My Gay Life: Months later

I have all but abandoned my blog. I forgot how fun it was to write about my life before it got all crazy. But lets face it, this was pretty much the only outlet for me to vent my frustration of being a young gay man living in a homophobic country. It provided a means of relief. Now that my life isn't that closeted anymore, I am no longer in Jamaica, at least for the moment, I have tonnes of gay friends, I party in gay clubs, I go to gay events and meet some really kool gay people, I openly talk about fucking other guys and don't even care about who is listening and I am no longer a virgin (which I miss by the way. Oh my God such a Huge mistake. Insanely hot guy but still a mistake.....but sex is fun. And I keep doing it. It's amazing what you discover about yourself sexually. I haven't had that mind blowing kind of sex yet though and I have done it with a few people :( My new goal? )

After all that, and more, I really didn't see the need or feel it rather, to keep my blog up and running. My dependence on it to prevent an emotional explosion was loss. I am somewhat comfortable with my gay self now, even to the point of considering telling my family. Yup, that's not going to be fun at all.

Anyway, I should get back to my exam paper. God I hate school work Arggggg. Lol. [Procrastination....check]

It was nice talking to you guys again. I feel all tingly inside now. Not really, just horny :D

Hopefully I'll be posting more frequently. We'll see how well I am able to do this when my course load shots up to a million things. I definitely intend on keeping my blog going even if I go a year with out doing it. It's FUN!!!

Absent

So I haven't blogged in quite a really really long long long time but that doesn't mean I have abandoned my blog. NO WAY!!! I have a lot of stuff, school related, going on and I'm just trying to survive my first year. Therefore my blog has taken a back seat for now but I'll be coming back soon. Exam period is about to start but I should have a bit of free time after that....like 1-2 week before I have to go back to classes. Yes. No rest for the innocent.

Life here is a little bit more fun now though, I think. I've met a few more people but still no boyfriend material. I am still looking. I also came out to two of my friends, which felt great. For once I didn't have to be lying all the time.

Presently, I am also trying to lose my virginity. I have some boys lined up, yes there is more than one, but as for which I'm going to follow through on is still left to question.

Anyway,until sure time my readers. Take care

Confused

So if you guys can recall, I made a Facebook friend through my Craigslists Ad. He was a really nice guy. Well at least I thought he was a nice guy. Anyway, while walking from the gym through the underground maze they have in the building I saw a guy that looked familiar. I didn't have to think very hard about who it was because I recognized that it was the guy I met via Craig's. He was standing with his two friends, waiting for the Racket-ball court so I didn't want to strike up a conversation with them there and I didn't want to walk pass him as if I didn't know him either. So when I approached him, in the tight passage, I basically said "Hi" to the guy and keep walking. When I did that I saw his friend give him "a look" but I didn't think anything of it.

When I finally got home, which was a few hours later, I logged onto Facebook and realized that he had removed me as a friend. Yup it still hurts!! And it never gets any easier. These people are absolutely destroying my self-esteem. It's normal if I want to cry right? lol

I am not even going to try and come up with a reason why this happened. I'm tired of trying to rationalize and figure people out. I will let you guys draw your own conclusions this time.

:( :(

I really wish I had more positive stuff to put on my blog. Sorry guys!!

Scott Herman's Interview with Feast of Fun

So guys, I am still on Scott. And the fact that I am doing a third post on him should prove it. That's never happened before. Then again I've never done a post on a model/fitness trainer other than him so yes he's special!!

Anyway, a few days ago I received an email from Fausto Fernos, the host and producer of a podcast called "Feast of Fun" (which he does in conjunction with his partner Marc Felion) informing me of a recent interview they did with our lover boy Scott. Being it was Scott, I decided to take a listen and to be frank, I thought it was a pretty interesting interview. So as not to be selfish, I further decided to share my Scotty with all you little sluts....AGAIN. So if you want to hear his interview too you can visit the link below:

http://www.feastoffun.com/podcast/2010/02/03/fof-1137-scott-herman-wants-you-to-work-out-02-03-10/

or better yet subscribe to their podcast at:

http://tinyurl.com/feastoffun

Mentally Destroyed

It has been so long since I’ve blogged that I’ve completely forgotten what I wrote about the last time….NOT!! Infact it is still very fresh in my mind. I thought I would be over him by now but that guy screwed with my mind so much that my family and friends have even become concerned about my change in behavior. Yup, I’m in such a foul mood that people around me are beginning to notice. That’s not good. And I would really love to tell them why but I can’t or more accurately won't.

