The Doctors: Yesterday and Today

TODAY

Today was an absolutely awesome day. Unlike many other days when I sit around the house and watch TV, I actually went to the beach. It makes me feel guilty that I live in a country with so many beaches and I hardly ever go to any. It has been years upon years since I last went to a beach, so today was beyond great for me. Needless to say, I am dead tired. I don't even want to blog right now but I know if I don't then all the stuff I have to write about is going to pile up.

The day started with a visit to the shopping centre, which was a pain. My mother and I bought a floss yesterday but she forgot to collect it when she was leaving the store so I had to go back this morning to collect it. After I left the store I went to my family doctor. I wanted her to fill out a medical form for me, but she wasn't in the office so I had to use one of the other doctors, which was a bad idea because they charged me $1700 for two little words. When I got into the waiting area I heard someone calling my name. It was Aunty Keelie. I was shocked to see her there. What was she doing in the doctors office? She had brought my little cousin (Aunty Alexis's son) to the doctor for a rash he had developed overnight. While we were waiting, she told me that after she left the doctor's office she was going to take him and my three other cousins to the beach. I told her I wanted to go but she said she wasn't going to wait for me because I had so many other patients ahead of me. I was however able to talk to the secretary, who pushed me ahead of the other persons. These people were waiting for hours. Yes it's unfair but I asked for what I wanted. If you get it, you get it. If you don't, you don't.

I had no clothes for the beach but I went straight from the doctor's office to the beach anyway. Luckily my other cousins had extra clothes I could borrow. They are around my age, so I wasn't wearing children clothes, just in case you were wondering. It was a really fun day. I don't know if it was me but almost all the guys on the beach were super hot. Jamaican men are are a very sexy bunch. All those nice bodies on the beach made me appreciate the Jamaican Physique even more. I am still surprised there were so many good looking guys on the beach. They were much better looking than I am and that's saying alot. Can't wait to go back.

YESTERDAY

Recently, I have been having a bit of problem seeing out of my glasses so my mother decided to take me to her ophthalmologist yesterday. I told you I was a nerd. lol. I only wear it when I have to read stuff at school or lectures though. Ok. That's a lie. I have to wear it anytime I want to read anything far away. Anyway, it now turns out that I have developed astigmatism in my right eye. Boo Hoo. What can I do? It happens. My eyes are shit. I have to live with it. Anyway after waiting 3 freakin' hours to see the doctor we left and went to buy some food. It was late so we knew that we couldn't go home and cook dinner. While we were in the Chinese restaurant my mother ran into an acquaintance. She asked me if I remembered him and I turned to him and said, "You were a police officer right?" To which he responded, "I still am" We all then did a little chit-chatting while the food was being prepared. It was taking forever so I told my mother I wanted to buy a roll of floss in the meantime. We both went to the store. Getting the floss was also taking long so I told her I was going back to the restaurant to collect the food. So I left her in the store expecting her to collect the floss. She never did. Apparently she thought I had already collected it.

When I got back to the restaurant I saw that the police guy was still there. We started talking again afterwhich he asked me for my cell number. I thought it was strange. Why was he asking me? Why not my mother? I immediately thought, "This guy must be gay." He then told me that he wanted us to keep in contact. So I gave him my number afterwhich he left. He didn't even write it down or anything. I thought for sure he would forget it. My mother then came back to the restaurant and asked me if I remembered Sarah. I told her yes. She told me that Sarah and the police officer were dating but broke it off. My mother then said "He is such a nice guy. I don't know why they broke up". In my mind I was thinking, "Perhaps because he's gay. No straight guy is going to ask me from my number"

Later that night I got a text from a number I didn't know and in it, it stated, "This is the guy you gave your number to today. Save my number so that we can keep intouch..." I then texted him back and told him I was impressed that he remembered it. He then texted me back and said, "A number like mine one will and cannot forget." How sweet I thought. We kept texting/flirting back and forth until he asked, "How old r u? Can I call you now..." I told him I was 22 and that it was too late for him to call me.... He could have called me but it was after midnight and I really didn't want my mother asking me any questions. He then texted me back and told me that he was 31 and wanted me to save his email as well, which I thought was great because I communicate best throught the written word. He then asked me if he could confide in me. I told him that he couldn't find anyone more trustworthy than I am. He then told me that he was attracted to me ever since I was in high school but I was just too young, so he had to force himself to keep his hands off me. Furthermore he was a police officer so he couldn't break the law. The age of consent in Jamaica is 16 and I was 14. I then told him I was no longer in high school and I wasn't that young anymore. He wrote me back and asked me if I was his "type" because he was worried that someone like me wouldn't be interested in him. He is a very good looking, sweet guy but I really haven't explored my sexuality that much as yet so I want to keep my opinions open. I told him I didn't have a type, which was a lie. We kept texting way into the morning until he asked me if he could see me again. I told him yes. I'm the one that should set the date so I am thinking about next week friday.

