Mentally Destroyed

It has been so long since I’ve blogged that I’ve completely forgotten what I wrote about the last time….NOT!! Infact it is still very fresh in my mind. I thought I would be over him by now but that guy screwed with my mind so much that my family and friends have even become concerned about my change in behavior. Yup, I’m in such a foul mood that people around me are beginning to notice. That’s not good. And I would really love to tell them why but I can’t or more accurately won't.

It’s inevitable that I am going to run into him on campus sooner or later but I’m curious how that exchange will play out. Should I ignore him, like he did me, or should I take the high road and be friendly? Did I forget to mention that he is now friends with my friends? So the possibility of running into him just increased a couple thousand degrees. His pictures have even started popping up in my friend’s Facebook Albums and it sucks. I don’t think I can get over this if I am constantly reminded of him. Honestly, Do we realize how much our actions can affect others however insignificant we think they are?

To make matters worse I did the unthinkable and placed an ad on Craigslist just to see if I could make a fresh start. The response was very overwhelming and relatively successful in my eyes, but nothing came out of it. I met one guy who was really into me, even wanted me to come over to his house at 1am but I declined. We made plans to go see a movie together 2 days later but he bailed on me and I never heard from him after that. He claimed he had too much school work. So did I, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from having a good time. Anyway, I wasn’t too disappointed because I wasn’t overly attracted to him however it would have been fun to experiment a bit with him. Lol. I met a few other guys too but majority of them were just a waste of time. One however was really nice and we are now Facebook friends. Not sure if I should suggest, we fool around and see where it goes. I am just not good with these things at all. I’m a noob in a sea of experts.

Ok!! Maybe my ad wasn’t that successful. So I decided that I would answer someone else’s. A lacrosse player from my University had put up one for “friends with benefits” so I decided that I would send him an email. We exchanged a few emails with stats, looking for etc and it was going pretty well until it was time to exchange pics. I sent him a body shot and he was like, “I am definitely interested in ….” That sent me over the moon especially because he was so MEGA hot!! He then requested a face pic which I also sent a few seconds later. And can you guess what happened next? You got it!! I never heard from him again. Lol. He didn’t even send me his in return. BooHoo

I once thought I was cute but in the midst of all these rejections after submitting my face pic I am beginning to wonder if I am a Butterface. Lol. To say the least my self-esteem took a nose dive, AGAIN! I don’t know if I am dealing with perfectionists, only interested in whites, or what but either way it leaves me feeling very unattractive. It’s kinda hard to be rejected so many times. This does not give me any zeal to try and connect with anyone here on a sexual level. It’s too much. MY GOD WHY DID I COME TO A WHITE SCHOOL?

I think trying to change my life to something I hope will make me happier is accomplishing the opposite effect. I’m more depressed than ever. People are actually going out of their way to be extra friendly/attentative to me now. Even calling me to make sure I am ok. What the hell? I know I feel like shit but I didn’t know it was so obvious to everybody else too.

I often contemplated seeking professional help but I always resisted. There’s no doubt that I do need it now because I am in a really dangerous mental state. I don’t want to be like this anymore!!

On a happier note, Emily and I the best of friends now. It's so Awesome. I mentioned her in the post, Going Straight. We stop and chat with each other in the hallway everytime we pass and we even have a class together now. And yes we always sit together too. It's absolutely amazing. She even broke up with her boyfriend, who also sits right in front of us in class. They don't even talk anymore. Awkward!!! I wonder if she is using me to make him jealous? Then again she was just as sweet to me even when they were together. Either way she is still fucking gorgeous, friendly and smart. It's unbelievable. And I love it when she hits me in the ABS. Her hands on me is nice. I still find it hard that she wants to be friends with me even though there are so many hot guys in our building. She is the most beautiful white girl I have seen to date and I am friends with her. It's Great.