Stop the School....I want to Party

Crying...(drying my tears).... then crying some more

The paragraph you see below is a blog post I was writing about one and a half weeks ago but never got to finish.

"Once again I am on the rush. It's now a litte after 2 am and I have class pretty early today so can't blog long. I was suppose to spend a relaxing day at home blogging on Saturday, but I guess you guys know what happened. Today should have also been a relaxing day at home but got up late and then had to hitch a ride to the library to study for an exam I have on Wednesday. I don't know shit for that paper. I am scared.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that TV is"

Then I went to bed...I was just too tired to finish it.

I really can't explain what kind of stress I am under right now. This is definitely not undergrad anymore. These people don't lie when they say, "Grad school is a lot of work". I know I have said this a million times, but I really had no clue what I was getting myself into when I decided to go to Grad School.

Despite the tonne of work I have to do I am going to try and blog for a few minutes and not think about the mass of work I have piled up on my desk right now, which is due for tomorrow. Today, I went to school at 7 am and got home at 6pm. The first 3 hours were spent in class, the next five in the Medical library doing shit I don't know the first thing about, and the remaining hours spent in an Analytical Class, where your brian has to be firing every second just in case the professor picks on you to explain "The new Model of Cell Growth" :( ....yeah I didn't know. Just to give you an idea of how much I had to do, I will tell you I had a light breakfast about 7am and didn't eat again until 5:30.

I am really giving some serious consideration to finding new methods to cope with the Volume of work I have because what I am doing now ISN'T working. There is never a break. If I don't have an exam to study for, I have an assignment due, If I don't have an assignment due then I have to be reading long ass research papers for discussion. It's just a unending cycle of torture.

Perhaps I am beating this, "I have alot of work to do" to death but the reality is, it's my life right now. And I blog about my life. So please understand if I don't blog as much or as much about other stuff. I appreciate everyone that reads my blog. You guys make it all worthwhile.

Love

Movie and a Dinner then the Bar

First, let me address the temperature problem..."It's too damn cold". I knew what I was getting myself into when I came here but I was sadly misinformed. The temperature here is dropping rapidly. I can't go outside without a sweater now. I literally freeze my ass off without one. And everyone I talk to tells me, "This is nothing. You haven't seen anything yet" Honestly, the lowest temperature I have ever felt in my life was around 23 degrees celsius and tonight I went downtown with my friends and it was 10 celsius. Yeah, can you imagine how I was dying? Every restaurant with an outside dining area that they suggested I objected to. No way Am I going to sit outside in this Cold STORM (Ironic considering it hasn't even started yet). I don't know how else to express how cold it is here. It's just cold!!

Now that I mentioned I went downtown I have to tell you that I had Sushi for the first time in my life tonight. I thought it was something I would love but I guess it was not my cup of tea. This is not to say I wouldn't try it again because I definitely intend to. The soy sause just made it taste even worst for me, which is not the reason why chefs provide it during the meals. Also I think Wasabi should not be eaten....EVER. That thing is dangerous. To me it just made the food just plain inedible. It's so strong. The next time I eat sushi it will be without Wasabi, definitely, and perhaps a more tasteful sause. I think it would be great with these minor adjustments. To complicate matters the meal was only served with chop sticks. I can't use chop sticks, but luckily I have alot of asian friends now who are teaching me the art of eating with them. It was so challenging eating with these foreign objects. My mom was teaching me how to use them when I was younger but never persisted with it. Always went back to the fork because it was easier. Surprisingly, my asian friends find using forks difficult. lol. Really? So while the area around my plate was a diaster zone; sause, rice, raw fish and vegetables everywhere, everybody else's eating area was nice and clean, including my non asian friends. I sucked at using the chop sticks. The restaurant doesn't use forks and I didn't want to use my fingers so I had no choice but to struggle with the damn things. At the end of the dinner I got a hang of it. I felt so proud. I'm a Pro now....not really but don't think I am that far from mastering it. :) After which we went to a bar. I knew I was supposed to carry my ID but didn't. Behold I was asked for one. Long story short...I couldn't drink. I must be too damn young looking. I always get asked for ID. Stupid American Law.

