Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hectic Week

Approximately one month ago I started this blog and the passion I had when I started is still here now. Everyday I want to write something new and for the most part I think I have done a pretty good job of posting regularly. This week however has been beyond hectic. I seem unable to find the time to do anything I want. Presently, I am behind in my blog reading which sucks because when I go at least 3 days without reading it takes me almost an entire day to read all the posts. Lol. Sadly, I am not even exaggerating…it really does take me an entire day (14hrs of reading to be exact). I have my research proposal due on Friday and I am not even finished. I have graduate school applications to submit. I have papers to mark. I have labs to prepare for and administer and to top it all off I have decided to add an additional 12 hours per week to my normal work hours. All of this while still trying to do my scientific research, getting up at 5 in the morning and getting home at 8 in the night. I am burnt out!

Anyway, do you remember Jeff from gay boys wasted? Well, I am working with the guy now. Yeah…it’s a small world. Who would have thought that our paths would have crossed again? As usual we still engage in minor flirting but I am really not going to pursue anything with him. He is in a relationship with this girl so I really don’t want to interfere. I don’t care if he is in the closet or not, with a girl or with a boy, as long as someone is in a relationship with another person I respect the relationship enough to know that I will not cross the boundaries.

Hopefully, I will find time tomorrow (or not) to write a better post but I am not guaranteeing anything. My week looks like it’s going to get worst.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Sexual Exposure: Chapter 1

As a person with an unquenchable libido, who has had numerous opportunities to engage in sexual activity over the years I am surprised I have been able to remain a virgin for this long. I don’t know if it’s something I should be proud of or concerned about. Presently, many of my friends have already taken the plunge into the world of sex (more than once) but yet here I remain…untainted and holy. Not that people who have engaged in sex are tainted. No! You guys are just down right filthy…I’m such a prude. :)

When I was a child I was always more open to exploring my body and discovering the sweet orgasmic secrets they hid compared to my friends. However none of them ever appeared to show interest in my delightful finds. The eagerness to unearth the forbidden pleasures of their body was just not strong enough yet. And I was right, now that we are older and “Wiser” they have now surpassed me in the sex department. I feel so inadequate! Perhaps if I were living in a different country I would have become the gay equivalent of the modern day slut. Sleeping with any stranger I fancy just for the fun of it, sneaking away in the middle of the night and not feeling weird about it in the morning. Lol. I doubt I could do that now even if I wanted to. My conscience wouldn’t let me.

In my case, all the elements necessary for me to sleep with someone has never actually fallen into place. In order for me to sleep with you I would have to first find you attractive. Therefore girls would automatically be disqualified. As such my chances of having sex with anyone just went down by 50%. And the fact that I live in a country where gays are almost invisible doesn’t mean that I am going to jump into bed with the first gay guy that comes along. The attraction has to be there first and if there is none then I guess I’m going to be a virgin forever. Sure I could have pretended to be attracted to girls and have sex with one of them but I hate playing with people’s feelings. This kind of behaviour reminds me of men who know they are gay but date and marry women anyway. Sorry guys, I am not judging those of you that do it, as I am sure all of you have your reasons, but I just can’t understand why you would pretend to love someone or be interested in someone when you are not. We all have the desire to comply with society’s stupid norms but don’t do it at the expense of someone else. I understand the need to comply; I do! But when I realized what being gay really meant, my dream of living in the suburbs with my wife and kids was shattered. I couldn’t honestly live the life I wanted without getting someone hurt or me living unhappily so I shelfed the dream. That was years ago but perhaps later down the road when the world truly accepts us, I might be able to salvage apart of it. Find a decent guy and adopt a few kids or better yet get biological ones.