I love flirting with guys but anytime it starts evolving beyond the flirting stage I get freaked out. It's almost like everytime a guy wants to meet me and get some face to face time, my self-sabotage mechanism kicks in. I just get this urge to put an end to the relationship right there and then. I am trying very hard to break out of this mould and go beyond my comfort stage.

It was getting really really late so he decided he was going to allow me to get some rest "Because a guy like me he would sex all night long". He then said Sorry. "Text all night long." I thought it was a corny joke but I loved it. When I went to bed my entire underwear was soaked with precum. Damn it! I can't control it. What made it even more nice was that he even offered to give me back all the money I used while texting but I told him it was fine.

I did a meet up like this once before with a guy I might on the internet. He was a super hot guy, but we didn't have any chemistry so nothing happened between us. Furthermore he was a Jamaican studying abroad and was only here for vacation so it would have never worked. Preparing to meet him made me a nervous wreck. Preparing to meet this police guy is making me a nervous wreck now. Getting involved with someone is so scary for me.

Now that I have finally met a nice guy that I (almost) know it scares me. I would be more comfortable if he was around my age though. It never totally comes together, EVER!! Does it?

Anyway, while writing this I got a call from a girl I gave my number to earlier this week too. She likes me but I don't like her that way. She tired to find out if I had a girlfriend. I told her no and she was shocked that I didn't, because "someone like me should have one". Her words exactly. Also she even tried to find out what I did all day today as well as what I was doing this weekend, what I was doing next week. Anytime I talk to girls I always feel uncomfortable. She even asked me how old I was too. (Always a mjor indicator when someone is interested in you.) I just want to keep it on the friend level with her. But when girls pursue me I always feel weird.

I am now trying to joggle a guy and a girl at the same time. My head hurts.

[Sorry guys. I will try to finish the sexual exposure part 2 soon. I will not be anywhere near the internet for a couple days so that's next week business. I also have some major major news to tell you guys too. I really should tell you but I don't know why I am keeping it such a secret.]

Sexual Exposure 7: Derrick The Rapist Part 1

I am having second thoughts about writing this post because I don't know if this is something I want anyone to know. I have never spoken or told anyone about this so writing about it on the internet where everyone can see it is difficult. But I thought if someone else might have experienced something like this then perhaps it could be comforting to know they are not alone.

When I first got to college, I thought that it would have been the start of a brand new beginning. And in a sense I was correct, It was the beginning of a brand new hell. I thought people would have been more intelligent and more accepting of homosexuals but as usual I was wrong. College turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life. There was no difference between the people here and those living in the ghettos. Sad but true. I don't even want to remember half of the stuff that happened to me while there. Like the time my roommate moved out without telling me (only because everyone suspected I was gay) or the time they wrote my name on a goat and killed it at my door (That was scary).

Anyway, on my first day on the dorm I was required to attend a general freshman meeting in the common room. I was a little late for the meeting so when I got there all the chairs were taken, except for one seat in the back beside this guy. So I went and sat down beside him. Trying to be polite I said Hi, to which he responded, "Hi, I'm Derrick. What's yours?" I then told him my name was Dave.

Derrick was this very masculine and muscly guy. Infact he was the first person I ever knew who had so many muscles. He had huge arms, a nice broad chest, big pecs and of course the popping abs. He was also a very tall guy with a height of about 6 feet 2 inches, (I think). Derrick also appeared to wear alot of tight shirts as far as I could tell, because I never saw him in anything else. If he wasn't wearing a tight shirt then he would usually be shirtless, especially if he was walking through the halls on the dorm after classes. I guess he wanted to show everyone that he had a great body. Too bad he didn't have a brain to match. Derrick was also an international student from a country that was less uptight about the gay thing so he was a bit more accepting of homosexuals than most other people. Additionally, he was also a very good athlete in many of the sports he participated in so that made he somewhat likeable.

Anyway, shortly after the meeting started, Derrick then asked me if he could see something on my hand. I said sure and so he took my hand and started playing with it. Yes, playing with it. He kept playing with my hand for like 15 minutes and so I started to get uncomfortbale. I then asked him if I could get my hand back and he stopped. For months to follow Derrick started doing alot of strange things around me but not wanting to think anything of it I just passed them off as just paranoia. Guys did this stuff all the time, I thought. Just for the record, I lived a very sheltered life before college so at times when people would say or do certain thinks infront of me I wouldn't know if it was typical behaviour for college students. So as not to look stupid I never said anything.