Also went and say Inglorious Bastards at the theatre. It was a great movie. The killing scenes were a bit gruesome though. After the first couple killings I was not as shocked by the brutality of it all. My friend beside me kept her head covered throughout all the killing scenes (yes it was that bad) but I found her reaction hilarious. I recommend watching it. You will not be disappointed.

Finally before I retire to bed, I would also like to mention that the cute guy I mentioned in my SKUNK post, Facebooked me. Yeah...I was a little bit surprised he did too. At least I know I am acting gay enough now to let him know I was interested. But how did he know my last name? Hmmmm. Anyway, he is such an amazing dresser. That has to be the first thing I recognized about him and I guess others realized too because he was complimented on it at the party alot. The second thing I realized were those beautiful eyes. They were so bright and open. They had to be one of the most attractive pair of eyes I have ever seen. They fit him perfectly. Despite his cuteness, I don't think it's going to go anywhere beyond just being Facebook friends. For the record I am not being pessimistic. I can often tell when something might workout or might not. This is one of the might nots. He is even planning on moving in a few weeks so why bother wasting my time developing anything anyway? There's nothing to be had. I have stopped deluding myself of finding anybody. Boys will be boys everywhere you go. I guess I was just not meant to have one.

Ideas of Grandeur

Before I got here I had this belief that I would find a boyfriend right off the bat or at least have some form of connection with a guy I was attracted to. HA HA HA. Yeah, that was pretty stupid!!

If I could tell you exactly where I was going to school then I think you would understand why this would be hard or even next to impossible to accomplish. The boys here are what I would call "Predominantly white". And do you know what "Predominantly White" boys like? Yes you guessed it...other "Predominantly White" boys. Now, I am not in the "Predominantly white" category (because I'm black) so that leaves me with very slim pickings.

Honestly, I don't know how to work this gay thing and realistically I am getting pretty tired of trying (I have said this more than once throughout my blog but yet I still persist. Why?). Having a gay mentor would be so great!! The only consolation I have is that I don't feel like I am being judged as much now as I was back in Jamaica. I can be more of myself here and not have to be watching my back all the time. Infact I think, I might have become a little bit more gayer.

Basically what I am saying is that I don't think there is any hope for me. I am going to die a lonely virgin. And no I don't believe in paying for sex or hooking up with random people online, despite what I say on my blog. Or doing anythiny with someone I am not attracted to. This might be my down fall but so be it. I might talk crazy but I will never act crazy. My online persona is somewhat a polar opposite of who I actually am or better yet a reflection of who I would like to be. In real life I tend to be a bit more reserved and not as aggressive. It has always been one of my dreams to have something develop naturally, but hey I guess that's never going to happen. I am freakin' 23 and counting and never been kissed. Come on, Who else does that happen to? Only the freaks and rejects right? The earlier I accept that the happier I think my life will be. "No expectations, No disappointments" has been my motto for years and everytime I break it I always get burnt. So I guess i should stick with it more often.

After a few days in a new place I can often tell what my experience will be like. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't look all that bright here. As, I said before the consolation prize might be the fact that I can be more of me and not just an image of what I think society wants me to be.

I might act happy and cheerful most of the time but in actuality I am really not. I am very dissatisfied with my life and it makes me even more mad when I have to work so hard to make it better but it never seems to change. Perhaps it's your outlook on life that makes it different? I don't know. So if you haven't guessed by now, "I am in one of my moods". Maybe it's all the work and stress I am under...not. This seems to be happening too frequently not to be something more deep rooted. :(

I think I have suffered long enough so why can't I have some peace too? I know talking about it isn't going to change anything but it definitely makes me feel better, which is why I have my blog :)

Anyway, I am going to get back to my stupid work and my stupid life.

