room so well that I was able to even organized a travel group for those people living close to me. I guess that was the leadership part of me coming out. By the end of the party 10 people were leaving with me to the bus stop. I am good friends will all of them now. We even planned to attend a party on campus together on Friday night and next friday we are going to a black light party then a bar downtown. I am so excited. All in all I have made 10 close friends and made plans to attend 2 Friday night parties already. I am sure there are going to be tonnes of fresh meat at these parties. Not bad for someone who got here only a few days ago. Right?

On the bus there was also this cute blond guy sitting right across from me. I saw a wedding ring on his finger so I never paid him any attention. But then I realized that he was staring on me alot. I would catch him staring, our eyes would meet and he would smile and look away. He was so adorable. When we looked at each other it was not even for a second it was like 5 secs of staring and smiling. That's pretty long in my book. Certainly longer than any I have had before. And we kept looking at each other and smiling that's until he jumped into the conversation my friends and I were having. We talked a little until it was time for him to get off the bus. He is very sweet but I don't know what to think about that ring on his finger. I asked him where he lived but he told me ....... I was so pissed. I wanted him to stay on the bus so badly. Or at least live in my neighbourhood. He was so hot.

Well if all of that can happen to me in one night and 90% of the student population isn't on campus yet, I can only imagine what it will be like when they do get here. I am very optimistic about the rest of the year. I haven't even mentioned what the girls did yet. I don't think I will, but there is definitley some attraction going on here too. I really don't want to live a double life again but it's so hard to say the words, "I'm gay" openly. I like the idea of fooling around with guys discreetly. It turns me on like that.

Friday, August 21, 2009

In New England

I know I have been away from my baby blog for a while but I have to keep my readers updated. As it is, I am in New England right now. Life has gotten a bit hectic for me once again and alot more complicated. For the first two days I have been here I was miserable. I didn't know anybody, I had nowhere to go, I was starving, my room looked like a cell, it still does, but with a little work it will be great, I was bored, nothing to do, no one to talk to and to make matters worst I got injured on my first day here. I was cleaning my room and lifting a few furniture that I knew were too heavy for me and one thing led to another and the desk slipped and with it so did my fingernail. It was pulled right out of my finger. That shit hurt like crazy. I had nowhere to go to get it treated or anything so I put tissue on it to stop the bleeding and when to sleep. lol. I went to the store the next day and bought some dressing. I am self treating it now. It feels better BUT if it gets worst I'll go to the health centre. It couldn't have been a worst few hours.

I am slowly getting a bit more comfortable here. Thank God. I have a routine and it's working for me. I am meeting one and two people here and there so it's not all bad. My roommate is also very understanding which is making the process a whole lot easier for me too. Thank you Jesus for blessing me with a good roommate. Once school starts and I get busy again I should feel like normal. Another reason why I am feeling a bit more comfortable and optimisic about living here is due to the fact that I went downtown yesterday (I am not in Boston guys. It was merely an unrelated statement. Sorry for the ambiguity. Boston was where I wanted to be.)

Downtown is like 10 minutes away from school. And when I went there OH MY GOD!!! All those cute boys walking everywhere. I was getting all kind of disturbed. lol. Those mother fuckers are hot. Excuse my language. Ohhhhhhhh boy, I'm going to have fuuuuuunnnn! Lol. While I was outside in one of the Cafes two very good looking guys came and sat right across from me. They probably weren't gay but their presence only made me enjoy my dinner more. Additionally, Downtown is so beautiful. The restaurants, the stores, the outside cafes, the shopping centres etc. Everything is I am getting all giddy just thinking about it. To make the pot even sweeter my roommate then told me that I would probably run into a lot of gay people here because the area was very liberal. So if I did see them I shouldn't be too shocked. He even told me that a number of the professors at school were gay. I didn't mention that I was gay to him but that statement just made me even happier. Perhaps he mentioned it because he figured out I was gay. He seems cool with it so when it does come up it shouldn't be much of a problem. I hope.

And I can't even believe I forgot this. I SAW A MOVIE STAR TOO!!! No kidding. He came into our cafe and sat on the other side of the restaurant. I couldn't believe it. Everybody was rushing to take pictures of him with their phones etc. It was crazy. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would see an American movie star in real life much less see one in real life and have him come into the same cafe I was in. So sweet. I hardly remember stars names so I can't even tell you who he was but he was definitely famous.