A few of the weird thinks I noticed Derrick started doing was the fact that if he was passing me in the halls when no one was around he would lick his top lip slowly then bite is bottom lip. And he always did it so that I could clearly see. I knew it was sexual but I just thought he was playing around. On another occasion while I was studying for a test in my room he came in and asked if I was finished. Because I knew he was also doing the course, I asked him the same question. He said no but he was taking a break. After that he then went and lied down on my bed. He was in my room for a while so I took the opportunity to study with him. At one point during the study session he said he didn't understand something so I took the textbook over to him to explain it. I sat on the edge of the bed after which he said, "I like that your bed is so comfy. I think I am going to sleep here tonight" I then asked him where was I going to sleep. And he said right beside him. I laughed and told him it was never going to happen. He then placed his had on my hips and started massaging it. Once again he had made me feel uncomfortable so I got up and went back to my desk. He never slept over. Thank God.

On another instance, I told him I was going to audition for the choir. On the day of the audition he shows up and tells me that he is going audition too. Why was he doing this? He was an athlete, not a singer. He sat beside me and stayed throughout the entire audition but never did audition. When it was over everyone make a made rush for the door, including myself. The door was small so there was a bottleneck. Everyone was pulling and pushing each other to get through like little children. All of a sudden I felt like someone was really pushing me beyond normal as if they wanted me to fall . I didn't turn around to see who it was. The next thing I knew was that someone had nestled their cock right into my ass crack and was using the pushing motion from the crowd to grind his cock into my ass. I turned around and it was Derrick. He was smiling and I basically just turned around and walked away. Luckily I was at the front of the door at that time so I really didn't have to endure it much longer.

In the dorm, everyone usually shared the bathroom on the floor. I usually liked using the shower towards the far back because it was the only shower that had the soap rack still intact. These were big communal showers with just partitions and a shower curtain so there really wasn't much privacy or security. One day while taking my shower someone pulled my shower curtain away and I turned around frightened out of my mind to see Derrick standing there just staring at my naked ass. I immediately pulled the curtain back and asked him if he didn't see or hear that someone was in here. He then apologized profusely and said he didn't. Really? Wasn't my towel over the rack and running water enough to tell you that someone was in here?

I know many of you will think I was stupid for not seeing what was happening but I really didn't. I wasn't thinking of Derrick in a sexual nature and neither was he a bad guy. He was a friend and he never did anything for me not to trust him. I honestly thought that all these occurrences were just mere coincidences so I never thought twice about them.

This is getting a bit long so I think I'll continue it tomorrow.

Update on Big Shocker

So I wrote him and asked about the email. He said I should just disregard it because it was sent by someone who had hacked his account. I knew it was too good to be true. I can't help but feel a little disappointed though. Aren't all the good ones usually straight? Also I can't help but feel less confident about telling others about my orientation now. Sigh. A great sign of strength turned out to be nothing more than a fluke.

Big Shocker!!

Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!!!! I am grinning from ear to ear right now. I just found out like two seconds ago and I had to blog about it.

So I was just reading my emails and saw that this guy I went to primary and high school with made a comment on one of my photos. He was a good upstanding kid but not really a head turner if you catch my drift. He was always a friend but not an attraction. Anyway, because I haven't been in contact with him for years I thought that I would visit his profile and see how life has been treating him. The first thing I usually head for when I want to see how my former schoolmates are doing is their bio page. There was nothing out of the ordinary there so I moved onto his photos. So I went and looked at his photos and can I tell you, that ugly duckling has turned into a Swan. That boy has become mad sexy!! I am not even joking. When I say someone is hot you can believe they are hot. Infact I am leaking precum like crazy right now. [TMI....:)] I hate when this happens but what can I say my dick likes what my dick likes. It has a mind of it's own.

Because I was now viewing him in a sexual manner, I remembered that he had sent me a few emails a couple years ago. In it he told me how he met my mother in the grocery store and how he was proud of me for doing so well in college. Being the type of person I am I wrote him back and told him thanks and asked him how he was doing. We exchanged 2 more emails but never spoke to each other after that.

Remembering that he had sent me emails I went hunting them down. Usually this is the first sign I exhibit when I am becoming obsessed with someone. While looking for the emails I realized that he had sent me one that I never read. It was entitled "Fuck Y'all" and it was a mass email sent to many of my close friends from high school. I was taken aback because this was unlike him. In the email he said he had a confession to tell us. His confession was that he loved men. In the email he further went on to tell all the girls he had sex with from high school (many of whose emails were listed in the To: box) that he hated every minute of it and all the moaning and groaning he did was fake. WOW!! He really gave it to them. In the end he said he was happy it was finally out and also extended an invitation to all the guys that he was available. This email was friggin Awesome. I wish I had even half the balls he does.

This email was sent to me in 2007. Yes I know. NEVER EVER SEND ME MASS EMAILS people!!!! I am not going to read them.

I am going to leave my comfort zone for once and do something out of character. I'm contacting him. What do you think? I don't know if I can trust him though. From that outburst it appears that he is very unpredictable.

Who Am I?

Have you ever had the feeling that you are never good enough or people don't like you? If you do then you and I have something in common.