No matter how hard you fight your feels they will eventually come to the surface and when they do a lot of persons will be left heartbroken. Can you imagine how your children feel when you and your wife get divorce? Can you imagine how your wife/girlfriend feels when she finds out you have been leading a double life with a man? Playing with the emotions and lives of others is a dangerous path to follow and I am one of those people who is unable to even step a foot on it. If anyone should get hurt in the end for a decision made it should be the individual who made the choices and not those around me. However we don’t live in a vacuum so the actions we do today will always result in casualties tomorrow. Therefore what we should aim to do is minimize the impact of those decisions on those around us. I implore you “Think of others when you make difficult decisions”.

[Sorry. My post just went off on a tangent but I thought it was appropriate to give my opinion on the topic while I had the chance. It was never meant as an insult to any Axorian]

Anyway to cut a longer story shorter, in the coming weeks I will be chronicling (as my blog title suggests) my sexual experiences over the years and how they might have shaped my views on sex as well as give you, my readers some insight into why I might still be a virgin. I don’t know how many parts this series will take but I am guessing probably 5 or more. The Chronicles will start from childhood and work its way up to present day.

My next post will Chronicle my life at Aunt Alexis’s house (that is if nothing happens between now and then).

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I Hope He's Gay

Human beings are such strange creatures. Sometimes it seems as if we are innately programmed to pursue things we will never get. And even though we know we will never get it, we still continue to pursue them anyway. Do our desires to attain the impossible cloud our logic so deeply we are unable to comprehend reality?

Have you ever seen a hot guy and instinctively thought to yourself, “I hope he’s gay”? For some reason I seem to do this alot and I have no reason as to why I keep doing it. No doubt, if you are a gay man and find yourself attracted to another guy the thought of his sexual orientation has passed through your head. (And if it didn’t, then congratulations you are straight and confused)

A prime example of this can be seen with our infatuation with celebrities. If we see gorgeous male actors/athletes/politicians on the television or on the big screen we sometimes hope that they might be closet gays pretending to be straight. But I could never understand why we have this urge to know what their sexual preferences are. What is it? Do we think they will be rushing head over heels into our arms once they declare their homosexuality to the World or do we just want to know that there is someone famous on our side of the fence? What is it? It certainly can’t be because we think we will eventually have an intimate relationship with these people in the future. Not that it hurts to think about it but the chance of anyone hooking up with a celebrity crush is like 4 billion to 1.

Surprisingly, there are those among us who become extremely upset with supposedly closeted celebrities because they refuse to come out as being gay. Are you guys serious? Why would anyone want to come out of the closet just to satisfy the curiosity of the masses? In my opinion doing that would just be a stupid move. Jeopardizing your career for the sake of "Fan Satisfaction" is not worth such a risk. But whatever justifaction I come up with this nagging question seems to always come back; why do we want to know if they are gay? Will celebrities coming out of the closet make such a dramatic change in the world that the life of homosexuals will miraculously improve over night? I think not.

Anyway there a few names that come to mind when I think closeted gay celebrity and they are

1. Ricky Martin: All those tight gripping sexy speedos and all that man on man action (sorry I meant training) practically screams “Gay” to me.

2. Will Smith: I wouldn’t have guessed it too but the rumours are flying and there is supposedly evidence to back it up.

3. David Archuleta: Too cute for words. I just want to take a bite out of him. Too early to tell though but he has the makings of a future gay. Right?.......wrong :(

4. Vin Diesel: He denies it but we all know he likes to put his dick into dark places. We'll get his ass eventually.

5: Jake Gyllenhaal: He’s gay friendly so I don’t really care if he is gay or not. He has done more for us through is actions than professed influential gays could every do by talking. (Maybe I'm giving him too much credit). However looking at his second pic I feel like pulling down those pants and licking something delicious.

6. Anderson Cooper: (I seriously want this Silver Fox to f**k me senseless one day. He is so smart, intelligent and hot. Not to mention he wears his age well. I hope I can do that when I am his age. Send me an email if u read this Anderson!! Hopefully we'll discover another use for that beautiful mouth of yours :) )

7. Ryan Seacrest: I don’t think I need to say anything further.

I thought I would also mention the two most famous women who are suspected of being lesbians as well. After all this is an equal opportunity blog.

