I Wish...

I wish life wasn’t so complicated
I wish I had more privacy
I wish I wasn’t in the closet
I wish I never lived in this Country
I wish I didn’t have acne
I wish I didn’t have spots on my back
I wish I had baby smooth skin
I wish I had a bigger body
I wish I wasn’t so self conscious
I wish I had a boyfriend
I wish I wasn’t a virgin
I wish I didn’t feel like riff-raff all the time
I wish other people I respect will show me some
I wish I was taller
I wish my friends would act more friendly
I wish I had one true friend
I wish I was always happy
I wish I had someone to tell all my problems to
I wish people would stop asking me if I have a girlfriend
I wish girls would stop hitting on me
I wish someone I share a mutual attracted to would make the first move
I wish that at least one of my dreams will work out the way I want it to
I wish more people would love me for me
I wish…..

The Interview

Just a few hours ago I completed the job interview I made reference to in week before last's post, Drama and Stress. Unfortunately I was rejected immediately after finishing the interview. The reason they gave for not hiring me was, “You are just too intelligent and over qualified for the position and we feel that we would be doing you an injustice if we hired you. It would just be a waste of your qualifications and skills if we allowed you to take this job. However with your impressive qualifications we are sure we will be hearing more about you in the future”

At this point I was saying to myself, what a load shit. This is what they made me get up 5 am for? Commute and wait 4 damn hours for? Waste my day-off for? Just to tell me I am too intelligent and over qualified? What the fuck! Isn’t that what the resume is for so you are able to weed out the people you definitely won’t hire? Perhaps, I might have been a bit over qualified, but I wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble of learning about their organization and spending the time to do the interview if I wasn’t interested in the job. Come on! Are they kidding me?

To make matters worst, on my way home I decided to take the government bus. Usually when I take this bus I am often the 40th to 50th person in the queue and as such when I reach inside the bus all the seats are taken and I have to stand up for majority of the journey. Today I was the 2nd person in the line which was great because this almost never happens. However the security guard told those persons at the front of the line that he would be loading the bus from the dock closest to the back (Note, this usually occurs on occasion). So a few of us left our spot and went to the next dock. However when the bus came he loaded from the previous dock. When we saw what was happening we tried to get back in the front of the line but the Dip shit refused to let us pass so we had to go to the back of the queue. I was so fucking pissed. To make the situation even worst, there was also a woman in her forties (40s aka cougar) in the line that changed docks with me. However I made the mistake of asking, “Do they usually switch docks at this hour?” and apparently she misinterpreted this as an invitation to be friends. She then said to me, “You look sexy in your suit. My God you are handsome. Are you coming from work?” She then proceeded to talk and ask me questions until the bus arrived. When the bus came she made it clear that she wanted to sit beside me. I had hoped to give her the slip in the bus but when I got inside she kept asking me, “Where are you sitting? Where are you sitting? I hope you are not trying to escape from me” I didn’t want to be rude so I said to her, “I like to sit at the window at the back”. Suffices to say, she talked my ears off the entire journey. All I wanted was to sit down, relax and watch the people go by but she just wouldn’t Shut Up. There was never a second of silence, literally. Why does this always happen to me?

On a brighter note, shortly before I did my interview this morning, I got another call for a Medical Research lab to come in for an interview next week. It’s ironic that in a global economic down turn like this when everyone is losing their jobs, that I am getting all these “Interview calls”. I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing but one thing is for sure I am damn tired of doing them. It’s either I am not qualified enough or too damn qualified. With each interview I do it becomes more difficult for me to be enthusiastic about it when I know it might end like all the others thus far.

Broken Gaydar

Those of you that have been reading my posts would already know that I believe there are a lot of men in the world who are gay but just completely closeted. Yeah, I could be wrong but it’s just my little unfounded fanciful impression.

I don’t know why I think that every guy I catch looking at me is automatically gay. Any logical person would know this is not always the case but I find it too comforting so I abandon logic and embrace the illogical when it comes to men. The reason why I mention this is because I think my gaydar is broken. Every guy I see can’t be gay. Can they?

