I'm Lonely

Well today is one of those days where I just feel lonely, miserable and pissed. If these spells persist I think I may be able to declare myself as officially clinically depressed.

I feel that I am losing contact with everyone I know. All that I have to keep me company is my TV and Internet. Haven't you ever wondered why I can keep up with almost every show on TV? It's because I never leave the house. Not that this is anything to be proud of but I have been known to stay in my house for a week straight without even going outside. I know that's pretty pathetic but what can I do? I don't have great friends that I can just go hang with. None of them call me unless they want something and frankly I really don't have anywhere to go. I am like a prisoner in my own house. Sometimes, I think that I am only using this as an excuse. Suppose I actually got the opportunity to change my life and start over, would I do the same thing again or would I do something radical? The fact that I don't know makes me sacred. This really can't be healthy.

At times I have gone online to try and make friends but it never really lasts. Merely because online friendships are just not sustainable. There is no common interest, no daily interaction, nothing. The conversations I always have with people online seem fake and strained. It's like a mental workout for me. It always seems that I am the one trying to edge the conversation along while the other person appears to be completely dis-interested. Trying to make a convo from one word responses is definitely not easy. Yup....he/she is definitely not interested when you start getting No, Yes, Yeah, Ok, lol etc. I even tired talking sex too but, My God, it's hard. lol. I'm such a prude. lol....not really. Everyone online is just looking for a quick hook up in my opinion. What happened to the people who just want to talk? I have really tired to make that human connection online but I have long realized that it's like beating a dead horse. It's not going anywhere. Then again, there are those people who go online and everybody just wants to be their friend. What gives? I get so jealous. I want to feel that too.

Even my family is joining in on the action. I am not really the "lets talk on the phone" kinda guy so I tend to send emails instead. Since recently I have noticed that family/friends/acquaintances that I have been close to are now ignoring my emails (not all of them, some really). I don't know if it's intentional, whether they are busy and can't find the time to write me back or they think I will understand if they don't answer. I don't know!! I just think it's rude. If I was sending them 2 or more emails everyday I would understand the non-response but I don't. If I was saying something really offensive in the emails I would understand but I don't. I don't know what's the problem. Infact I send emails rarely and only if I think that I have not spoken to the person in a while.

I have even started using my instant messenger again to alleviate that non-responsiveness and within 30 minutes of using it I remembered why I hated signing in. Not because you are online it gives you the right to be assholes. People who would never do shit in real life find it perfectly normal to lose their manners online. (God, I sound like a up-tight ass wipe here but I promise I'm not) But seriously, What's wrong with the world. Doesn't anybody use online etiquette?

None of this makes me feel good about myself. I am beginning to think if there is something really wrong with me. Perhaps it would be easier if something was really wrong then I would have something to blame. I have tired changing myself to see if that would make a difference but it doesn't. And honestly, I don't want to change. If you can't like me for me then it is useless being friends or anything else because I am not going to pretend to be a false image of myself to make anybody like me more or feel more attracted to me. Because in the long run I am doing the dis-service to myself. (Perhaps that's my problem. I should just drop all my morals and behave like everybody else)

One of the reasons I even started this blog was to see if I could connect with some real quality people. If I could let out a big laugh right now I would. What a joke. Is anybody even reading this blog? Anyway, despite the absence of readers I still like blogging and I enjoy doing it so I will continue. It helps me vent my frustrations when I have no one to talk to. Which is never!!

I guess that's enough self-loathing for today. Anybody else feel that they are wasting their lives too?