I guess with time it will all fall into place.

Monday, August 17, 2009

He's Definitely Gay

After I got back from shopping today I saw some guys playing basketball at the end of the street. These guys were so young and fit. Seeing them flex their shirtless bodies kicked me into exercise mode. Because I am no longer in Jamaica, I can no longer do my regular exercise routine so I often go cycling in the evenings when the sun gets cooler. When I am in Florida I can't help but go riding. It's Awesome. They have wide sidewalks, lots of places to go and there is always a chance you will run into someone hot while doing it. Furthermore, I was also feeling a bit sexy in my short shorts so I took the opportunity to show off my

When I had worked up a sweat I started to head back home. While coming up the street guess who I ran into? Yup, that cute guy from across the road. [I am tired of calling him that so lets call him...Marco]. When I saw him, I screamed in my head like a little school girl, "There he is. There he is!!!" So as I was passing by I said Hi. To which he responded "You are back. How long have you been here? I haven't seen you around in so long" The fact that he said that made me feel great. Marco remembered who I was. I told him that I got here last week but I was leaving in 2 days. He then said, "No. Not again" When he said that I burst into laughter. His little face was so cute. I then told him I was going to be in Florida more often so it wouldn't be long before he saw me again. That seemed to have cheered him up. We then kept talking until he asked me how old I was again. I told him I was now 23. He then told me that I looked like 18, which was not surprising because everyone always thinks I am younger than I actually am. He then said he was 37. I was shocked once again. I thought he was 33. My God he's old. He doesn't even look like 37 for Pete's sake. He looks younger.

Recently, I find myself being sucked in by older guys. Am I going to be the type that only dates older guys? Anyway we had a great catching up conversation and it only reaffirmed to me while I was attracted to him in the first place. We talked about his job, school, Puerto Rico, where he was living before, his uncle etc etc. And in the middle of it he told me that I could come over to his house anytime and just hang out. If I were here longer I would have definitely gone over. He's a nice guy. I think we actually became friends at the end of that conversation. If I had the balls I would go over to his house tomorrow. But the age gap is giving me a problem. He is 14 years older than I am. Oh well. I am going to remain in touch with him either way.

Today I also got an email from Brad. He was this white boy I met at a hotel a few years ago. A few months later I ws flying to Boston to see him again. He and I have a long history together. A very mixed up history which eventually involved his boyfriend. I will definitely write about him in one of my up coming Sexual Exposure issues. Brad is one of those all American sweet hearts who is rich and cares about everybody. Anyway, he told me that he has been thinking about me a lot lately and wanted to find out how I was doing. He even wanted to know if I had any romantic interests at the moment. I told him I didn't and that everything was fine etc tec. Brad is a sweet guy with a huge heart but he is certainly not my type.

Everytime I write posts like these, I am impressed with myself. For someone in the closet, living in a homophobic country I certainly have alot of stories to tell. Imagine if I was out.....which might be sooner than I expect.

I honestly can't tell what people see in me. Sometimes I can't even look my damn self in the mirror.

Sexual Exposure 7: Derrick the Rapist Part 2

So I have finally mustered up the energy to write this. To be frank I don’t even feel in the mood to blog right now. I am feeling a tad stressed. I have so much stuff to get done. And to make matters worse I missed True Blood and Hung. Not because I didn’t remember, but because my aunt doesn’t have HBO. I want to cry. I love that show. It kills me that I can’t watch it now. Additionally, I am feeling quite horny. I haven’t gotten a minute to myself in days and I am going mad for some release. The fact that I am watching Logo is making it even worst. I would never in a million years think that I would have had the opportunity to watch a completely gay channel. It feels so good that I can. I watched Logo all day yesterday. It was fun. All the hot guys and gay themed shows, I can see why it’s a big hit with the boys. Anyway this is not what I am here to talk about.