Horny Horny

Once again I am just going to do a quick blog. Busy Busy. For those of you that want to go to Grad School, let me tell you, it is definitely NOT a walk in the park. The work gets thrown at you from day one and you better be prepared for it. I am dreaming about holidays already. One of my Friends even wanted me to downlaod Skype and I can't even find the time to do that. (Sorry J. Promise I will). From I have gotten here, everyday is an information overload. There is no way on Earth I can remember every bit of infromation that comes my way. I had my first lab rotation today and it was like 5 hours of non-stop information. I work with rats in the lab now, which I think is so awesome because I always wanted to do experiments with them. However, no one mentioned a quiz. So I went to the lab and the first thing they tell me is to go and get Animal Accreditation for the lab. I go to the Animal Care office and then find out that I have to pass the tests administered after the presentation in order to to do the experiments. I was like WTF? I didn't study for these tests!! Anyway I passed them. I got 100% on both tests baby......Take that Bitches.

After passing the tests it was then another non-stop information download of the brain. I wanted the day to end so badly. Approximately about 5 pm I left school. While on the bus I realized. I don't have no food in the house and I have shit due tomorrow that I haven't even started. So took the bus pass my house to the grocery store. Went there and could only pick up like a frozen dinner. I am flat broke....seriously. These asses need to pay me soon or I'm going to die. Also while I was in the supermarket this gay guy comes to me and says, "Do you know how to make a Burrito?" I told him no but instead told him what I would put in it. It was fun talking with him. He was a older guy but very animated.

I don't know if I mentioned this but I ran into that pecular Jamaican guy again. I was in the library and it was a really crappy day already and here he comes strolling right up to me. In my mind I was saying "Oh No. Just please walk by. I don't want to talk to you" But he stopped. Asked me why I didn't send the email. I told him exactly what I told you guys I would do. I told him I couldn't find it. Then he takes out his card and gives it to me. Really? Up to this point I still haven't sent that email. I am will but just too busy to even think right now.

I even lost track of what I wanted to write about. I am sooooo fucking horny right now. AWWWW!! I can't carry on like this. I am like 2 seconds away from humping the bed. lol. My God!! I don't know if anybody as ever felt like this. You are so horny that you think you are going to lose your freakin mind. Why am I so damn horny? This can't be normal. If a boy walked into my room right now I feel like I would fucking rape him (OK Maybe that's a bit too much). I am at the brink. I am even considering posting an Ad on Craigslist or repsond to one. lol. The fact of the matter is that, not every guy does it for me and it makes it really hard to find the ones I want. OK so I might be a little shallow. I don't care. If you can get me hard that's good enough.

Anyway, I have to get back to my work. Assignments due tomorrow, wednesday, thursday and exam next week and Lab rotation and classes and seminars and meetings, research papers to read....etc AHHHH!!!!

A good fuck would've definitely put my mind at rest. :D

Skunk

It's pretty late here and I have to get up early in the morning to go to school so I won't write long. I just wanted to blog about this little thing that happened earlier tonight

So i was in the living room watching the MTV VMAs (Yes I would love to talk about the Kanye, Taylor and Beyonce Drama but don't have the time. However it was nice of Beyonce in the end to do that for Taylor. I actually saw it coming, so I was very excited when it happened. Swear) Anyway, so i was in the living room and I smelt something awful. It smelt as though something was burning. It smelt like a fire burning through something plastic or something melting. I had just finished cooking so I thought I might have left the stove on. I rushed to the kitchen but there was nothing burning. I had left my lights and computer on upstairs so I rushed upstairs to check that everything was ok. We had some electrial problems recently so you never know. But upstairs was fine. Being satisfied that nothing was on fire I went and sat in the living room again but the smell was killing me. My eyes were starting to water and my nose had started to burn. Considering that nothing in the house was burning my next logical thought was that the community was spraying gas for mosquitos (In Jamaica they do that alot to reduce the risk of Malaria). I then said to myself, "I wonder if Americans know that spraying these chemicals are dangerous to their health?" The scent was so bad I really thought it was poisonous gas meant to kill insects. I swear that thing was irritating.

