HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It's the Holiday season and I am feeling a tiny bit shitty. My first Thanksgiving and I am spending it at home by myself. It is weird, but I shouldn't feel this way. I have never celebrated Thanksgiving in my life so why do I feel weird? Most of my friends have gone home to spend time with their families, including my roommate. It feels all very lonely. Yesterday, the entire school felt like a Ghost town because most of the students had already left for home on the weekend despite the fact that holiday break wasn't given officially until yesterday. There were so many students hopping on the buses yesterday to the Airport it was insane. The bus stops were lined with undergrads going home. And if they weren't at the bus stop they were being picked up by their parents. I must admit, I felt a little jealous and saddened to see everyone go, especially knowing my father lives in New York and couldn't even extend an invitation to me. And he wonders why we don't have a close relationship.

To make matters worst, I was hoping to get a bit of gym time in this week while the mass majority of people were gone. Only to find out yesterday that the gym would be closed for the entire holiday break. WHAT?!! I couldn't believe my eyes. It SUCKS!! The gym is entirely student run so I understand why they needed to close it, but come on. What about us that remain? Aren't we entitled to use it too even if everybody else has left?

My day was however brightened a bit when I saw a hot guy's cock. We were the only ones in the locker room. I didn't even know anybody else was in there. I went into the bathroom, he came in the bathroom (in a towel). I left the bathroom, he left the bathroom. He went into the shower and I went back to the bathroom. When I was coming back towards the lockers he was standing in such a way that his entire frontal region was right in your face. I don't know if it was intentional but I saw EVERYTHING and it was very nice. The water cascading down is hot body was so amazing. If he had even slightly motioned to me to join him I would have. But he didn't.... so I left. :(That sexy image is still burned into my brain.

On a more light hearted note, I got my Driver's permit today. World watch out, I am back on the road bitches. Not really, I still need a car to do that. I am happy though because I was really stressing out about the exam. Thankfully it was easy. Life is so weird. I have often watched TV shows of Americans going to the DMV, partying, playing beer pong, hooking up, protesting etc and I thought I will never experience that. So wrong, with each day I spend in the US it all comes. I love it.

Anyway, have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Make more of it than I am.

Overreacted?

So I might have over-reacted a bit last night, with good reason. I don't know. The more and more I live my life, the more and more I realize that it's never going to change. God I wish I had a Gay Mentor who could guide me through all this crap.

Last night in my fit of rage I forgot to mention that the party wasn't all that bad. Now that I am more calm I think I would attend another one if they had it. Before the madness starts. Drugs are things I am strongly against. Try to make me use them and you and I are not going to be friends. What you want to do with your body is your business. Don't pull me into it. Anyway, that's why you should never say or make rash decisions when you are angry. You always regret them. I left on good terms with everyone and that was a plus. The party was organized by a lesbian and so a lot of gay guys and lesbians were there. Yeah...don't ask me why I never made out with anyone ok? Nobody seemed interested in me or they had their partners there. Hmmmmm...whatever. From what I have heard, she throws wild parties....[no shit....I saw it first hand. They are beyond wild.] There were some good moments though. For one Emily was there. She was great as usual but big surprise, she brought her boyfriend. :( Bummer. For someone at her standard I was a little startled by the looks of her boyfriend. Not what you would expect. The fact that she didn't have physical hang ups made me like her even more. In fact the guy I was crushing on at the party, (the one who said he was going to try the cocaine) also liked her too. I over heard him saying to his friend, "What is she doing with him?" In my mind I was asking myself the same question. I am well aware this is pretty judgmental but for a girl like Emily, you would understand if you saw them together. Huge gap.

On his Facebook the cute guy says he is straight. Hmmmm...idk. He is really hot though and came with his best friends, who I know for sure is a closet gay. There is no doubt in my mind. They could be dating secretly, I don't know. It however gives me hope that he might also be gay. We were smiling back and forth with each other the entire night before me finally decided to talk to each other. The cute guy and I were talking a lot, which I loved. Even to the point where the best friend was trying to get his attention or make a comment in our conversation but was constantly being cut off by the cute guy. (Loved it). When it was time for him to leave we exchanged names again and would you believe it... he actually wrote my name down in his phone. I don't know if he did that for anybody else but it felt good. I had hoped he would have gone a step further and asked me for my number. Oh well. That would have made my night.

Not everybody was doing "stuff" I didn't approve of though. However I am happy to report that Emily and those persons I seemed to have spoken to pretty well during the party left before the madness started.