In my last sexual exposure post I wrote about most of the odd things I observed Derrick doing around me. As I said before I had no reason to suspect that Derrick had any alternative reasons for acting so crazy. Just one of the weird stuff guys did, I would often assume. Being someone who hated living in a dorm I often went home on the weekends to get away from all the madness. On one particular Friday night I decided that I was going to stick around and get some work done. Deciding not to go home, I went to one of the computer labs on campus to use the internet. At this point I didn’t own a laptop, so I had to rely on the campus computers to get my work done. Around 1 am I was getting really tired and bored so I decided to log into my messenger to see if there was anyone there to keep me company. Everyone else had gone out to this huge party that was being held on campus but I never went because I was not a party person. When I logged in I saw Derrick and we started to chat. It was a bit strange seeing him online because I thought he would have gone to the party too. Anyway, I was getting even more tired so I told Derrick I was going to head off to bed. He then said “I hope you don’t disturb your mom on your way to bed”. I then told him that I was not at home. I was on campus. He then said, “In that case. Stop by Room 213 on your way up” I told him OK.

I was still a very na├»ve person at this stage in my life, so I never really thought twice about the dangers of going to another guy’s room at 2 in the morning. Furthermore, Derrick was a friend; I didn’t need to think twice. However what I found strange was that he told me room 213. Derrick did not live in 213. That should have been my first sign that something was off. Anyway, I put the fear aside and went. When I knocked on the door Derrick opened it and I walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. We engaged in a little chit-chat, where it was revealed to me that he was only in the room because he wanted to check some sensitive stuff online. I was curious about what sensitive stuff he was talking about so he walked over to his laptop and opened a few windows. He then called me over and showed me what was there. What I saw shocked and scared me and I immediately felt the urge to leave. He had a lot of naked guys on his laptop doing all sort of gay stuff. This was not something we had discussed or anything. He just threw it in my face and I didn’t know how to react. I was gay too but this was not something I wanted to face or discuss with anyone. What did he expect from me? He immediately started talking about how he liked dick etc etc. And the more he talked the more I wanted to leave. I could not take it anymore so I told him it was time for me to go bed. I got up to leave but he grabbed my wrist. He was really holding on tight. I then tried to use my other hand to lift his fingers off but he was so friggin strong. I honestly thought he was playing around. I told him to let go but his grip got even tighter and he got really serious. I was scared. I then tried to use my other hand to pry his fingers off again but this time he grabbed my other wrist too. At this point I realized Derrick wasn’t playing.

Derrick then proceeded to push me down on the bed and climb on top of me. I couldn’t even imagine what was happening. This was only suppose to happen to girls. He had me pinned securely to the bed. I couldn’t even move. I am not going to get into what he said to me throughout the entire ordeal but the gist of it was that he was going to fuck me and that I was going to like it. He even told me that he was attracted to me for a long time but found it hard to get my attention. For him, my games were going to end tonight. Can you imagine that prick? I wasn’t playing any games. I just didn’t have any romantic feelings for him…Plain and Simple. But that was no reason to force himself on me. He then started to hump me and grind his cock into mine. Nothing I said deterred him from doing it. Derrick then started to kiss my neck and stick is tongue in my ear. That was so gross. He then started to kiss my cheek and work his way up to my lips. When he got close to my lips I turned my face away and told him that if he didn’t stop I was going to scream. I know that was a girly thing to do but nobody had ever tried to rape me before. I didn’t know what else to do. It was the only thing that was going through my head at the time. I knew I couldn’t over power him because he was so much stronger and bigger than I was. The weight of his body alone was crushing me. He immediately took one of his hands from my wrist and covered my mouth with it. I guess the shock of him taking away that option gave me the extra energy I needed to fight back because I was able to use my free hand to push him off.

I made a dash for the door but when I got there it was locked. Derrick must have locked it when I came into the room. That fucking asshole. Needless to say before I could get it open Derrick was dragging me back to the bed. He was livid now. That fucker then slapped me in my face and told me to behave. I couldn’t believe it? Who did he think I was? This time around he was still pinning my hands down but with one hand. Even with one hand he was too damn strong for me. Sometimes I think, perhaps I was the one that was too weak. Derrick then made it even worst by pulling down his shorts to expose his erect penis. This had to stop. If I didn’t do something now I really would become a rape victim. He then started to rub his penis all over my leg and poke me with it. I really didn’t want to scream because it would have been too embarrassing. I wouldn’t be able to do anything without people whispering. He then started to slide his hand into my pants and started rubbing my cock. No! No! No! No! NO! STOP!! He just kept doing it. I wanted to cry but I fought back the tears. Derrick then started to loosen my belt buckle and that did it. This had to stop now. I really didn’t want to kick him in his nuts but he just wouldn’t stop. He left me no choice. I knew it was going to hurt but I didn’t want to do that to him. Sometimes I think I am such a dumb ass. Why did I care if it was going to hurt him? He was trying to rape be for God sakes. Anyway, I angled my knee accordingly and swiftly connected it with his nuts. He immediately curled up in a ball and rolled of me.