8. Oprah Winfrey: Poor Stedman most be experiencing some really severe pussy drought because Oprah is using it all on Gayle. I guess Oprah's money is enough of an incentive to stick around.

9. Condoleeza Rice: Gay or not I think she really needs someone special in her life. She looks like she needs it and I am being completely genuine here.

Even after all this I still don't know why we are so interested in the sexual orientation of people we don't even know. In the long run it will not make a difference in our lives one way or another. This story however takes on a new dimension if the person we have a crush is an individual we know personally. In such a case I believe we should make it our duty to get in their business. How else are we going to have sex with them? lol. jk

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Finally Employed


Many of you reading this might not fully understand how super duper happy I am right now but I have been trying to get a job ever since I graduated from college, which was a really long time ago. So getting one now is like utterly awesome and a little bit unexpected. I have worked before on a number of occasions but this will be the first time I have ever gotten paid for any of it. I guess you can imagine my jubilation. However my lack of employment was never really due to a lack of jobs but more to my stubbornness to do jobs that I thought were ineffective. Ineffective in terms of where I wanted to go with my scientific career and my life. Yes…Working in a bank or teaching would have been an easy solution to my financial woes but it definitely would not have provided me with the skills needed to land a scientific job now would it?

In fact, majority of my colleagues who graduated with science degrees have now found themselves teaching at high schools and primary schools because the job market does not really cater to persons who want to pursue a career in the sciences. Even today, two of my friends told me that they were now teaching because they were unable to find science jobs. I don’t have anything against the teaching profession but it is absolutely the last thing I would ever want to do with my life. I would prefer to starve to death than step one foot into a classroom (I might eat my words) but I’ve had enough experience teaching to know educating the next generation of students is not for me. Kids today are complete monsters and they seem to be growing stupider by the day too. Perhaps too much TV is sucking their brain dry. Not all of them are terrible though, a few of them are so intelligent, smart and well mannered that I have trouble believing they are actually children.

Anyway, I officially start my new job next week, which is ironically somewhat in the realm of teaching but it’s something I am able to work with for now. Ironic isn’t it? Despite the praises I seem to be attributing to this job, it is not entirely glamorous or well paying but then again I never really did anything in my life just for the money. The level of fulfillment I get at the end of the day often determines whether I will continue following the present course of my life or move on to something that’s worth the effort, well paying or not.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Innocent But Guilty

Firstly, let me apologize for my behaviour in the last post. I was having a really bad day. To be frank, all my days are bad but I deal with some days better than others. Today was no exception. I was accused of mistreating one of the machines in the lab today and as such I was informed that I would need to be “supervised” if I wanted to do further research. Basically I have now been relegated to the position of a puppet in my own lab. Honestly, I wasn’t even the one that touched the machine. The person who actually tampered with it was also the person that reported the machine broken and found it convenient to blame me for the malfunction. She just stood there and let me take all the heat for something I didn’t do. In hindsight I should have told my supervisor all of this information but in my eyes this was purely minor. However what really got me miffed was the fact that she claimed all of the compounds I spent months preparing as her own today. I can’t believe she has the audacity to tell me which one of my compounds I can and I can’t use (Hello, I am the one that made them. Not you!) However I made this one slide as well. Afterall, it’s somewhat of a co-operative effort when you work in a lab with a bunch of selfish and self important scientists. I also use some of her compounds but I don’t dictate which of her own stuff she can and can’t use. The nerve of some people. Anyway, all of this is out of my hands though because she has the backing of the Head supervisor. There isn’t much I can do about the situation, except quit and I really don’t want to do that right now.

