Friday, July 24, 2009

Who Am I?

Have you ever had the feeling that you are never good enough or people don't like you? If you do then you and I have something in common.

For the pass few years I have constantly tried to change myself so that I would be more easily accepted and not perceived as weak. However in the process I think I might have loss sight of who I am or more accurately who I was. Change in this case doesn't only mean my physical behaviour but also how I view the world, how I communicate with others, what I wear, what i eat, what my values are, how I react to different situations etc. I am never quite sure if all my changes have made me a better or worst person.

For instance, if I were engaged in a fierce argument with someone, I would've typically be self-confident, dignified and just walk away but I have recently started viewing such behaviour as being weak. Now, my tendency is to engage and fight back, even to the point of using expletives. While I find using profanity a great way of voicing my disgust I am not entirely comfortable using it. However walking away with your head held high doesn't really put your aversary in his place either. I recently had an argument with someone and I mentioned it to my mother. She was less than pleased with my actions. I actually thought she would've been in full support but she wasn't. Infact she said that only persons that are incapable ot handling themself resort to fowl language. I hated to admit it but she was right. Her lack of support indicated to me how radical my change has trully become. I don't recognise myself anymore. She however pointed out that there were other avenues which could be used that were just as forceful as expletives without having to compromise my values and dignity. My mom is so much better at hitting people where it hurts than I am. God I wish I had that skill.

All of this came to a culmination for me last night while watching "She's got the look" with Shelly vs LeeAnne and "The Real World: Cancun" with Ayiiia vs CJ and Joey. Both Shelly and Ayiiia's behaviour were atrocious but in their minds they have done nothing wrong, especially in the case of Shelly. They are operating under this false preception that everything they are doing is right and just and all blame should be ascribed to those they deem unworthy. I am not going to get into a recap of the shows but Shelly thinks that everything LeeAnne does is pure evil yet she is unable to see that what she is doing is also very questionable, if not worst. Ayiiia's behaviour might not be as bad as that of Shelly's but she too believes her actions should not be called into question. Albeit her roommates are complete asses at times but I think Ayiiia is unable to realize how negatively her actions affect others. I mention both women because I find myself relating to them in a sense. Am I really like these too women who can't see they are doing wrong because they believe everything they do is infallible? That's scary.

I want to be a better person but I don't want to change in fear that I am betraying who I really am and I don't want to stay the same in fear that I am coming arcoss as unfriendly and weak. I want to strike a balance but I don't know how.

No comments:

Post a Comment