Recently I met another guy on the bus I take to work/school. Yes I know! I meet a lot of guys...too bad nothing ever happens. Anyway, usually everybody pretty much keeps to them self, as every good stranger should but this guy doesn’t seem to follow the norm. While waiting for the bus, he says to me, “I have never seen you take the bus before”. I then said, “Well I have been taking this bus longer than you have but...blah blah blah”. For those of you not familiar with Jamaican cultural norms and practices this is what we would call “Unusual Behaviour”. It’s typical for straight men to strike up a conversation with strange woman but never with a man. Don’t get me wrong this does happen, but not that often, and usually with a valid reason. He however kept asking me a tonne of questions, majority of which I was reluctant to answer because I was tired. I just wanted to squeeze a power nap in before I got home but that wasn’t happening. Anyway he seems like a pretty nice guy but everytime since then he goes out of his way to talk to me. For instance I was talking to one of my friends at the Bus stop and he comes over and starts talking to me as if he was apart of the conversation already. For a while I was standing there in disbelief (Is this guy serious?). I don’t know if he’s gay but it’s certainly not normal behaviour. I must admit though, I like the attention. Perhaps I should turn him into my slave boy. No? lol

This is beside the point though, because I definitely think there must be something wrong with my gaydar. But, “What is gaydar anyway?” As far as I can tell gaydar is just an action of obsessive staring. A guy looks at you, you look back, you do this a couple more times and this then establishes a sense of attraction. Nothing more, nothing less. OK! I know! This is a simple minded view of defining gaydar but this is what it feels like to me. Obviously, mannerisms and certain flags will also play a part in your overall assessment of the guy but sometimes you don’t have the time to make a truly informed assessment so you have to make a split decision. Not that you need to though, unless you're planning on sleeping with him or want to.In my case, he’s often put in my “Gay book”. However my problem with this is the fact that you can never really tell who is gay and who is not. It’s based entirely on your assumption of how the person looks at you. For all you know, they might be looking at the toilet paper stuck to your shoe or a big chunk of food plastered on your teeth. You never know! Gaydars are pretty much useless to me.

For those of you that have been 99% successful with this gay detection tool, Congratulations! Perhaps you can give me some pointers on how to improve mine. I want it fixed. NOWWW!!!

Drama And Stress

I feel like I have been away from my little blog baby for ages. Imagine February is almost over and I haven’t even made a few decent posts this month. I have been so tired and busy that the only thing that has occupied my time is work and sleep, with nothing in between. I know many of you will think I am just exaggerating but in all honesty my life for the pass few weeks is just that. WORK!!! The situation becomes even further complicated because I am forced to take home papers to mark. A set of papers on average takes me six hours per week to mark with each set containing anywhere from 10 to 13 reports. There has never been a week where I have had less than 6 set of papers. Therefore if you are any good with math you will know that I spend approximately 36 or more hours a week marking papers. Additionally what makes this even more stressful is the fact that I are only given 7 days from the date of submission to mark these damn papers. This I might also mention excludes the hours I have to spend at work, plus finding time to do my own research, Travelling as well as attending to my other responsibilities outside of work, such as my church duties. Yup I go to church.

I don’t expect anyone to really understand how maddening this is for me because a lot more details of the pass week has not even been included. For instance, that fact that I had to get up at 5 am on Sunday to mark papers so as to make the Monday deadline while ensuring I would still have time to attend a friend's party later that day but instead had to leave the party extremely early because my mom failed to take care of some family business.

There was however one highlight of the party that made my day brighter. A guy I had been crushing on for quite a while actually gave me all his food and went back for another plate for himself. It was so unexpected and sweet of him. He shocked me when he did that. However he did spill all his drink over my pants. I still don’t know if it was accidental or intentional. Shortly afterwards when I got the call that my services were needed at home he then walked with me (30 mins) to the taxi stand to make sure I was “safe” and then stayed with me until I got a taxi. What a gentleman! I don’t know if he is gay but he once asked me, “Would you be friends with a gay man?” And I said, "It depends." STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!! I should have said YES!

Anyway there are two other guys that I met this week that I am also crushing on too. The first one is really tall (which I like a lot) and he is always in the bus I take to work. On most occasions, I sit directly infront of him or behind him on the bus and this is always by coincidence. If I sit infront of him (like this morning) I usually linger on the bus until he passes my seat. I do this because he works in the building adjacent to mine so we have to walk on the same path to work. I want to walk behind him so that I can admire his body and tight ass. The view always makes starting my morning a bit more enjoyable.

The other guy works with me but he makes it really hard for me to remain professional when he is around. I want to touch him so much. Often times I find lame excuses so that I can go to his office. He is ten times sexier that the “Bus guy” so you can imagine how hard it is to keep my hands off him. I catch him staring at me now and again but I don’t really read too much into it because I strongly believe he is straight. He is just too cute for his own good. It would be so nice if we could sneak under the table and swap spit. :) lol I also stumbled (not really, more like stalking) his facebook and found a nice pic of him on the beach. Instant hard-on.