For the pass few years I have constantly tried to change myself so that I would be more easily accepted and not perceived as weak. However in the process I think I might have loss sight of who I am or more accurately who I was. Change in this case doesn't only mean my physical behaviour but also how I view the world, how I communicate with others, what I wear, what i eat, what my values are, how I react to different situations etc. I am never quite sure if all my changes have made me a better or worst person.

For instance, if I were engaged in a fierce argument with someone, I would've typically be self-confident, dignified and just walk away but I have recently started viewing such behaviour as being weak. Now, my tendency is to engage and fight back, even to the point of using expletives. While I find using profanity a great way of voicing my disgust I am not entirely comfortable using it. However walking away with your head held high doesn't really put your aversary in his place either. I recently had an argument with someone and I mentioned it to my mother. She was less than pleased with my actions. I actually thought she would've been in full support but she wasn't. Infact she said that only persons that are incapable ot handling themself resort to fowl language. I hated to admit it but she was right. Her lack of support indicated to me how radical my change has trully become. I don't recognise myself anymore. She however pointed out that there were other avenues which could be used that were just as forceful as expletives without having to compromise my values and dignity. My mom is so much better at hitting people where it hurts than I am. God I wish I had that skill.

All of this came to a culmination for me last night while watching "She's got the look" with Shelly vs LeeAnne and "The Real World: Cancun" with Ayiiia vs CJ and Joey. Both Shelly and Ayiiia's behaviour were atrocious but in their minds they have done nothing wrong, especially in the case of Shelly. They are operating under this false preception that everything they are doing is right and just and all blame should be ascribed to those they deem unworthy. I am not going to get into a recap of the shows but Shelly thinks that everything LeeAnne does is pure evil yet she is unable to see that what she is doing is also very questionable, if not worst. Ayiiia's behaviour might not be as bad as that of Shelly's but she too believes her actions should not be called into question. Albeit her roommates are complete asses at times but I think Ayiiia is unable to realize how negatively her actions affect others. I mention both women because I find myself relating to them in a sense. Am I really like these too women who can't see they are doing wrong because they believe everything they do is infallible? That's scary.

I want to be a better person but I don't want to change in fear that I am betraying who I really am and I don't want to stay the same in fear that I am coming arcoss as unfriendly and weak. I want to strike a balance but I don't know how.

Sexual Exposure 6: The Jock

Upon entering High School I never had the intention of building a romantic relationship with anyone, much less do anything of a sexual nature with them. My education was top priority. In my earlier years I was pretty much a dunce head. At least I thought that. I never took school seriously and all I wanted to do was goof around. Despite this lack of interest in school I always did well. I was always amazed when I got good grades and never studied crap. My teachers even thought I was smart enough to skip a few grades and I did. This therefore resulted in me graduating both high school and college at a pretty young age. However when I got to high school I decided that I would hit the books and change my ways. It was hard but I accomplished my goal and did really well. I ultimately became what the Americans would call a Geek or Nerd.

In grade 7, everybody was so excited about high school. We were all making new friends, starting new subjects and making greater connections with the opposite sex (Not in my case). I wasn't really attracted to anyone in my class but all the girls were apparently smitten with this guy named Jake. They talked about him all the time and from what I gathered they thought he was completely hot. I however didn't see what all the fuss was about. In my book Jake was just a big stupid jock. Furthermore, I had no time for love connections, I had school work to focus on.

When we got to grade 8 Jake's reputation for attracting the girls grew even more. Infact, if I remember correctly he was called the most gorgeous guy in the entire 8th grade (behind me of course). He was also dating the hottest girl in school, Kelly, which gave him alot of bonus points in the love department. Isn't that surprising? A jock dating the hot girl. This is unheard of in the modern world. Anyway, it was a requirement that all students study a trade. In the boys case it was Industrial Arts (Wood Work) and in the girls case it was Home Economics. Today, I am happy to say this has now been changed. Both sexes are now required to do both. It has become an equal world indeed.

During Wood work classes it was often typical for our wood work teacher not to show up. Therefore on such days I would sit at the back of the class and study until the period was over. The other boys would however spend their time being boys, aka getting into trouble. On one of these days Jake comes to the back of the class and sits beside me. He then started asking me alot of questions about what I was studying and if he could sit with me and study too. I really didn't care for his presence. Disturbing me while I am studying is a sure fire way of irritating me but I told him it was ok. Jake obviously took this as a sign that I liked him because before I knew it his hands were between my legs, squeezing my cock. I immediately brushed his hands away and stared at him in shock. What the hell was he doing? I didn't know what to say and I felt that he had just taken advantage of me, so I did what any rational person would do. I stretched my hand out and squeezed his cock in return. But when I did, I was in for another shock; Jake was semi hard and HUGE!! When I say huge I mean huge. Up until this point I had only ever touched two other penises and they weren't this big (Yes, I left out this story out of my series).