Interestingly, this incident reminds me of when I was a kid and telephones were a complete novelty to us. My friends and I had never seen or even used a telephone in our either life so getting one installed in our home was like amazing. So being the precocious kid I was, I suggested we exchange phone numbers and call each other when we got home. My best friend at the time had no clue how to use a phone, so everytime he called Diana’s house (a close friend of ours) he would hang up the phone when Diana’s mother answered. He kept calling and hanging numerous times with hopes that Diana would pick it up but eventually he gave up when he realized Diana was never going to answer because mommy dearest wouldn’t let her. Immediately, after his futile attempts of contacting her, he calls me and gives me the story. Wanting to talk to Diana myself, I called her house. Diana’s mom answered and I said “Hello” but before I could even get another word out she started to accuse me of calling and hanging up. My mother must have been watching me because she saw that I became really uncomfortable and the expression on my face changed (Reading my emotions are not very easy now because I mask all my emotions with a smile). My mom then took the phone from me and explained the situation to Diana’s mom in a less than friendly tone. That day I saw my mother's fangs come out and they were not pretty. (I love my mom)

Some of you might think I am stupid for supposedly letting people walk all over me but I don’t view it like that. Admittedly, I do let people get away with some very really terrible things that wouldn’t fly with others but I am not the type of person who likes conflict so I avoid it at all cost. It is just not worth my time or effort. Typically stuff that upset majority of other people, don’t even faze me. I think that people have become so selfish and wicked that we have completely lost sight of what it means to love others even those that do us wrong. Not everyone has to fight fire with fire. Some of us like to use water.

The world is not a just place and I doubt it ever will but the sooner many of us realize this fact and start developing mechanisms of coping with them the happier we would all be.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

I'm Depressed (Big Whoop)

Am I not allowed to be depressed? I don’t want to pretend to be happy anymore. My everyday life is hard enough trying to turn everybody off my gay scent and trying to please my parents, my friends, my church, my co-workers and every damn person in my life. I want a break. I need a break. Could you please stop the world? I want to get the fuck off. (Sorry about the profanity. I don’t even use it in real life)

I know, nobody wants to hear me bitch about my life but I don’t have the luxury of venting to anyone close by so give a God damn break. I created my blog for cases just like these. And if you don’t like it then you can suck my dick or kiss my ass. (Great Dave! Insult your readers that will make them come back for sure. Oh…..wait……there’s nobody reading it.)

I felt like I have just contradicted everything I stand for. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Honestly, I don’t. I just want to see just a glimmer of light at the end of that tunnel. I just want to feel like I have some hope left. But I have been walking in the dark for so long and I am so very tired.

I know, I don’t have any right to complain because there are individuals out there whose lives are 100 times worse than mine and that is a fact. I often feel that complaining about my life makes me a selfish person. I have shelter, I have food, I have an education, I have a family (albeit they drive me crazy), I have electricity, I have water, I have cable and I have the internet. That’s more than half of the world can boast.

People tell me all the time, “It’s going to get better”. But When? When Fucking When? (Oh God! I feel like I am losing my damn mind right now).
How much more of this will have to endure? I don’t know what else to do. I just want to feel happy. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Gay Boys Wasted

[Sorry Axorians. I started writing this yesterday but my headache got too overwhelming. This is therefore a two in one post.]

I got home an hour ago and I have been nursing a splitting headache for about 5 hrs now. As you might guess today was not a good day at all. The work just keeps coming in waves and I just can’t keep up. Tomorrow does not look much better. I don’t even want to think about it so let us continue, shall we? Currently, I am watching the People’s Choice Awards and looking forward to watching the premiere of The Real World: Brooklyn, Season 21 later tonight. It really looks good this season. Well…I am actually watching it because I want to drool over all the hot guys. Specifically, Scott Herman (Pics Below). What a freakin Hottie. WHY COULDN’T HE BE GAYYYYY???? Stand down Bitches he’s mine. Then again, does anybody want to get me Scott for a belated Christmas present? This season of the real world is the gayest season I have ever seen. There is a former lesbian, a gay guy, a transgender individual, a metro-sexual and the only thing missing is the Bisexual. We would have had the full LGBT team in the house.