My roommate then comes into the house a few seconds after and says. You smell that? I said yeah. He then says it's a skunk. I was shocked? That was what a skunk spray smelt like? Thank God I learnt how bad it smells before I accidentally ran into one. At first I thought my roommate got sprayed but apparently not. It would have been so funny if he was. lol. I was so excited. I have always always wanted to know what a skunk spray smells like. Now I do. However the excitement didn't last long. This damn smell will just not leave the house. My eyes are burning, my lungs are dying and it freakin' hurts to breathe. I want to sleep and the whole house smells like skunk. This scent just lingers. Why doesn't it leave? Awwwwww

It's actually quite hilarious though. I seriously thought the house was on fire at one point. lol

This is definitely one experience I am not going to forget. Everything I ever heard about skunk is true.

I guess I should also write about the two gay guys I meet yesterday but I really don't have the time right now. We exchanged emails and numbers. One of them is actually very cute. Oh the possibilities. :D Not to mention the two hunks in my Bio class. One came over and talked to me on Friday. I will definitely be seeing alot more of him. Why? He's in my department. And I also ran into him at the gym on Saturday and had a nice little chat. OH HAPPY DAY!! I honestly wanted to jump is sexy man bones right there. I have a MEGA crush on him already. My God he's so FINNE. I should stop because I know he's straight and I am going to feel terrible when his girlfriend appears (I actually don't know if he has one). But come on, he is really hot. Of course he must have one. On friday I couldn't even stop myself from staring at his pecs every minute. They were right in my face and they looked so good. I hate torturing myself like this. I NEED TO STOP LUSTING AFTER GUYS I CAN'T HAVE. STOP!!!!

Life Unmoved

Everytime my blog experiences a hiatus I always feel the need to apologize to my readers. It's a strange feeling to have. Anyway, for those of you that might be interested in what's going on in my life then I am afraid you aren't going to enjoy this post. The Reason? My life is pretty stagnant at the moment. :( Therefore if you feel the need to go and do something more fun, I wouldn't blame you. I often experience emotional rollercoasters. So one minute I am on top of the world and the next minute I am feeling like a bag of shit. Right now I feeling like a bag of shit. So if you don't want to hear me whine about my life again then I suggest you run along.

For those of you still here. Lets Go!!

First on my list to talk about is the fact that I got a new phone. I love it so much. I was broke when I bought it but I decided that despite this minor annoyance I was going to get a decent phone for once in my life. It is a LG enV3 Slate Blue. This phone does so much. I don't even think I am even going to use all the phones' features anyway. The thing I love the most about it is the camera. The pictures are out of this world good, by my standards. Now that I have a phone number I am having second thoughts about giving it to the girl that wanted me to be her boyfriend and the police guy I met shortly before I left Jamaica. I don't know if I should give it to either. Determining whether I should is alot more complicated than it appears. I think the police guy should definitely get it but not too sure about the girl. It might give her the wrong idea. Also the fact that she has somewhat of a relationship with my mother makes it even more difficult to withhold it. DAMN DAMN DAMN!! I am not even going to stress over it.

Also I finally went to a real gym. I have always wanted to go to one. Now I have! It is, for a lack of a better word....AWESOME. Honestly I would love to go everyday but I don't have that kind of time. The first day I went it was only to get a feel of the place and learn how some of the machines worked. I really wish I had someone to walk me through it and show me the ropes but I guess observation will have to do for now. The second day I went to the gym I really got into the workout. I hit almost all of the weight machines and spent like 10 mins on each of the cardio machines. There are alot of machines there if you were wondering.....Three very big rooms filled with workout machines. After the workout I felt so pumped that I went jogging across campus. Yup, it was pretty insane. The next day I woke up I literally couldn't move. My arms were locked in a V position. Extending them outwards was like someone ripping skin from flesh. My legs burned like the shit. But despite the shit ass pain I was glad I got a good workout. Might I also add that there were a lot of hot guys walking around too. Unfortunately I never seemed to connect with any of them which really bummed me out. I couldn't even tell if any of these guys were gay. It was that bad. You guys can't even comprehend how badly I want some dick. I feel like I am losing my freaking mind. And all these sexy ass hotties walking around campus do not help the fucking situation. I am on the brink of doing something cazy, if nothing happens soon.