Once again I made a mad rush to the door and was successful in getting outside this time. Thank God I was free. I then ran downstairs. Ran to my room. Shut my door and crawled into bed. That night I cried myself to sleep. Somehow I was happy I wasn’t raped but at the same time angry that it even happened. Why do all these bad things happen to me? What have I done to deserve this? The next morning when I got up my wrists were black and blue and there was a welt on my face from where he slapped me. I felt awful. That dog shit. In the need to escape I had even forgot my school bag in the room. I went back to the room to get it but was told by the person there that Derrick had it. Why didn’t this boy leave me alone? I didn’t want to go to his room to collect my bag so I brought a friend with me so that he wouldn’t try anything. I didn’t tell her why I wanted her to follow me. When I got to Derrick’s room he was all smiles. He didn’t even show any remorse for what he did to me. He just acted like nothing ever happened. I honestly wanted to take a gun and shoot him in the head. I thought he was my friend. Why would he do this to me? Before I left he told me that he intended to finish what he started. I didn’t know what to do. For a while I was afraid to do anything by myself. However one day while I was walking into the building someone told me that Derrick had gone back home. This must have been a joke. This was an Oh Happy Day!! Apparently he had tired the same thing with another guy but this guy wasn’t at all tight lipped about it. He told everybody. Eventually everyone heard. A gang was formed which gave Derrick a sound beating that resulted in him leaving the country the next day. I can’t tell you how happy I was to hear that. I was finally free to go back to a normal life.

Surprisingly, I still function relatively well today. I don’t think I am suffering from any mental limitations because of it though. Life goes on. I’m a bit more cautious with whom I talk to and associate with now. And I don’t really trust people as much anymore. It takes a lot out of me to trust anyone.

So that’s it. Now you and I are the only ones who know this story. I don’t think I was a victim so please don’t make me feel like one. Thanks.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I'm in Orlando!!

Right now I am blogging from a brand new location, on a brand new laptop. I have a Dell Studio now and I am loving it. Then again everyone is usually excited about getting a new laptop. It has some wicked-kool art work on the cover, which I absolutely love because it makes my laptop so unique and I also have bright red trimmings along the sides which is also great because I makes my laptop pop. I also made a million customizations to the basic design so my laptop is a bundle of Awesomeness right now. If anybody steals this one I would really die.

I guess I should also mention that I am not in New England right now. I took a detour to Orlando. I decided I needed to take a mini-vacation before I flew up north to deal with all the madness that is sure to greet me. I am staying with my aunt/adopted grandmother until next week. I think it was a good decision. I wanted to come here to shop for some clothes, school and household supplies but that was a waste. I packed so much clothes in Jamaica that my suitcases can't even hold an ounce more. My mother was warning me that they were going to charge me for overweight and you know what? They almost did. I will definitely have to fork out some big bucks to get my bags up north next week.

Getting to Orlando was pretty uneventful until I landed in the US. Once again I was detained by the US Immigration. Yes I have been deatained before. It was not fun. I was on my way to Boston the last time it happened but had to stop in Miami to change planes. I missed my damn connecting flight because of it and had to sit in the airport for hours to get a next one to Boston. I will write about it one of these days. This time when it happened I didn't even care what happened. I was surprisingly calm during the entire thing. I was even crushing on the cute guy questioning me. Only I would be thinking about sex at a time like that. lol. I think the US Immigration has me on some black list or something. I don't know of anyone else this has happened to twice.