It’s inevitable that I am going to run into him on campus sooner or later but I’m curious how that exchange will play out. Should I ignore him, like he did me, or should I take the high road and be friendly? Did I forget to mention that he is now friends with my friends? So the possibility of running into him just increased a couple thousand degrees. His pictures have even started popping up in my friend’s Facebook Albums and it sucks. I don’t think I can get over this if I am constantly reminded of him. Honestly, Do we realize how much our actions can affect others however insignificant we think they are?

To make matters worse I did the unthinkable and placed an ad on Craigslist just to see if I could make a fresh start. The response was very overwhelming and relatively successful in my eyes, but nothing came out of it. I met one guy who was really into me, even wanted me to come over to his house at 1am but I declined. We made plans to go see a movie together 2 days later but he bailed on me and I never heard from him after that. He claimed he had too much school work. So did I, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from having a good time. Anyway, I wasn’t too disappointed because I wasn’t overly attracted to him however it would have been fun to experiment a bit with him. Lol. I met a few other guys too but majority of them were just a waste of time. One however was really nice and we are now Facebook friends. Not sure if I should suggest, we fool around and see where it goes. I am just not good with these things at all. I’m a noob in a sea of experts.

Ok!! Maybe my ad wasn’t that successful. So I decided that I would answer someone else’s. A lacrosse player from my University had put up one for “friends with benefits” so I decided that I would send him an email. We exchanged a few emails with stats, looking for etc and it was going pretty well until it was time to exchange pics. I sent him a body shot and he was like, “I am definitely interested in ….” That sent me over the moon especially because he was so MEGA hot!! He then requested a face pic which I also sent a few seconds later. And can you guess what happened next? You got it!! I never heard from him again. Lol. He didn’t even send me his in return. BooHoo

I once thought I was cute but in the midst of all these rejections after submitting my face pic I am beginning to wonder if I am a Butterface. Lol. To say the least my self-esteem took a nose dive, AGAIN! I don’t know if I am dealing with perfectionists, only interested in whites, or what but either way it leaves me feeling very unattractive. It’s kinda hard to be rejected so many times. This does not give me any zeal to try and connect with anyone here on a sexual level. It’s too much. MY GOD WHY DID I COME TO A WHITE SCHOOL?

I think trying to change my life to something I hope will make me happier is accomplishing the opposite effect. I’m more depressed than ever. People are actually going out of their way to be extra friendly/attentative to me now. Even calling me to make sure I am ok. What the hell? I know I feel like shit but I didn’t know it was so obvious to everybody else too.

I often contemplated seeking professional help but I always resisted. There’s no doubt that I do need it now because I am in a really dangerous mental state. I don’t want to be like this anymore!!

On a happier note, Emily and I the best of friends now. It's so Awesome. I mentioned her in the post, Going Straight. We stop and chat with each other in the hallway everytime we pass and we even have a class together now. And yes we always sit together too. It's absolutely amazing. She even broke up with her boyfriend, who also sits right in front of us in class. They don't even talk anymore. Awkward!!! I wonder if she is using me to make him jealous? Then again she was just as sweet to me even when they were together. Either way she is still fucking gorgeous, friendly and smart. It's unbelievable. And I love it when she hits me in the ABS. Her hands on me is nice. I still find it hard that she wants to be friends with me even though there are so many hot guys in our building. She is the most beautiful white girl I have seen to date and I am friends with her. It's Great.

Rejected.....Again!!!

Somebody please give me an award. I WAS RIGHT!! He lost interest.