The American culture is sucking me in too quickly. Can you imagine they wanted me to play beer pong. ME! BEER PONG! My system was in shock from the 3 beers plus I had previously. It would have been suicide to do beer pong. I had to stand firm and say "Seriously people. It would be too much" What is getting me worried is that, I even drank these beers without trouble, plus straight vodka (that got a huge laugh from everybody. Apparently no one drinks Vodka straight unless they want to be wasted in a few minutes. I don't drink, so I didn't know you should mix it with something else first). Plus I also drank a bunch of other alcoholic shit without trouble. When did I start drinking so heavily. This is not me. My mom would die if she knew that I was doing.

Party Gone Wrong

OK, so it's after 4 am right now and I have just returned from a party that went horribly, horribly wrong. I am extremely tired right now but I thought this was something that could not wait until morning, (it's practically light soon anyway).

A friend and I decided to go to a party we were invited to earlier last week. He was not sure he wanted to go anymore but he called me a hour before it was slated to start, which was at 8 and said he changed his mind. I told him I was sleeping and tired but I would go with him. I really wish I had stayed in bed and didn't go. (I don't even know if I have the strength to write about this now.)

Initially we decided that we were not going to stay long. The last bus leaving downtown to where we lived was about midnight so I didn't carry any cash on me or anything because I didn't think I would need it. Students travel free. I did however bring my credit card. It wasn't of any use though.

The long and short of it was that there was huge, huge, HUGE major drug usage at that party. Almost every fucking person in there was using fucking drugs. MY GOD!! Everybody warned me that this college was known for it's drug usage but I thought that was just an unsubstantiated joke. I never thought that I would be ever placed in a position where I would have to deal with hardcore drugs. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG!! I am so pissed at myself. At the beginning of the party everybody was drinking alcohol, which is pretty standard. I drank alot more than I should but people were getting freakin wasted early. I mean really wasted. Vomiting everywhere and shit. It was a mess. As the night progressed everyone there realized that I wasn't really one of them. And that's when they began to ostracize me. Even my fucking friend was ignoring me. If I went towards a group of people talking everybody would like immediately disperse and leave me there all myself. Nobody really came over and spoke to me even if I was standing there all by myself. Initially I thought that it was because I wasn't social enough. I really wanted to go home but slowly almost every fucking person in the party was loosing their god damn minds. I really didn't understand why but all I knew was that I REALLY WANTED to go. I didn't have any cash and the last bus home had left hours ago so I was stranded there at the mercy of my so called friend. I thought it was the alcohol at first but then I started talking to this really hot guy in the living room and he started mentioning all these drugs, cocaine, K (whatever that was) and a bunch of other shit that he was going to try. I was like what? Are you serious. He was out of his fucking mind already too. It was obvious he was doing drugs with everybody else. I didn't see them doing it but I know they were. Then a group of them were outside talking and then all of a sudden I see all of them staring at me. It was like they were talking about me and laughing. Then those that could not see me from outside came to the door and looked, laughed and then I knew that they were definitely talking about me. I was really hurt because "my friend" who was also outside with them and he was laughing too. All of them were laughing, talking and staring at me. I know they were like bashing me or whatever. I lost all respect for them at that moment. People I have class with and I spoke to were outside bashing me. I KNOW IT!!

When they all came in they all started treated me weird and NO ONE made eye contact with me. Yeah, whatever they were saying outside it must have been pretty nasty since none of them could look me in the eye. "MY friend" didn't even look at me either. I was like ok. At that point I really wanted to leave. I couldn't so I went outside to sit down by myself because I couldn't be around them anymore. I just sat in the cold by myself. When I came back inside all of them had gone upstairs. My friend however was still downstairs. He didn't look so good so I asked him if he was ok. He then like went off on me as if I had said something bad to him. He like cursed me off literally. They way he acted you would have sworn I killed his mother or something. It was so hurtful. I asked him if he was ready and he like said, "What the fuck is wrong with you. NOO!!!" I realized that he was doing the drugs like everybody else so I didn't get upset. Also I knew there were alot of people having sex upstairs too. So they were all doing drugs and having sex. THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST EXPERIENCE FOR ME HERE. People I have class with who should know better were doing it too. But what hurts the most is how everybody treated me. And it was alot of people. It really wasn't a small group at all.