Jake must have seen the shock on my face because he smiled and then pulled his pants tightly around his leg. When he did this I could clearly see the monster I had just groped snaking down his thigh. It was so fat and long. Cocks like this certainly don't exist I thought to myself. This must be a trick. This boy was blessed. From that point onward Jake and I would sit at that very desk and feel each other up in every wood work class, him more so than me. We even did it in the presence of the teacher. To be honest, I hated industrial arts but knowing Jake was there made me look forward to every class. Squeezing that delicious meat between his legs was heaven.

Jake and I had become so comfortable touching each other that we started doing it in library class. At one point he even unzipped his fly and took out one of his pubic hairs and pushed it in my mouth. I thought it was disgusting but he thought it was funny. At this stage teenage boys were experiencing the onset of puberty so any little hair they had growing was a source of great pride for them. Jake and I also had Physical Education together and it was always a treat to see him strip in the locker room. When I saw him in his underwear for the first time, I finally understood why the girls were so attracted to him. He was a hot guy. What made PE even better for me was the fact that Jake always had something to say about my ass. He complimented it all the time and joked around with the other guys in the locker room about it. On days like these I never wanted to leave the locker room and go to Math class.

As time progressed Jake's desire to feel me up got out of hand. He started to do it in public. I became really uncomfortable with him around. Jake just would not stop grabbing my dick whenever he felt like it. Before long someone would catch us and I was afraid of what would happen when they did. Not long after, someone did see us, his girlfriend. She told the entire class but luckily no one took her accusations seriously. Without the support of the class, she decided the next best thing was to verbally attack me for trying to steal her boyfriend. Instead, of confronting Jake, she was attacking me. Why? Jake was the instigator, I was merely the enabler. If he stops, it would've all stopped. I then told Kelly that she needed to take up her complaint with her man and leave me out of it. Kelly then told Jake that he had to stop touching me in public or she would dump him. I was so relieved. Perhaps now he would've come to his senses. No such luck he just kept doing it anyway. I was reaching my last straw with Jake. He was starting to get me into trouble and I needed to draw the line.

During homeroom I was assigned the seat behind Jake so I really couldn't avoid him even if I wanted to. One day he was talking to his friends infront of me and suddenly he turned around, pushed his hand under my desk and starting squeezing my cock as if his friends weren't even there. This was going way to far. I had to end it. I then told him that if he touched me another time that I would stab him with my pencil. He then got up in my face and told me that I couldn't tell him what to do. He also told me that he owned me and if he wanted to touch my cock I couldn't stop him. He even went as far as to tell me that he could fucking rape if he wanted to and I would be powerless to do anything about that either. I told him he could try but he would regret it. Interestingly enough years later when I got to college someone did try to rape me. I will write about that next time.

At the end of eight grade Jake left our high school and I never heard from him again. However last year he did view my online network profile, which I got a kick out of, but he never added me as a friend. I knew it was childish but I didn't add him either. From what I've read he now has a daughter and lives in New York.

Peace Jake!!

Sexual Exposure 5: The Sisters

Initially, it was my intention to mention almost all the sexual encounters I have had from childhood until now but I now realize that this is neither wise nor interesting. As such I am going to mention only a few of them. I would have loved for you to understand where I am in my sexual development but who cares anyway.

While living with my mother I became friends with all the children in the neighbourhood, more so the two sisters that lived downstairs in my building. We were the closest trio around. The eldest sister was 12 years old, the youngest sister was 10 years old and I was 8. I did everything with them. We played together, went out together, eat together, had sleep overs together and did a lot of other fun stuff together. I don't think I would have had such a great childhood without them.

Being older than I was, my mom was very trusting of them and because of this trust I was allowed to do a lot of stuff other children my age would have never gotten the chance to do otherwise. On one particular day my mother had left me in the house alone and as arranged I would always stay with the neighbours until she returned. It so happens that on this day the parents of the sisters were also out on the town and as such we decided that we were going to have a party at the house.

The eldest sister then had this "brilliant" idea that we such have sex. Not one to object I agreed to have sex with them. The eldest sister and I then went into her room, where she proceeded to lie on the bed and take off her skirt and then her panties. She then motioned to me to come over onto the bed with her. Instinctively, I then climbed on top of her and we started to kiss. We did this for a while afterwhich she pulled down my shorts and underwear and positioned my penis into her vagina. Apparently, I wasn't doing it properly because I distinctly remember her saying that I am not doing it right. In my defense the reason I think I wasn't doing it right was because I didn't want to do it at all. I just wanted it to be over. In the middle of "sex" or whatever we were doing, the little sister walks in with a plate of sliced green apples and salt and said to us, "I want my turn now" The older sister then took the plate from her and we both lied on the bed naked eating the apples. After we were finished she jumped off the bed and walked out of the room butt naked. I couldn't believe she did that. Didn't she want to put on her clothes? I knew I did.