Anyway, TV shows are not what I wanted to talk about. I will have to leave that until a next time, when my eyes don’t want to close and I have enough time to talk about all the awesome shows I watch.

For me finding a potential boyfriend is next to impossible because almost all the good gay guys are in the closet. And obviously, if they are in the closet, I don’t know who is gay. It is like an unspoken rule here that you never let on to another guy that you might be gay. The mistake of outing yourself to the wrong person might put you at great risk. Then again if he does turn out to be gay then the pay off would be damn amazing. However I am too much of a chicken to let on that I am gay. I’m such a big Loser!!! Lol.

On the other hand there are those guys that aren’t afraid to be identified as being gay or effeminate. (Way to go men, you are the ones with the real balls). Once you see them you don’t have to guess what kind of sex they like however many of them are, lets just says, a bit hard on the eyes and a little bit too “out there” for my tastes so I hardly find myself attracted to them. At this rate I doubt I’ll find any boyfriends…EVER!!

My reason for talking about this now is because I ran into two guys today. They aren’t really close friends of mine but we stop and chat now and again when we run into each other. I suspect both of these guys are gay but I have no proof. It might just be that I am misinterpreting their friendly nature as being gay, which is a mistake I make often. However, if they weren’t so freakin’ hot I wouldn’t even care if they were gay or not. I know it sounds shallow but I am far from the person who only looks on the outward beauty. These guys have great personalities and morals too. That’s hard to find. Then again I have the right to lust after eye candy too.

I met the first guy, who I’ll call Jeff, in my freshman year of college. He was a senior at the time and I thought he was completely gorgeous. His smile was so captivating that everytime he looked at me, my insides just melted. If it were possible, I think his smile could’ve even melted snow. So one day while I was in the lab vortexing a few liquids he comes up to me and says, “Why are you vortexing these liquids so long?” And I responded, “I like the vibrations”. Then he said, “You like the vibrations?” with special emphasis on the word vibrations and I said “Yeah”. After which Jeff says “Do you like the vibrations “Inside” you?” At this point I realized that we were no longer talking about vibrations. Vibrations were now being used as a synonym for Vibrators. So I say, “Definitely, it feels good”, he then laughs and says, “I know! I like it too but you’re a freak”. I couldn’t help but laugh too. I then told him “You have no idea how much of a freak I am. I have a lot of dark sides”. This would ultimately become a reoccurring joke among us in subsequent conversations.

A few days afar that conversation I got an email from Jeff, which was bit surprising because I didn’t even know he had my email. In it he said, “I want to know about your dark side”. I wrote back and told him that he really doesn’t want to know and he writes back, “sure I want to” Initially, I was going to tell him that my dark side was my attraction to guys but as per-usual I chickened out and told him some stupid story. Nothing really came of it after that. I am so stupid. Every time there is a possibility of a relationship developing I kill it. Why do I do that? Then again, I didn’t trust him enough yet to tell him something like that so soon.

Anyway, we still chat now and again but as of right now it’s just chat. Last year he even sent me a Birthday Wish which I thought was sweet. Hardly anyone remembers my birthday so the fact that he remembered was nice.

The other guy, who I will call Brian, was a member of an organization I was apart of. During meetings he would always stare at me then turn away when he realized I caught him looking. He was definitely a hot specimen and a little younger than I was but with Brian I could never tell if he was gay or straight. For as long as I have known Brain, he was always staring at me. Perhaps I must have always had food stuck to my teeth all these years and never knew. The only “quality time” I really got to spend with him was once when we both had to represent our organization at a conference. We hung out that night but his overall behaviour was totally not that of a straight guy. He was just a little bit too friendly. Which straight guy reaches around and squeezes your ass?

As I said before Brian is physically appealing and girls have taken notice. Even publicly declaring their attraction for him on numerous occasions but yet he is still single. That’s weird. He also hangs out with a lot of guys but hardly any girls. Most of his Facebook pics are with guys and the few with girls appear to be friendly and not intimate pictures. I know this isn’t enough information to claim someone might be gay but as I said before, I haven’t spent enough time getting to know him to make such an assertion. Saying he is gay would just be playing into the gay stereotype.

