I don't know if anybody else suffers from this but I have huge people anxiety. I honestly think it's going to destroy my life if I don't find a way to correct it, or at least try to overcome it. Anytime, something in my life begins to move into a new stage or starts becoming better, I find some way to destroy it or hinder it. I don't know why I do it. I just do. I just can't bring myself to do whatever it is that needs to be done.
A few weeks ago a very nice guy wrote me a sweet email, not sure if I mentioned it before, complimenting me etc and he seemed pretty ok. And I turned around and basically, in not so many words, told him to take a hike, I am not interested. Albeit he never wrote back. What the hell is wrong with me? Tonight too I went to a huge party on campus and there was this other sweet guy that always flirts with me, I mentioned him before too. I talked about him in that post where I went to his house and got drunk. He flirts with me all the time and he is so nice. He is also gay and I know he is interested in me but I can't bring myself to take it to the next stage. I just can't. Tonight again, another guy wrote me an email, telling me that he wants to get to know me better. And I wrote a not so very encouraging email back....(CRYING)...telling him why I can't do what he asks but still not concrete enough to justify not doing it. If I really cared I would say, "Screw this. Of course I'll do it". (If you are reading this please write me back. I was completely honest)
To make matters worst. I just wrote an email to one of my friends, telling him I couldn't do something because of this very problem. He is actually the one that prompted this post. I feel horrible for doing it but I can't understand why I can't do it. It's not even that hard for God sake. Only a few minutes of my so called "busy time". He is definitely going to think I am blowing him off because I don't want to talk to him. :( Not so at all.
I think all the problems I encounter and all the dissatisfaction I feel with my life is caused by me and not those around me. I swear, I just have this affinity to self-sabotage anything that goes good.
[I know many of you are annoyed with how vague I am many of the times. I AGREE!!! It's not the best way to run a blog but I guess it should be expected from a Closet Gay Blog right? I honestly can't divulge many of the details about my life here because I usually express my true feelings about a situation and I don't think I could handle the World Wind of Hell that would result if someone I knew found out about what happens in my life or how I really feel about them. Basically, this Blog is an open book to my head so I have to monitor what I say and how I say it. Which is becoming increasingly difficult to execute the more people I meet through my blog. ]
A few weeks ago a very nice guy wrote me a sweet email, not sure if I mentioned it before, complimenting me etc and he seemed pretty ok. And I turned around and basically, in not so many words, told him to take a hike, I am not interested. Albeit he never wrote back. What the hell is wrong with me? Tonight too I went to a huge party on campus and there was this other sweet guy that always flirts with me, I mentioned him before too. I talked about him in that post where I went to his house and got drunk. He flirts with me all the time and he is so nice. He is also gay and I know he is interested in me but I can't bring myself to take it to the next stage. I just can't. Tonight again, another guy wrote me an email, telling me that he wants to get to know me better. And I wrote a not so very encouraging email back....(CRYING)...telling him why I can't do what he asks but still not concrete enough to justify not doing it. If I really cared I would say, "Screw this. Of course I'll do it". (If you are reading this please write me back. I was completely honest)
To make matters worst. I just wrote an email to one of my friends, telling him I couldn't do something because of this very problem. He is actually the one that prompted this post. I feel horrible for doing it but I can't understand why I can't do it. It's not even that hard for God sake. Only a few minutes of my so called "busy time". He is definitely going to think I am blowing him off because I don't want to talk to him. :( Not so at all.
I think all the problems I encounter and all the dissatisfaction I feel with my life is caused by me and not those around me. I swear, I just have this affinity to self-sabotage anything that goes good.
[I know many of you are annoyed with how vague I am many of the times. I AGREE!!! It's not the best way to run a blog but I guess it should be expected from a Closet Gay Blog right? I honestly can't divulge many of the details about my life here because I usually express my true feelings about a situation and I don't think I could handle the World Wind of Hell that would result if someone I knew found out about what happens in my life or how I really feel about them. Basically, this Blog is an open book to my head so I have to monitor what I say and how I say it. Which is becoming increasingly difficult to execute the more people I meet through my blog. ]
Posts
You must not allow yourself to sabotage your potential relationships. These guys as you outlined really seemed interested in you.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if it's your expectations are too high or is it that you're scared?
I think it might be a combination of both and no, not all of them are interested. :) I think I am waiting something that's never going to happen.
ReplyDeleteThe vagueness makes us your readers not have the 'complete' story and so its difficult to follow.
ReplyDeleteThe way I read this, you are pushing people who obviously care about you away. I am not sure why you do that and what you are waiting for.
Give people a chance..if they let you down, dust yourself off and try again