The little sister then walked in also butt naked and crawled unto the bed with me. The both of us started to go at it as well. At this point I really didn't want to do it anymore so I didn't do much with the little sister. All I wanted was to go back to my house. Doing this just felt totally wrong. However while having sex with the little sister I did see some white liquidy juice coming out of my penis and it scared the shit out of me. I had never seen that coming out of my penis before and I swore I had caught some disease from these girls. I told my closest guy friend what had happened and he said he wasn't going to tell a soul. However during a general sex health class there was a guest speaker that asked, "Has any boy ever seen a white thick fluid coming from his penis?" I wasn't going to put my hand up because I am the type of person that loves to keep stuff to himself. But in my horror my best friend jumped up and said "Dave saw some, Dave saw some!!!" I couldn't believe my ears. Then a few of the girls jumped up too and said, ''It's true. It's true. He told us also" This could not be happening. The only reason I told any of them was because I was scared I had caught something and I wanted them to put my mind at ease. No one was suppose to tell. How could they do this to me? Can you imagine how embarrassed I was? I was the only one that had ever seen white fluid coming out of his penis. No fair!! The guest speaker then tried to make me talk about it but I just stared at her like a dummy. I wasn't going to talk about this infront of the entire 4th grade.

After everything was over. The eldest sister then told me that she was having sex with another girl from her high school. She then told me that when she was going over to her friends house she would carry me so that we could all have sex together. I knew the girl the eldest sister was having sex with personally but I was surprised to know that two girls were doing it together. I didn't even know the word gay at that age much less to hear that two girls were doing it. The entire community knew the friend was a huge slut already (fucking all sorts of boys), but her parents were super rich so I really wanted to go with the eldest sister to the house so that I could see inside. I always wanted to going inside the house but never knew how. I really didn't want to go there to have sex with them but that's another story which I will not get into.

Anyway, despite all of what I have written I still believe I am a virgin. What I did might have sounded like sex to you but I certainly don't think it was. I was so young and I didn't even know what I was doing at that age so it doesn't count as sex. In my mind that was just experimentation. Every kid experiments. Right?

Sexual Exposure 4: The Crush

I have wanted to continue my Sexual Exposure series for quite a while now but since the theft of my laptop with the draft of this chapter and the others to come, I lost all zeal to re-write them. I also have a new development in my life that is forcing me to finish this series much more quickly than I expected. (No, it's not the computer getting a virus and No I didn't meet someone) The thought of sitting down and writing all these chapters so that you can get caught up with my love life, or lack thereof, tends to become overwhelming for me. And if I become overwhelmed it becomes impossible to write anything.

In my previous chapter I ended with my life at Aunty Keelie but at this junction I have now returned home to live with my mother, who has just finished her studies at University. I no longer had to worry about moving or making new friends. I was at a steady primary school for once in my life.

At this school there was a boy named Bret. He was probably my first true crush. He was in the 3rd grade, had a killer smile, of Indian and African descent, fair complexion and had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen. It was always so shiny and curly, that everytime I saw him I would just get this major urge to reach out and touch it. In my baby eyes, Bret had all the qualities that made a boy stand stood out above the crowd. He was the total package: Cute, Adorable and Sexy. I was however in the first grade and had no way of getting to talk to him but I wasn't going to let that stop me.

In the first grade I was somewhat, "The Leader" of my group so I always had a few kids following me around. I was so infatuated with Bret that I would have done anything to talk to him. I didn't want to just go up and say Hi, so one day I convinced my friends that we should go to his home room and tease him. (Now that I am older, I now know this was a really bad idea). My friends however agreed to follow and thus the teasing commenced.

We teased him on and off for days. Calling his name and running away, touching him and running away and all those other stupid things kids do to annoy each other. Obviously, I was more invested in annoying Bret than my friends so I was the one doing most of the teasing. Unbeknown to me, when you tease someone, especially someone older and bigger than you are, they are going to seek revenge. At my age I didn't even know what revenge was so I really didn't give a second thought about the consequences of my actions. If Bret were to seek revenge I would have been the most logical target.

One day, Friday to be exact (I remember it so well), while I was walking home from school, I felt someone grab my right arm and whispered into my ear, "I finally caught you". I then turned around and saw that it was Bret. It was somewhat appropriate too considering that he never could catch me after I ran away, so the only way he could really catch me was by ambush. But those words meant so much more to me than he could have ever known. Feeling his breath on my ear, his hand on my arm and his body pressed up against mine drove me crazy. This was the guy I was in love with for months. In my mind it was so romantic. I then said to him, "I can see". Bret then smiled and said to me, "I have a surprise for you on Monday" In my naive little mind I thought this would be a good thing.

All weekend I imagined Bret and I kissing, talking, laughing and becoming the best of friends. Honestly I couldn't wait for Monday. What surprise did Bret have for me? Was he going to tell me he liked me? Were we going to hold hands? Were we going to play together? All these silly little questions were going through my head all weekend long.