The point I am trying to make here is that there are lots of amazing guys in the closet that would make extremely suitable boyfriends, lovers, husbands, whatever but because they are so locked in the closet (myself included) the diversity of guys we are able to interact and develop relationships with is limited. It is just a shame that people are not allowed to live their lives freely just because of intolerance and narrow minded ideals. The sad part about this entire thing is that, these closet guys do eventually come out, but when they do the sexual appeal they so ably possessed in their youth is no longer present and the chances of finding a partner becomes that much more difficult.

Monday, January 5, 2009

School = Stress

Yesterday, I was a bit apprehensive about returning to school. The holiday was such a welcomed relief that it was so hard for me to go back to all that work. When I am on holiday I have no care in the world. I can get up at 11 am or noon everyday and not have to worry about getting up at 5 am to catch the bus. Usually I am the first person in the laboratory in the mornings and most often the last person to leave. After a long day of carrying out scientific experiments, running to the library every minute and writing research papers I am dead tired. When I get home at 7:30 pm. all I can do is watch a few of my favourite programs (half asleep), eat then collapse in my bed. Four hours later the cycle starts all over again. It takes someone of really strong will and determination to do what I do everyday because it really becomes draining.

Now for the shocker! I am not actually a student. I graduated college a few years ago with an honours degree but I was unable to find employment. All the jobs I applied to told me I was either too qualified or not qualified enough. But being the stubborn person that I am, I refused to engage in mediocre work just to get money. After slaving away for so many years and spending all my time and resources to get a good education why would I want to resort to jobs I could have easily gotten without a degree? Going to college would have just been a complete waste of my time. I have been told that my view on this issue is stupid but I really don’t care. It makes perfect sense to me and that’s all that matters.

As a driven individual, I therefore made it my duty to strengthen my qualifications so I would be better able to get employment. Nothing beats experience and so I went back to school to get more of it. However trying to improve my skills as a scientist has proven to be extremely challenging. All my savings has been depleted, so I have no money at all and most days I go without even eating lunch. Sometimes if I am lucky I manage to sneak breakfast in before I leave home. All my money goes to the bus, which is the cheapest form or transportation I can afford. Yes, a lot of people think I am stupid for doing this too but I have only one life to live and I want to make sure that I am spending every minute of it doing something I love. Money isn’t everything, happiness is.

Despite the fact that school is so stressful and I am technically working without being paid, I love what I do. On the surface it might appear that this is pointless but I am doing great research which will ultimately help me to get into graduate school and eventually get my name on a scientific publication. Everything I do has a purpose, even if scoffers can’t immediately decipher what it is I am trying to accomplish. Additionally on days like today, when I am surrounded by such great friends and generous people it all seems worth it. Someone even offered to pay for my bus fare tomorrow, after I told them what was happening, but being the person I am, I couldn’t take her money. I don’t want to feel like charity. I laughed a lot today and if felt great. I saw, spoke and interacted with a lot of happy people today and it felt great. Going to school is stressful but despite the lack of recognition as an official student and the struggles I have to endure just to move further up the ladder, days like today are worth it.

My lifestyle might not be glamorous and fast paced. My life might suck more than most but it doesn’t make sense complaining about it, just make the most of what you have.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Is he a Faggot?

Today I wanted to write about my desire to sleep in tomorrow and not go to school (Yeah, It sounded like a really fun post too) but something happened in the interim that completely changed my plans.