The first morning I woke up here I ate Sweet American Apple pie and a huge glass of Orange soda for breakfast. Yup, Breakfast. I had only been here for a couple hours and I was already eating like these people. By the end of the day I had drank the entire 2 liters of soda by myself. At this rate I am going to be obese. I have to find a gym stat

There is so much I have experienced here already that I can't find time to write about it all. I saw an Armadillo running up and down in the back yard yesterday which was so cool. I have seen them in the Zoo but never in the wild. I know Florida is known for it's wildlife so I am sure to encounter more animals the longer I stay here. I was told snakes are in the back yard too. That's not good. If I see one I am going to shit myself. I've also seen turtles and crocs (babies) too. So Kool!!! Another thing that I found interesting was when I tired to log into Facebook. Facebook said" We recognize that you are logging in from an unfamiliar location please verify your birthday" I don't know why but I got a kick out of that. You better believe I am logging in from another location.

Being in Orlando also reminds me of this guy I met here 2 years ago. He was this hot Puerto Rican guy who lived across the street from me. I met him at the 4th of July celebration. My aunt, my mom and I were standing in the park looking at the fireworks when he came over and started talking to my Aunt. When I first saw him I thought he was so cute. After he finished talking to them he came over to me and said, "How old are you?" If you have been reading my blog you will know that if an older guy askes you your age out of the blue, it is likely that he is interested in you. It might not be a romantic interest but an interest nonetheless. I told him I was 20 years old and he then said, 'You're young!" I was a bit insulted by his comment so I asked him, "How old are you?" He said 31. I was shocked. He didn't look anything like 31. I was tempted to say, "You are old" but I didn't. We talked for the rest of the night. When I was ready to leave he asked me, "Will you be staying in the US?" I told him no, I will be going back home. He then said, "Can't you stay" I then said "No, it would be illegal for me to stay here. They will deport me." To which he replied, "I don't care. I want you to stay. I'll fight immigration for you" I laughed then told him that was sweet but not necessary.

Since I have been here I haven't seen him but I know he still lives across the street because I saw his sports car in the driveway and I saw his uncle cutting the lawn this morning while I was on my way bowling. Furthermore my aunt told me he still lives over there. I am not going out of my way to see him but if I do, then I do.

[P.S] To everyone that sent me emails. I will write you all back. I Promise. It's a bit hectic for me right now. And for those of you asking about part 2 of sexual exposure. I don't know if I can write it. It's not something I really want to remember. Perhaps starting it was not such a good idea. I will try to finish it though. If only not to leave you hanging.

Monday, August 10, 2009

My Mother Wept

So do you guys remember when I said I had some huge news to tell you? Well I guess it's time now.

This morning my mom called me into the living room and said, "Lets pray". I knew why she wanted to pray so I rushed to the living room without hesitation, unlike what I usually did. Afterall it was only appropriate given what was going to happen. When I got to the living room I looked into my mothers eyes and they were red. I saw a single tear rolling down her face and I immediately knew she was hurting. Before she could even open her mouth she started crying. It was so hard to see my mother crying. There was only one other time in my whole life that I ever seen my mother cry and that was when she was extremely sick and the fear of death was lurking.

I couldn't stop her from crying. I tried reassuring her that everything would be fine but she just kept crying. At one point I started to cry too. I am even tearing up right now. I don't want to see my mother like this. This was the last thing I thought she was going to do. Remain Strong Mom!

The reason my mom was crying was because this is my Last day at home. My mother and I have lived together for over 20 years and during that time we have become very dependent on each other. I depend on her for sooo much and she depends on me for sooo much. And the fact that they broke into our house recently have made her really uneasy to live by herself. Now she is going to be here all alone with no one to talk to. I am so sorry for leaving you. Be Strong Mom!! I love my mother so much. I just want her to be ok. I joke with her all the time that I will not be coming back but I never knew she was feeling this way. I would've never made jokes like that if I knew she felt so strongly about me leaving. You should have seen her. It broke my heart to see her like that.

I will be going to live in the Northeastern portion of the United States. Infact I am not only going there to live but I am also going there for college. Yes Axorians. I will be attending a US college this fall to pursue my Doctorate. Anytime I hear Northeast I think about Ivy Leagues. I really really really had my heart sent on going to Cornell but they rejected me. Assholes! They had a great freakin' program too. Damn you admin. I guess Brown isn't so bad. They have a great program too but, not as good as Cornell. I am just kidding you guys, I am not going to Brown either. I am not going to spell out where I am going exactly but I can say that Boston is a beautiful city. :D

Anyway, I am leaving in a few minutes and I still have a few stuff to get done so I gotta run. The next time I blog it will be from the Great US of A.