So here's how the story unfolded/ended....lol

Up to this point I had not unlocked my private pics for him because I had a sneaky feeling this would happen. It would have been common courtesy for me to unlock my private pics too since he had already done so but I wanted to prolong my fantasy as long as I could. He however finally asked me if he could see them and I willingly obliged. In addition to unlocking them I also responded to an email he sent earlier. Usually he would've responded to my email even if I had not asked a question, but this time around he didn't. From this point onward, I knew it was over but I still had hope. A few emails back, he and I exchanged AIM names but we never really got a chance to use it. Thinking that he probably didn't respond to my email because he knew he would run into me on AIM made me a little less worried. Later that night I saw him sign in but he didn't send me an IM so I decided I would. I typed "Alex?" Then 2 seconds later he went offline. I was destroyed but still very hopefully that he might have been busy, at work, or on his way to class. (Talk about making excuses when the truth is right in front of your face.) I stayed up until about 1 am to see if he would sign in again but he didn't. This was usually the time he sent me emails or asked me if I am online? That little bastard. lol. The fact that he didn't sign in made it clear. He was no longer interested.

Today I really had a hard time focusing at school. All I could think about was the cold shoulder he had given me after unlocking my private pics. I think it is either one of three reasons. 1. I'm black (He's white) 2. I wasn't attractive enough for him. 3. I wasn't showing enough "skin" in my privates (LOL LOL). Honestly, I don't think I am super model gorgeous but I don't think I am bad looking either so I'm thinking it's one of the other two (Black). Seriously, his reaction/behaviour really messed with my self esteem, even to the point of making we extremely depressed and a little suicidal. I even wanted to cry when I was sitting in the cafe having lunch. But bursting into tears would cause a scene. lol I really needed my friends but as usual none of them were around when I really needed them. (I was a wreck). And what made it worst was the fact that he had even written a forum about how difficult it was to find someone who wanted a relationship and not just sex or a hook up and how he hated people who were shallow. He even wrote that he was tired of having his "heart/hopes crushed too many times". lol. Now that I read his post again I want to laugh. This is so hypocritical. Weird, I thought if he knew what it felt like to have his heart crushed he would try to avoid causing other people the same pain. I would. [Sigh] I actually thought he was different.

This morning I ensured that I signed into AIM all day under invisible to see if he would come online. He didn't. I have been sitting here infront of my computer for a while now and he still hasn't signed in. It hit me earlier, that the offline message I got after sending him the IM was actually him removing me from his list. lol. Isn't that funny? All that time wasted waiting for someone to sign in who had already deleted you from their list 18 hours ago. LOL. My life is good. lol. On AIM you can never tell if someone has actually removed you from their buddy list. You just never know. I think he did though but if you guys know how to tell, let me know too. OK?

If you couldn't tell I am really taking this hard guys. Even though I know it was inevitable it still hurts like hell. Imagine if I was in an actual relationship with him. My God... I don't even want to think about what I would've done. You guys must all think I am crazy and perhaps damaged. To be honest I do think I am a little damaged. I haven't done 3/4 of the stuff people my age have (sex, kissed anybody etc) so everything is 3 times as difficult for me. Yup, I am definitely dying a kissless, lonely virgin. lol lol.

I am impressed with myself though. Anybody in my position would have definitely killed themselves already. Now the question is, “How much more of this can I handle?” Right now, I am pretty much tempted to close all my social networking accounts. But at the risk of alienating nice and genuine people I often resist the urge. What I am doing instead is writing an irrate "About Me" section with who I want sending me emails. (It's not pretty. I already wrote it. just trying to decided if I should put it up). What do you guys think? Bad or not?

Sometimes I think people don't realize how much their actions impact others. Up to this point there are very few people, through their actions, who have proven to me that not all humans are assholes. And for that I am very grateful. I guess this is a good time to tell you that Scott did infact accept my request. I told you he had a heart of gold. (And THANKS for the Shout Out Scott. I've never seen so much blog traffic in my life)

Anyway, please Don’t try to make me feel better by telling me it gets better. It never does!!! I am also sorry to inform you my dear readers that a good heart counts for nothing if it's not attached to a hot body. ie. If you are looking of a relationship.

Scott Herman and The Hottie from School

School has started again, to my chagrin, but that’s not what I want to focus on right now. Today was a bittersweet day for a number of reasons. The first of which is due to the fact that over the holidays my love for Scott Herman was reignited. I stumbled on to one of his youtube videos and the more I watched his videos, the more I was reminded of how hot he is. Also his physical beauty was even made more attractive by his genuine kind heartedness. I was really trying not to get sucked in by him but when I found his Facebook fan page and profile he was too hard to resist. I just had to send him a friend request. This was very much out of character for me because I don’t send friend requests to people I don’t know and people who I am merely infatuated with. Despite that fact I did it anyway with hopes that a miracle would take place. Even though Scott had a fluctuating number of friends around the Facebook friend limit (5000) I was hoping that I would be one of the lucky ones given a shot to be placed on his list. Lol. From my little ramble I think you guys can guess what happened by now. Yup, he rejected my request. Lol. He however did it like a gentleman by informing me of his decision my email. Something he is not obligated to do. Scott is just an overall good, hot guy…The complete package in my eyes (minus being straight). Lol. So that was the bitter part of my day.

