Saturday, November 7, 2009

People Anxiety

I don't know if anybody else suffers from this but I have huge people anxiety. I honestly think it's going to destroy my life if I don't find a way to correct it, or at least try to overcome it. Anytime, something in my life begins to move into a new stage or starts becoming better, I find some way to destroy it or hinder it. I don't know why I do it. I just do. I just can't bring myself to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

A few weeks ago a very nice guy wrote me a sweet email, not sure if I mentioned it before, complimenting me etc and he seemed pretty ok. And I turned around and basically, in not so many words, told him to take a hike, I am not interested. Albeit he never wrote back. What the hell is wrong with me? Tonight too I went to a huge party on campus and there was this other sweet guy that always flirts with me, I mentioned him before too. I talked about him in that post where I went to his house and got drunk. He flirts with me all the time and he is so nice. He is also gay and I know he is interested in me but I can't bring myself to take it to the next stage. I just can't. Tonight again, another guy wrote me an email, telling me that he wants to get to know me better. And I wrote a not so very encouraging email back....(CRYING)...telling him why I can't do what he asks but still not concrete enough to justify not doing it. If I really cared I would say, "Screw this. Of course I'll do it". (If you are reading this please write me back. I was completely honest)

To make matters worst. I just wrote an email to one of my friends, telling him I couldn't do something because of this very problem. He is actually the one that prompted this post. I feel horrible for doing it but I can't understand why I can't do it. It's not even that hard for God sake. Only a few minutes of my so called "busy time". He is definitely going to think I am blowing him off because I don't want to talk to him. :( Not so at all.

I think all the problems I encounter and all the dissatisfaction I feel with my life is caused by me and not those around me. I swear, I just have this affinity to self-sabotage anything that goes good.

[I know many of you are annoyed with how vague I am many of the times. I AGREE!!! It's not the best way to run a blog but I guess it should be expected from a Closet Gay Blog right? I honestly can't divulge many of the details about my life here because I usually express my true feelings about a situation and I don't think I could handle the World Wind of Hell that would result if someone I knew found out about what happens in my life or how I really feel about them. Basically, this Blog is an open book to my head so I have to monitor what I say and how I say it. Which is becoming increasingly difficult to execute the more people I meet through my blog. ]


  1. You must not allow yourself to sabotage your potential relationships. These guys as you outlined really seemed interested in you.
    I wonder if it's your expectations are too high or is it that you're scared?

  2. I think it might be a combination of both and no, not all of them are interested. :) I think I am waiting something that's never going to happen.

  3. The vagueness makes us your readers not have the 'complete' story and so its difficult to follow.

    The way I read this, you are pushing people who obviously care about you away. I am not sure why you do that and what you are waiting for.

    Give people a chance..if they let you down, dust yourself off and try again