So Monday finally came and I was excited to see what surprise Bret had for me. I saw him during general devotion so I smiled and waved at him and he did the same. I thought to myself, "This was going to be a great day". After devotion he came up to me and told me that he wanted to meet him in the bathroom during break period. When break came I rushed to the bathroom but Bret wasn't there. I waited a few minutes but I didn't see him so I decided to leave. On my way out the door, Bret arrived with his friends. I didn't know why his friends were there but I was about to find out. To make a very painful story even shorter, Bret and his friends beat me up in the bathroom. I was crushed. I was not only suffering from bruises but also a broken heart. Why did he do this to me?

We never spoke after that and I just stopped liking him. In all honesty I don't even remember anything about him after that day. I lost interest. I saw him once again during high school but that is all I remember of him. My heart most have been so broken that my brain has blocked all memories of him. I really liked him too. It should have never ended this way. Perhaps I should have just said Hi.

Kupono is No More

As I have mentioned countless times, I watch a lot of TV. And once again I am here to talk about one of my favorite shows, "So you think you can Dance"

On Thursday Kupono Aweau, also referred to as just Kupono was axed from the competition. I was not surprised he was sent home, but I was shocked to learn that Evan was not in the bottom two. What the hell? Ade should have never been in the bottom two. That was just wrong. America what were you thinking? I am usually so un-impressed with Evan's dancing that sometimes I forget his name and call him Nate. So weird!

Anyway, with any show that I watch I usually develop an interest for the guy or guys I think are gay. In my book Kupono definitely strikes me as gay, along with Brandon (last name: Bryant) and my former infatuation Jonathan Platero. I am not one to judge but Kupono's mannerism just screams gay to me. His odd fashion sense also makes it even more distinct. Despite this I have developed somewhat of a protector mechanism for any gay in a competition setting. I just want them to do well. It's sad that Kupono is gone but I think Brandon is going to win the entire thing. Yahoooo!!!

Brandon strikes me as gay too but there is just something about him that irrates me sometimes. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it is his constant smiling or perhaps it's his underline cockiness. I've no clue. One thing is for sure that boy is Hot!! Talking about hot did anybody catch that African Dance the boys did on Wednesday? All the boys, or should I say men, are hot on that show except Evan (sorry dude you're just not doing it for me). All these men have great physiques but I was drawn to Jason's pecs on Wednesday. Lordy Lord!! They were round, perky and nice. They were calling out to me. Touch them, touch them!! lol. They just looked perfect. It's always a treat when he takes his shirt off.

No one can tell for sure if someone is gay or not but it's sure fun to speculate. This brings me back to Jonathan. I recently stumbled on a comment from someone on Yahoo Answers who claims to know him personally. Here is what she said,

"I know for a fact that he is NOT gay, I went to High School with him and am good friends with him. The day any of you f$$k the quality of girls hes f**$$d let me know. They are pretty high quality too

Source(s):

Me"

I found this so absolutely hilarious. She sounds quite passionate about it too. She's on the internet for crying out loud. Anything anonymous on the internet carries little weight and then she puts source "Me". Really? Obviously it's you, Who else could it be? And what the hell is "Quality girls?" lol. Was she one of the "Quality girls"? Quality here is soooo subjective. Whatever honey. I think he is gay despite what you say. Tonnes of guys fuck "Quality Girls" and marry them too, but you know what, a few of them are still gay.

Finally, I am going to talk about the gay judge, Tyce Diorio (real name Keith Diorio). He's not out from what I've gathered but he's so fucking gay. Tone it down a bit Tyce. If he wasn't so freaking hot I would hate his guts. He's so mean to the dancers. Does he even think about what he is telling them sometimes? Tyce seems to be free with his gayness and every gay should try and achieve that level of comfort but if I truly believe that why does it bother me when he acts the way he does? It doesn't make sense. Anyway, let him continue strutting his broadway stuff, as long as he's hot I will overlook the flaws. (Honestly, I don't know when I became this shallow)

Puppy Love

For the pass few days I have been so lazy to write anything. If I had a busy life I could blame my lack of blogging on that but since I don't have a busy life then all I got is laziness. Additionally, it now appears that I might have infected my mother's computer with a worm. I have tried everything to get rid of it but nothing seems to work. I seriously just want to sulk, scream and cry about the entire thing. Why did a virus have to infect this computer? WHY? I honestly don't want to go into how shitting I have been over this right now because I don't want to ward away people with my depressive moods. I really thought I fixed the problem but I saw the infected message pop up a second ago...[crying]. I will remain positive and hopefully I will finally get some positive energy in return. Anyway, this is besides the point.

Since the robbery, my mother and I have thought of many measures we could put in place to provide us with a greater sense of security; one of those measures was getting a dog. For years I have wanted a puppy but my mother has never been too keen on the idea. However she has decided that the time was now right to get one. Happy day!! Imagine it took a robbery for me to get a dog. Perhaps, I won't be so lonely now that I'll have a puppy around to take care of. So exciting.