To make matters worst is that while I was in the living room sitting down all by myself these two guys from another college came over and said to me, "We heard they were doing drugs here blah blah blah" I could see that they had been doing some shit too. They were out of their minds. They were coming from another party down the street according to them and got kicked out. This could not have gotten any fucking worst.

Everybody there was also smoking weed from early too. Finally after some persistence I told my friend we need to go. He wanted to crash at the house until morning but I told him he need to get home. I took his cash from him and called the cab to pick us up. He took so much shit that when he got out of the taxi the first thing he did was vomit right at the door. It was terrible. I wanted to make sure he got home ok so I walked him to his apartment, which was a distance off. He tried to apologize for his behaviour but honestly I didn't care. When he was in front of his friends he treated me like shit and now he tries to apologize. Anyway, when I saw that he got in ok, I walked back to my apartment in the dark, in the cold all by myself.


NEVER FUCKING AGAIN!! I can't believe they treated me like that. If I knew it was a drugs and sex party I would never have gone. I can't look these people in the face on Monday morning and still respect them. There is so much more that happened but I am not even going to write about it. It's almost 5 freakin am now.

Lunch with Emily

It's a Friday night and I just came back from a Movie and a Dinner with friends. My head is killing me, i feel sick and I have the hiccups so lets see if I can get through this painlessly.

My day started off typically. Getting up, competing with my roommate for the bathroom, eating breakfast then spending half an hour trying to decide what to wear. So yesterday, I went shopping at Kohl's for a winter jacket (yes I have a lot now) but as usual, ended up buying a tonne more stuff than I initially intended. When I see clothes that I love it's hard for me to pass it up. One of the items I bought was a plaid shirt which was purple, black and grey. It's Amazing. I also saw a great pair of gloves on sale. I just had to grab it even though I wasn't shopping for gloves. However when I got home I realized that the gloves were nowhere to be found. I checked my bill and thankfully they were not cashed. So this morning I decided that I was going back to Kohl's immediately after class to get it, since only 2 were left yesterday. Suffice, to say I got the last one on the rack. YEAHH!! Sadly, I ended up buying more clothes again. Didn't I buy enough yesterday? And I still have Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, Pac Sun etc to buy stuff from. Yup I love to shop. Of the items I bought, I have to say my favourite is the Washed blue jeans. I was hesitant to buy it because of the price but now, I don't regret the purchase. They look great on my ass. Infact I think it's going to be my favourite pair of jeans from now on. Surprisingly, I must have missed the tag on the inside of the jeans, it read "Low Cut Booty Jeans for Young Men". I cracked up when I saw it. If I had seen the tag before, I would never have bought it, but thankfully I didn't. I love it. My ass is like, WOW. LOL. Perhaps these are the clothes I should me buying. It's not a girly jeans for the record. I also really need some good pair of shoes to go with all these clothes I am buying. What's a good outfit without proper shoes? Anyway, my winter wardrobe is coming along well. If there is anything gay about me, it's this.

Anyway, I spent a little longer (Lie....much longer) than expected at Kohl's so I had to rush back to school to get my experiments off the ground. However I was feeling hungry so I went to the Cafeteria to grab some food first. I really had alot to do so I decided to take my food to go. This almost never happens since I love to sit in the dining area and look at the hot guys walk by. I left the Cafeteria but realized that I had no fork. Went back for the fork but changed my mind mid second. So I decided to stay and eat. When I sat down at my table, I looked up and who was that waving to me? EMILY!! I looked to see if anybody was sitting with her. No one was. This must have been my lucky day. I took my food up, walked over and asked her if I could join her. She said yes.

We started talking and shortly afterwards, who comes up beside me? The Jamaican guy that has be constantly bothering me to have lunch with him. He said, "I saw you from outside and decided to come in. Creepy. He then says, "Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?" I told him no. He then says, "You have to come over to my house then. I usually invite friends over for a feast". I was getting tired of him, asking me out for food so I told him that I would come. I hope he doesn't try any funny busy while I am in his house. He gives me the creeps and people rarely give me that sensation. Doesn't he see I don't want to have lunch or anything with him? Anyway he left.

So while I was getting to know Emily better, I see her divert her eyes away from me and then once again immediately after that. Instantly I knew this couldn't be good. She must have seen someone who was more interesting that I was or I was boring her. I turn around to see who it was and was surprised to find out it was five "someones". Her little Boyfriend Squad was walking over to ruin my little party. At this point I must mention that Emily is white and blond. She is gorgeous. And the nuisances walking towards us were all white too. Awkward. Surrounded by all these white people. These little fuckers just kept chatting her up while I sat there. In my head I was saying, "Leave Assholes. This is my time. You see her in class all the fucking time. Talk to her then!!!" To make matters worst they then sat down with their lunches.What the hell were they doing? God, they didn't plan on leaving.