Now for the Sweet! As many of you know I am a HUGE Facebook addict so I am on this website almost 24/7. I just can’t get enough of it. Anyway, in previous posts I have often mentioned that I cruise the Facebook pages of guys that attend my university just for fun. Many of these guys are pretty hot by my standards but I know well enough that nothing will ever happen between me and these “straight” guys so I try not to dwell on their hotness too much. (Why did I let this happen with Scott Herman I don’t know!! ). I always get burned. So yesterday, I get this email from an extremely hot guy on one of these Gay Social Networking sites of which I am a member. I don’t really get excited about these emails anymore because they are just a huge waste of time for me. If this has happened to you a couple of times you get pretty jaded and don’t really give a crap who the email comes from anymore, hot or not. So I noticed that he unlocked his private photos for me, so true to form I go to his profile page first to check out his public pics. I was surprised, this guy was fucking hot. In the back of my mind I was saying, “These pics must be fake. Nobody this hot is ever interested in me” I then went to his private pics…..HOLY SHIT!!! This was one of the hot guys from my school. In my mind I was saying this is not happening. WHAT!! He’s Gay?!?! This can’t be real. I then went back to his Facebook page and on it, it says he’s interested in women. Lol. A closeted hottie!!!.....WooHooo, just the way I like them. I got a kick out of it. At the moment we are currently exchanging emails and everything he says is the same as it is on his Facebook Page and on the School’s Directory Information so I know it’s really him. I am trying really hard not to become too invested in him because if we do decide to meet face to face, I have this sneaky feeling that he is not going to like me and this is going to become a next Scott Herman moment. I really can’t deal with the heart break. I would be crushed, so at present I am trying really hard not to mess this up, say the wrong thing or give him the wrong vibe as I have so often done with guys I am attracted to. I just know he’s not going to like me if we meet face to face. Give me strength not to fall for this guy Dear Lord, I don’t think I could handle it if he rejects me.

A prime example of me messing up can be taken from an experience I had only 3 days ago. I went to the gym in the first time in a long time ( I was in Florida before) and as I walked through the door this really attractive guy comes up to me and says, "Do you want a workout partner?" His request really caught be off guard. Because of this shocking approach I found my mouth moving faster than my brain. I said sure. I then started my workout and he then asked me, How many sets of that (chest flies) are you going to do? I then said I just free style it (WHAT!!! Free Style? What the hell am I saying? NO!!) He then said, "Oh, I'll come back then" He never did. lol. I swear I am going to die alone. LOL LOL. I have gone over how I could've handled this differently like a million times. His request just really caught me off guard. Damn

Anyway, I will keep you guys updated.

One Year Anniversary!!!

Hey Guys!!! Guess WHAT!?!? IT'S MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

I have been blogging for one entire year. Yeah, I can't believe it either. This was one resolution I actually stuck with......actually, this and and exercising. Even though I felt like giving up I am glad I saw it through.

I guess I should also wish you guys a, Happy New Year too shouldn't I? So here goes, HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I hope that this year will be the year that we all get some sex and find a nice hot boyfriend so we can have some more hot sex. To be honest, I could have wished you a Happy New Year's much much earlier but you guys sometimes forget to let me know if you are reading. Because of this lack of interaction I am less likely to want to post stuff more frequently on my blog. What's the point of doing it if nobody is reading? You get what I'm saying? A little feedback goes along way.

Anyway enough of that! So with every new milestone everybody wants to do something different and I am no exception. I have a new idea that I want to incorporate into my blog but I am keeping it under wraps for now because I don't know if I will be able to do it. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work to even pull it off successfully. So just in case I can't I won't look like a fool.

Anyway, Have a great day/night guys. Talk to you soon (fingers crossed).