Additionally, I got a confidence boost this week. I must admit I get quite a few stares from people (both girls and boys) on a daily basis but the attention makes me feel weird. However there were a group of 5 girls this week that weren’t afraid to make their attraction to me known. I was walking down the hall and I saw them staring, whispering and laughing and I knew I was in trouble. As I got closer to them I could feel their eyes piercing into my soul. I avoided eye contact with them but when I reached where they were sitting they all started calling me but I thought that if I ignored them they would stop. Wrong! The further I walked away the louder they got. Eventually everybody else in the hall was staring at me too. I hate when that happens. I know I am attractive but I don’t think by that much. They needed to tone it down. Afterwards I felt horrible for not acknowledging them but experience taught me that if I do, I tend to dig a bigger hole for myself; pretending to be all interested in girls is hard work and very uncomfortable for me. Why can’t guys cat-call me? I would love that. Lol lol

Finally, I got a call on Tuesday with another job offer. I was so excited because I really wanted it and it pays really well however I have a contract with my present job so I can’t leave until I complete it. I plan to call the other company tomorrow to see if I can still get the job after my contract expires. I hope they say yes. If I get it then perhaps I can finally buy the SUV (Sports Utility Vehicle) I want and stop taking the bus. That would be a blessing.

Honestly, with all this drama and stress (a lot of it still un-mentioned) these past days I don’t know how I haven’t killed myself yet.

Sexual Exposure: Chapter 2

During my childhood years I was moved around from family to family for quite a while but unlike many children who hated being passed around from one place to the next, I actually enjoyed do it. I never really knew my father and my mother was working hard to ensure we would have a better life so both of them were never usually around in the early stages of my development. However even at that age I understood what my mother was trying to do, so I never resented her for leaving for a few years. My father is another story. Despite this, living with my family was great because they were all nice and it might account for the strong bonds I have with my family today. I always had my cousins near by to play with and a million adventures with them that I wouldn’t otherwise have gotten if I was living with my mom. I still fondly remember those memories and the scars to prove them. I guess living with them shaped me for the better. For instance, I had to make friends quickly after moving to a new place, so as an adult I guess it could explain why I’m such a “Social Butterfly”. Also I love to travel and perhaps moving around as a kid only re-enforced my passion to see more of the world.

The first person I ever remembered living with was Aunty Alexis and it was here that I had my first sexual experience. We lived in a little complex in the rural areas where everybody knew everybody. However, I distinctly recall only remembering three kids from that time; my best friend, Mike, who lived right beside me and a girl, Grace, and her brother, Dean, who lived beside him. Surprisingly, guys were never on my radar at that age so I started out my life experimenting more with girls than I did with boys or at least I didn’t really care to notice who I was really attracted to at that age because it was just “playing”.

One day while playing outside, Grace comes up to me and says I should follow her to the back of Mr. Johnson’s garage. However Mr. Johnson lived a few houses away in the heavily bushy area and I hated going down there because I was always afraid I was going to get lost in the tall grasses. But Grace was a few years older than I was so I decided to stop playing with my other friends and follow her. When we got to the back of the garage she turned around and told me to pull down my shorts. And like an idiot I did and she then told me to pull down my underwear. Even to this day I still remember that underwear. It was white, tight and woolly looking. Honestly I don’t know who in their right mind would have made something so ugly. It reminds me of shag carpeting now. Anyway, after pulling down my undies, Grace then touching my penis then pulled away her hand as if it were going to bite her. She then started rubbing it in her hands even more. I don’t even remember if I got an erection from the rubbing because this was such a weird experience. Grace then proceeded to pull down her panties from under her skirt. Being curious, I started touching her vagina too, after which I would smell my fingers. It was so raw. This continued for like a minute but felt more like an eternity at that age. Grace then leaned against the garage wall with her legs spread apart and pulled me closer to her. I went in between her legs and we started rubbing our private area together. Lightly at first then it got harder and harder and harder and at this point I definitely had an erection. Strangely enough, I don’t know how we knew to do that because I had never seen porn or sex in my life. I don’t want to give ages because I don’t remember how old I was exactly, but I think I was either 4 or 5. Then all of a sudden we hear footsteps. We scrambled to get our clothes on before the person turned onto the walkway and luckily we were able to accomplish that.

It was my Aunty and she had gotten worried when she didn’t see me. She asked us what we were doing and we both said, “Nothing!” at the same time. lol

Grace tried to do it again another time by rubbing the crotch of my pants when we were in her house alone but I told her no. It was just too weird for me and the idea of getting caught was scary. Interestingly enough in spite of all that I think about her brother the most. I always wondered what became of the guy. Not because I was attracted to him but because he was so damn ugly. I know that’s mean but he was really not a pretty sight. All is teeth were rotten to stubs for one and a lot of other things about him needed fixing. I hope he grow up from the ugly duckling to the beautiful swan.

Years after when I moved back with my mom she would ask me why I had stopped wearing the woolly underwear and I responded by telling her they were just too old, small and ugly, which they were. But in actuality I just couldn’t bear to wear them again after what I did in them. I just didn’t want to remember.