After about 20 minutes I got tired of waiting on them to leave so I decided I would. I had an experiment to run in 5 minutes anyway so it wasn't like I was chickening out of a challenge. I told Emily I had to run and politely nodded to the little fuckers who came and destroyed my one on one with her. I was so pissed.

Later that day, in a completely unrelated story, I was on the Bus going home and saw a guy I speak to on and off on occasion. He is what you would call the Grad. Student RA for the complex I live in. As such I run into him more often than not. He is my age too and his behavior sometimes often strikes me as weird because that's not something someone of our age and maturity do. I was not really in the mood to sit an chat because I had just come from the gym and I was tired. All I wanted to do was sit back, relax and listen to my music. However the best seat left was in the back of the bus near to him. NOO!! I went and sat there anyway and acknowledged him in the process. 45 seconds later he gets up from his seat, which I might add is on the other side of the bus, and sits down right beside me. He then says, "Who are you dating? Somebody told me you are dating someone". Honestly his question threw me for a loop. It was a bit surprisingly for him to ask me such a question unprovoked. I was like, "Ahhhhhh...what? He then says again, "Are you dating anybody?" To which I responded, "I am not dating anybody. Whoever told you that is lying." He then smiles and says, "That's Good". I was a little shocked that, that was his reply. But with these Americans I don't know. I've learnt that it doesn't mean he's gay. Honestly I don't think he is gay. He's just weird. He laughs at everything I say, literally...it's kind of annoying. My instincts are usually correct with these things as I said before. He's just weird. He then says, "Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving? I am having something in my Apartment" Oh My God, not another person trying to get me to go to Thanksgiving again. (I have had a lot more invites than the two I mentioned here). I told him I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving and furthermore, I might be going to someone else's house....(aka the Creepy Old Jamaican Guy). "Too bad. It would have been nice having you there" he says. Sorry I replied. Can't be in two places at once. Anyway, as I said before we live in the same building so we chit-chatted until we got to his apartment...I had to pass it on the way to mine unfortunately. I sound rude and insensitive here I know. I was just tired and cranky that I didn't get to relax for a few minute on the bus.

Alot of you might, say this might be the reason I am single but I just can't go into a relationship or at least try to build one with some I am not attracted to. It's just too much work. Why can't it ever be the other way around, where I am attracted to the person? AWWWW!!!

This is all speculation though. I have no concrete evidence that either of these guys are gay. But overall it was a pretty good day.

Bedtime!!

Going Straight

"I know this picture looks like it's a little girl but I couldn't help but put it up. Doesn't she look Adorable?"

For the first time in a really long time I am free from school work so I am just going to write a light-hearted post tonight. Well as light hearted as I can get anyway. I have refrained from mentioning the loads of stress I have been under recently because I think you guys have endured enough of my rants and babbles about drowning in school work.

So, as the titles says, I am giving up on guys. It's time to go straight! Girls are known to be complicated, that's a given, but whoever said guys weren't? Guilty parties, you need a wake up call. They are just as bad, especially the gay ones. I can't find a man so I guess it's time to find a woman. I can't waiting around for one to drop into my lap anymore.

To be honest, I think I might be somewhat of a Bisexual. Don't quote me on it because this might just be a phase. But recently, I have been really attracted to this girl. "Ewwwww Gross!" lol. I have been attracted to girls before but not that much that I would classify myself as being straight or Bi. I wanted to remain true to the gay aspect of my blog, since afterall it is a gay blog not a straight one, but this is something I could not ignore. From the first day she spoke to me I was like, "You are Fucking Hot". After the first conversation I had with her I was left with a huge grin on my face that lasted for hours. I was happy I guess. Since then everytime I have seen her I think about having sex with her. This is so confusing. Why won't my dick make up it's freakin' mind? I don't really believe I am straight and I don't really believe I am Bi either. I think this might just be a stage of curiosity.