It's like hottie central here and I can't even get a little nookie. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! What the hell do I need to do to get some attention? Walk around naked or swing my cock out in public? Because subtlety is not working out. lol

While I am on the topic of guys I must also add that I met another Jamaican guy here during orientation. I purposely didn't mention him. I don't know why I did that. Perhaps because I thought he had nothing of interest to offer my blog. He too was also very good looking by my standards but despite coming from the same country we didn't have that much in common. That's until I did a little investigating. It turns out he has been living here for a few years AND is also GAY. This little occurance reminds of something someone said to me recently (well actually two ppl said it to me...you guys know yourselves). They said most caribbean people studying abroad are gay and I think I am beginning to think they were right; afterall they have been doing this longer than I have. He didn't strike me as gay but he dressed really well. And this guy is pretty open with his sexuality too. God, I envy people who can do that freely and not feel weird about it. Perhaps one day I'll achieve the same thing.

I also met another Jamaica guy here. Yes, Jamaicans are everywhere. Infact I know four Jamaicans here already. The other two are girls and I know for a fact that there are other Jamaicans living close by as well. However I have not met the others as yet. Anyway, I was on my way to class and I saw this very peculiar looking man walking out of the building I was heading to. He stood out like a sore thumb. He was an older gentleman, wearing a jacket and a felt hat with a breifcase in hand and a huge grin on his face. He was a bit on the short side and obviously had the characteristics and behaviour of someone I would have classified as being gay. As I was walking pass him be turns and says, "What is your name?" This was really strange behaviour. No one had done this thus far since I have been here. But out of the blue he strikes up a conversation with someone he doesn't even know, who is rushing pass him to get to class? Despite the oddness of it all, I told him my name. He then asked me where I was from? So I told him I was from Jamaica. He then said "I am the guy you were talking to earlier this year" I was like "Oh really? What a coincidence running into you like this on the sidewalk" He didn't look at all like I imagined. [Flashback: My advisor gave me the email of this Jamaica guy he knew who worked in the building teaching students part time, so I decided to send him an email asking him how he found living in the area etc. He responded, I thanked him and that was it. Nothing more nothing less] Long story short he told me to send him another email, so that we can set a date to have lunch. Did I tell him I wanted to have lunch with him? No. He's not even my type. I have yet to send that email and I doubt I will. If I see him again I will tell him I lost it. And if I do respond, I have no intention of having lunch with him. He gives me the creeps.

Last night I also went to this party I mentioned a few weeks ago. I really forgot all about it until someone called me last night and asked if I was ready. I really wasn't feeling up to the party mood but I decided to go anyway. And I am glad I did. It has been the best party I have been to thus far. I didn't meet a guy if that's what you are wondering. It appears that I am failing miserably in that department. Hope it's not a repeat of Jamaica. Anyway the party was indeed off the hook. I left that party soaked in sweat. My shirt, my pants and my underwear were all wet. Even my signature on my student ID, which I had in my pocket, got wiped clean from all the sweat I generated. That party was so much fun and the food was good for once. Might I also add that since I have been here I have put on 20 lbs (9 kg). Loving it. I'll soon be at my ideal weight. My friends here know mw for two things now 1. Eating and 2. Working out. While at the party these two white freshmen girls came over and started dancing with me. I guess they didn't see the other two girls I came with. lol. These freshers were pretty smoking too. If I were straight I would have definitely tried and hit one of them last night or to make it even more interesting the both of them. Always wanted to do a threesome. I wished it were two guys though. lol. I need some quality dick NOW!!!!

Whoever gets my virginity better be prepared for an all nighter. Working off all this built up sexual suppression is going to take a while. At this point I am more into attraction (aka looks) than finding a complete package. I don't really care if we even acknowledge each other afterwards. All I want is the fucking anyway. As long as he looks amazing naked I'll be happy. Hope I get my wish...SOOON!!!! Honestly I'm losing my freaking mind here. Can you imagine having all the candy you ever wanted sitting right infront of you and not being able to even take a small bite? Well if you can then you will know exactly what I am dealing with.