As I was writing this post, my mom came and sat beside me and started talking on the phone as she usually does. Disrupting me and peeking on my laptop as she chats. It so happened that I was also watching SNL’s (Saturday Night Live) Sports Extra 09 and a comedy sketch with Derek Jeter was just starting. In it he was dressed up as a woman. He and the other cast members, Amy Poehler included (just love her), were playing the wives of Yankee players. Derek who was playing Candy then started talking, immediately afterwards I heard, “Is he a Faggot?” To which I responded, “No he isn’t, he’s just acting in a SNL skit”. To you that might be shocking but to me it’s expected.
I was unable to find a clip of the sketch online but I have provided some pics instead.

And here he is without the women's clothes

My mom is one of those individuals that believe in treating everyone well and helping the less fortunate but when it comes to gays she has never kept her dislike for their lifestyle silent. Don’t get me wrong, this is the same woman who has taught me many great lessons on love and doing the right thing. Lessons which have remained with me ever since I was a child. As such, I treat everyone I interact with the same way I want to be treated; without compromise, even to those who have told a million lies on me.

Don’t think badly about my mom! Please. I love her a lot and it would kill me to know that I was the one that made people think she is a bad person. I think it’s just symptomatic of a larger problem, my culture. Mommy, like so many other members of the Jamaican population, is just naturally accustomed to hating gays because they aren’t educated about who we are. And frankly, i doubt every will. Additionally, being a strict christian, I guess you can imagine how homosexuality all plays out in her mind.

Everyone else seems to be catching on that I might be a raging “Fag” so why is it that my mother can’t pick up the clues? I think I've given everybody enough hints by now to figure it out for themselves. Those that can't, must really be in denial. Despite how hurtful those comments can be, I hope that the relationship we have now will still be there when i come out.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Another Closet Case

Where to start? So much has happened in the “Chronicles” already that I have no clue at which point to get you guys caught up.

I guess the best point to start is to address the entire issue of my sexual orientation, because invariably it affects every aspect of my life, whether I like it or not. So if the bright colours and the list of exclusive gay blogs I subscribed to isn’t enough of a tip off then let me spell it out. I’m gay!!! For the record, these words have never left my mouth. Ever!! Not because I don’t want to say them but there has never been anybody to say them to. Furthermore, I don’t want to be classified as being gay. Wait…before you start lighting your mob torches. There is nothing wrong with being called Gay, but there is so much more to me than just being gay. Am I wrong to want to be viewed as a unique entity and not just as “Gay guy”?

Once you become openly gay, the world begins to view you has just being gay.

“Oh this is my gay friend Tom”,
“That’s the gay plumber”,
“That’s the gay guy from my school”

On the other hand you almost never hear,

“Oh this is my straight friend Jack”,
“That’s the straight plumber”,
“That’s the straight guy from my school”

That’s unless you are living in an alternate universe that I don’t know about, in which case I suggest you spill the beans NOW before I have to hurt you. When you are straight, there is never a need to point out the fact that you are straight. People just call you by your name or title but when you are gay, it’s as if you must put gay in front of everything. Why the urge to classify homosexuals? Are we that much of a side-show that we have to bring everybody’s attention to our gayness?

Additionally, many of you might have figured out by now that I am still in the closet. Contrary to popular knowledge I am not in the closet fingering Katie. I am in there because I don’t want to die. Usually when I am in a discussion with someone on the internet and I tell them, “I’m in the closet……” many of them instinctively ask, so why are you still not “Out” if you feel this strongly about being open? And to them I ask, Do you see where I live? Jamaica! My country is the most homophobic country in the Western Hemisphere and that isn’t even an exaggeration. It is ranked as one of the top 5 most homophobic countries in the World. If that wasn’t enough, it is illegal to be involved in any homosexual activity here, whether it is in public or in private. Disregard of this stupid law could see your ass in prison for 10 yrs. Then again if you are interested in getting raped multiple times for the day then I suggest you apply right away. A fresh bottom is always in high demand. It’s ironic that the very thing you get sent to jail for is the very thing you are forced to do for the next few years. How fun it most be to be a Prison Slut! Furthermore, my family would kick me out of the house if they found out I was gay and I am allergic to sleeping on the road side. So we can't have that.