I really hope my mom can survive without me fo so long. STAY STRONG MOM!!!

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Family Week

I'M BACK!!!!!

It's now midnight and I just got home. I know I should be sleeping but I felt like blogging instead. So my family had their annual summer get together this weekend. It was so fun. Everybody came from all over the island, USA, England etc as usual. Honestly, why isn't my life always this good? Actually the family celebration is still going on, it's usually a week long...I left early. My family tends to get on my nerves after the first few days so I get out when I can. I think I might go back on Wednesday. I'm still making up my mind. I ate so much food today that I felt nauseous while driving back. I will have to exercise this off tomorrow. I really don't feel the urge to workout right now but I keep telling myself, "You'll look beautiful after you're done, You'll look beautiful after you're done". So I do it. Furthermore, I haven't exercised in a while so I need to get back on the treadmill. Whoever said beauty was painful was right. Looking good takes work.

Anyway, visiting my family is a double edged sword. Everybody wants to get into my personal life. Now that kids that I grew up with are now having children of their own everybody wants to know if I am dating anybody. The fact that almost everyone I grew up with either has a child (or two) or dating, makes me I feel mega jealous. I have always wanted children. And the fact that almost all my aunts have grandchildren and my mother doesn't make me feel even worst. My mother deserves to have grandchildren. She'll be crushed if I tell her she will never have them.

Holding all the new babies in the family made me even more depressed. I will never have kids of my own. (I want biological kids. I have nothing against adoption.) As a scientist, passing on my genes is something that makes me tingle with glee when I think about it. Someone walking around with your genes. Can you imagine it? That's pretty amazing.

Another reason why I get so depressed at family gatherings is the fact that everyone grows up. I HATE when everybody grows up!!! Everybody seemed to have become alot more mature while little old me has remained the same. Why do they have to grew up? No fair, No fair (I'm using my childish voice here lol). The conversations I usually had with my little cousins have now changed from frogs, bugs and cartoons to whose dating who. My girl cousin has now become a hot teenager. If she wanted to model I think she would do well. She has the height and she definitely has the body. I remember when she was just a tiny little thing we usually played "Duppy Monster" and went orange picking on the farm. I am famous for my duppy monster pranks. Ask anyone. I got into tonnes of trouble afterwards. Oh wait, you can't. During the get-together she would receive calls from boys every minute. No more time to play Duppy Monster. lol. One of my other cousin is now dating 5 women at once. And he is very proud of his accomplishments. Using them and dumping them gives him so much pleasure. If you saw him as a kid you would never believe he would have grown up to be a womanizer. I guess the quiet ones are indeed more dangerous. I might also add that all of them are younger than I am. I am such a retard. I won't even mention what the rest of them are doing. They are all big women and men now. I could never understand why everyone wants to grow up so fast. I am a big kid at heart.

[Sigh]. I hate that everything changes. HATE IT I TELL YOU!!!

On my way back home I checked my cell and saw that the police guy texted me last night. Because I was so engulfed in family drama I didn't even see it. Infact no one could reach me. I didn't answer one call while I was at the house. In the text he asked me how I was and I told him I was busy and might not be able to meet up with him this week. He wrote be back and said, "OK." Could someone please tell me what that is suppose to mean? Anytime anyone responds with a one word answer I get worried. You are definitely in trouble when someone responds with one word. Perhaps he thinks I am blowing him off. But I am not!! I really am busy. Maybe a bit terrified too. I don't know. I just don't do well with relationships. Straight or otherwise.

I have so much to do this week and to make matters worst my friends have just invited me to Mobay with them this Saturday. I really want to go but I have so much to do here. Furthermore I was just in Mobay 2 days ago and I live near Kingston, so for those of you who don't know how far away that is then I suggest that you look it up. It's a long drive. I would love to go with them but I have other plans. Maybe not excting plans but plans nonetheless.

I promise I will finish the sexual exposure part 2 but I can't get myself to write the last part. It makes me sick remembering what happened.

Anyway, I am off to bed.