This girl is like utterly amazing. She looks like a God-damn supermodel. At one point I was tempted to ask her if anybody has ever told her how beautiful she is. However I resisted the urge. Stuff I normally do to get the attention of boys I do with her. Yeah, I know!! Weird. Like bump into them accidentally or go somewhere you know you will meet/see them or better yet where they will see you. Even though we are in labs on the same floor, I hardly get to see her. So anytime I do run into her it's always a treat. I often keep my eyes and ears open just in case I hear her walking pass my lab. If I do I usually like casually walk outside just in time to intercept her in the hallway, "Oh Hi Emily....." then behave as if I didn't know she was out there...lol. It's so weird. Gay guys don't do that. I would really like to fuck her though. Just to see what it's like.

I think all of this is stemming for sex starvation. I want to do it so badly that I am about ready to get it from anywhere, even if that means a girl. Sometimes I have fantasies of ramming my dick into her vagina so hard that it makes she screams. (I feel so dirty writing that) lol. Perhaps it's due to all the straight porn I have been watching recently. It sounds nasty but it's not at all bad. Actually it's pretty exciting. It works just as well for me as the gay stuff.

Guys Shape up!! You don't want all this goodness to start getting with girls do you? LOL LOL. Just to keep me holding on a little longer here are some fine ass guys, I found that reminded me of what being attracted to men usually feels like.

Update on People Anxiety

So yesterday I spoke about how I think I was consciously sabotaging my relationships with current friends as well as with potential new ones. Well today it was evident that I am doing just that.

One of the guys I wrote yesterday, the one I begged to write me back if he was reading, did. In the email he said, "Sorry to have Bothered you". I read his email and shaked my head in dismay. I did it again. [Sigh]

I then wrote him back, explaining that it was never my intention to give him the impression that I was turning a cold shoulder. To which he responded, "I understand". I then said " I really hope you do. Don't be a stranger you seem to be a nice guy". It then took a turn for the worst, in which he basically thrown my kindness, or at least what I thought was kindness, back into my face....."If you can't make time for me then why should I make time for you. Just being real", he says. It sounded reasonable enough but the tone was all wrong. I have too much going on in my life to be concerned with the "drama" of a faceless individual. That friendship is pretty much dead in the water now for all I care.

Interacting with people you meet online can be so tricky. I never have any idea what they expect. And if it means I have to leave my comfort zone to let it work or you can't wait until I can leave my comfort zone then it's not going to happen between you and I. It's unfortunate yes, because many of these people "seem" nice but until I can trust you. You aren't getting shit from me.

Oh well relationship are not for everybody.

People Anxiety

I don't know if anybody else suffers from this but I have huge people anxiety. I honestly think it's going to destroy my life if I don't find a way to correct it, or at least try to overcome it. Anytime, something in my life begins to move into a new stage or starts becoming better, I find some way to destroy it or hinder it. I don't know why I do it. I just do. I just can't bring myself to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

A few weeks ago a very nice guy wrote me a sweet email, not sure if I mentioned it before, complimenting me etc and he seemed pretty ok. And I turned around and basically, in not so many words, told him to take a hike, I am not interested. Albeit he never wrote back. What the hell is wrong with me? Tonight too I went to a huge party on campus and there was this other sweet guy that always flirts with me, I mentioned him before too. I talked about him in that post where I went to his house and got drunk. He flirts with me all the time and he is so nice. He is also gay and I know he is interested in me but I can't bring myself to take it to the next stage. I just can't. Tonight again, another guy wrote me an email, telling me that he wants to get to know me better. And I wrote a not so very encouraging email back....(CRYING)...telling him why I can't do what he asks but still not concrete enough to justify not doing it. If I really cared I would say, "Screw this. Of course I'll do it". (If you are reading this please write me back. I was completely honest)

To make matters worst. I just wrote an email to one of my friends, telling him I couldn't do something because of this very problem. He is actually the one that prompted this post. I feel horrible for doing it but I can't understand why I can't do it. It's not even that hard for God sake. Only a few minutes of my so called "busy time". He is definitely going to think I am blowing him off because I don't want to talk to him. :( Not so at all.

I think all the problems I encounter and all the dissatisfaction I feel with my life is caused by me and not those around me. I swear, I just have this affinity to self-sabotage anything that goes good.

[I know many of you are annoyed with how vague I am many of the times. I AGREE!!! It's not the best way to run a blog but I guess it should be expected from a Closet Gay Blog right? I honestly can't divulge many of the details about my life here because I usually express my true feelings about a situation and I don't think I could handle the World Wind of Hell that would result if someone I knew found out about what happens in my life or how I really feel about them. Basically, this Blog is an open book to my head so I have to monitor what I say and how I say it. Which is becoming increasingly difficult to execute the more people I meet through my blog. ]