Well, if prison is not what you desire then a good beating by the local mob might be your fancy. Violence against gay men here are extremely gruesome. None of which I wish to recount. It’s one of the most horrible deaths you can ever imagine and the fact that there are 100s of witnesses to the public killings never makes a difference. The government turns a blind eye and still refuses to enact laws to protect gays. During the killings, spectators just laugh while you bleed out in the streets. Most often the media covers such events and most individuals are more than willing to go on National TV and say, “He deserved it and the rest of us should get beaten too”. (I can just hear the potential tourists packing their bags to come here now). The ignorance in Jamaica about who homosexuals really are is unprecedented. Nobody wants to hear or see anything about it and as such there will never be any change. It’s never to be spoken of or condones in any form, unless of course it’s to incite violence.

No one knows how frustrating it is to be gay, horny 24/7, having no relief, 22 yrs old, a virgin, lying all the time, pretending to be interested in girls and living in this hell hole. It’s physically and emotionally draining. Additionally, my situation is further complicated considering that I am also a Christian. Gays and Religion don’t mix and no matter how hard I try to make both work together I can’t. It’s either I am going to deny that I am gay for the rest of my life (which honestly I can’t because the urge to plow my dick into some else’s ass or get my ass ripped to shreds is too strong) and worship God or live my gay life and reject the church (which I can’t because I don’t want to burn in Hell. lol). Why can’t they co-exist? WHY!?!?

Sometimes, I wonder to myself, “Why is it Americans can’t realize what they have?” I use America because they are the most gay-friendly country closest to me, I talk to more guys there than anywhere else in the world, most of my best gay friends are Americans and they are a world superpower for God sakes, they deserve mention. Lol. They have the freedom to be gay, do what they want, fuck whoever they want, marry whoever they want (I really wanted the gays in CA to get their way with prop 8. Hush guys) and say whatever they damn well please without many ramifications. I would literally kill to do that even once.

So until the time I can find a worthy dick to suck or find someone who can fuck my ass raw and give me that exploding ecstasy, I will have to continue suffering under the bondages of my country and the $@?*&^% narrow-minded pricks that live here.
Anyway, this was never meant to be a depressing blog. I hate complaining about my life but this is my reality and I just wanted to get my situation out of the way so I can focus on more fun stuff. It’s just unavoidable.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Activated: The Birth of Awesomeness

Firstly, I must point out that I am an avid blog reader. For years I have enjoyed reading about the lives of numerous individuals on the net but never had enough courage to put my own life out there for the world to see. The fear that no one would read it was holding me back and the fact that there would be people reading was terrifying. Talk about conflicted!

Anyway, to be honest, the reason I decided to start my blog after three freakin’ years of contemplation is because of my good friend from Cyprus, TroubledMnd. I am going to be bold and say, I introduced him to the wonderful world of blogging. Which I did! However he had the gumption to start his blog before mine…….Bastard! Then again if he had waited on me to start mine before starting his then I guess he would be waiting a really really long time. Count on someone else to do something first before I start moving. Damn my procrastinating nature.

Considering today is the 1st of January, I thought it was a good day to start off the year. A New Year’s resolution if you can call it that. As they always say, “Start the year off the way you want to continue”. I don’t believe it makes a difference though. A lot of crap if you ask me.

If you weren’t able to tell, I am very hesitant of starting a blog. My life can get really hectic at times and as such often leaves me with no time to do anything else but a 4 hrs night sleep. You should see the bags under my eyes. I look like a zombie. Thank God for Holidays. Then again, with all the crap that happens in my life this blog should make for a very interesting read…..or not. I don’t want to be one of those persons that starts a blog and gets bored with it 2 months down the road then stop. I am going to stick with it and see what happens.

I am new to the writing portion of the Blog World so bear with me. I will be making additions and improvements to my page as the days progress. Also I love to write and “Vent” so this should be an interesting outlet. Don’t you think?

Oh! Have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!