Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ideas of Grandeur

Before I got here I had this belief that I would find a boyfriend right off the bat or at least have some form of connection with a guy I was attracted to. HA HA HA. Yeah, that was pretty stupid!!

If I could tell you exactly where I was going to school then I think you would understand why this would be hard or even next to impossible to accomplish. The boys here are what I would call "Predominantly white". And do you know what "Predominantly White" boys like? Yes you guessed it...other "Predominantly White" boys. Now, I am not in the "Predominantly white" category (because I'm black) so that leaves me with very slim pickings.

Honestly, I don't know how to work this gay thing and realistically I am getting pretty tired of trying (I have said this more than once throughout my blog but yet I still persist. Why?). Having a gay mentor would be so great!! The only consolation I have is that I don't feel like I am being judged as much now as I was back in Jamaica. I can be more of myself here and not have to be watching my back all the time. Infact I think, I might have become a little bit more gayer.

Basically what I am saying is that I don't think there is any hope for me. I am going to die a lonely virgin. And no I don't believe in paying for sex or hooking up with random people online, despite what I say on my blog. Or doing anythiny with someone I am not attracted to. This might be my down fall but so be it. I might talk crazy but I will never act crazy. My online persona is somewhat a polar opposite of who I actually am or better yet a reflection of who I would like to be. In real life I tend to be a bit more reserved and not as aggressive. It has always been one of my dreams to have something develop naturally, but hey I guess that's never going to happen. I am freakin' 23 and counting and never been kissed. Come on, Who else does that happen to? Only the freaks and rejects right? The earlier I accept that the happier I think my life will be. "No expectations, No disappointments" has been my motto for years and everytime I break it I always get burnt. So I guess i should stick with it more often.

After a few days in a new place I can often tell what my experience will be like. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't look all that bright here. As, I said before the consolation prize might be the fact that I can be more of me and not just an image of what I think society wants me to be.

I might act happy and cheerful most of the time but in actuality I am really not. I am very dissatisfied with my life and it makes me even more mad when I have to work so hard to make it better but it never seems to change. Perhaps it's your outlook on life that makes it different? I don't know. So if you haven't guessed by now, "I am in one of my moods". Maybe it's all the work and stress I am under...not. This seems to be happening too frequently not to be something more deep rooted. :(

I think I have suffered long enough so why can't I have some peace too? I know talking about it isn't going to change anything but it definitely makes me feel better, which is why I have my blog :)

Anyway, I am going to get back to my stupid work and my stupid life.


  1. Your blog does not give your location...the only thing I gather is you are from Jamaica.

  2. Gay Nairobi man: and that's exactly how I like it. lol. Closet freaks tend to be Paranoid all the time. lol

    p.s need to update my description though.