Anyway on Sunday, the carpenter came and built the kennel, for my soon to arrive love. My mother and I actually walked around the community and begged the boards used to build the kennel. I know it's cheap, but why buy when you can get it for free? So after the carpenter finished his work I realized that a lot of board was left over so I decided that I wanted to build a ladder. The old one was rotten and was just waiting for a major disaster to happen.

Building of the ladder was progressing smoothly. I had sawed a number of boards to get the lengths I wanted and was now going to start sawing the last plank. While doing this, my neighbour came out and starting talking to my mother. In a momentary lapse in memory I looked away from the saw and was watching them. Before I knew it, my finger was being slammed into the wall by the saw, the plank and the concrete/cinder block (I was using it to brace the plank. It makes cutting easier). In a split second I was able to withdraw my hand quickly enough to walk away with only the skin of my little finger being ripped from my flesh. Being the big macho man I try to be, I turned away so that my mother wouldn't see what had happened, but no such luck, she saw. Instead of keeping my injury to herself she said loudly, "You cut yourself didn't you? I then lied and said, "It's not bad, only a bit of my skin got ripped off" My neighbour then said, 'You're too soft...blah blah blah"

My neighbours always talk shit about me and it pisses me off. My mother knows they talk shit about me and she always gives them ammo to use against me; not intentionally but ammo nonetheless. My neighbour's comment really got to me. Deep down I knew she was right. I am not built for manual labour. I never was. If I try to do the manly outdoors stuff I often end up getting hurt. I want to take up that manly role but I am no good at it. The simplest task of sawing a piece of wood and I almost took off my fucking finger. [N.B. I have done this before without incident.]

Despite my aptitude for accidents I love doing the outdoors stuff and I will continue to do them. Afterall it's kinda fun....sometimes. Today I restarted my project and regardless of whether I am built for it or not I intent to finish my ladder tomorrow.

Anyway, I can't wait for my puppy. Lord knows I need some loving and if it takes a dog to give it to me then so be it :)

Jamaica 3rd Happiest Country in the World

In a recent study done, Jamaica was ranked the 3rd happiest country in the World, while Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic were ranked 1st and 2nd respectively. Read it for yourself at CNN.

Are you kidding me? Third? I'm shocked. I thought that we would be way way down on the list for happiness. Afterall I am miserable, so how can the rest of the country be happy! lol. Flawed logic...I know, but most of us are poor and we have one of the highest crime rates in the world. How can we be happy?

Jamaica is however a beautiful country with some very wonderful people. Every time I see a documentary about Jamaica on TV, I have to ask myself, "Do I really live in such an amazing country? Anytime, Jamaica is portrayed on TV, I am often reminded of how great my country really is. I might not be exposed to the more happier side of the island but Jamaica is truly awesome. Perhaps, being gay is really messing up how I relate psychologically with my country. Even this pass Sunday I was watching an exploration of the Jamaican Blue Mountains and I was stunted to hear about all the natural wonders there. As usual, I kept asking myself am I really a citizen of such a great country?

I always feel a sense of Pride when anyone talks about Jamaica in a good light. Don't even get me started on our National Anthem. That song kicks every other nations ass. Perhaps there is some truth to the 3rd Happiest country in the world thing. Gotta love this little nation despite the load of shit they dish gays.

Dreams and Wet Dreams

Last night was pretty weird for me because I hardly ever have dreams, much less remember them.

The first dream was about my stolen laptop, but I guess none of you want to hear about that but I'll give you the gist anyway. Apparently, my laptop was stolen by a guy I worked with. This time however I was working at a police station. It so happens that I was investigating my stolen laptop and discovered that this guy was the one responsible. He was working with one of the female officers, robbing people who listed their homes online. I eventually found out the female officer was the Mastermind behind all the robberies. I informed the chief and a huge shoot out between the two robbers ensued however they escaped. A while after I was having a party at my house and the two robbers showed up. The female officer came in and sat down beside me and then said, "I know you are gay" afterwhich she tried to blackmail me. She also told me, she didn't like me, wanted me to suffer and enjoyed sleeping in my bed after she had robbed me.

From the looks of this dream it appears that I have alot of unresolved issues to work through.

The second dream was about this guy I knew in college. He was one of those really hot, athletic, friendly types. He always wanted to borrow my books and come to my room, work at my desk and lie in my bed. The fact that this guy was doing this was really strange because I didn't get along well with most of the guys I lived with and furthermore he hung out with a group of guys I absolutely detested. I guess the fact that he went to an all boys high school made him behave differently. Needless to say I was really attracted to him. So last night in my dreams, he appears in my room naked and I instinctively went down on my knees and took is cock in my hand. I then sticked out my tongue and started licking the head of his erect member but after a while I drew away and told him I couldn't because his cock was too salty. Honestly I don't know why I would say or dream something like that because I have never sucked anyone's cock before and I wouldn't know whether they taste salty or not. So I tired sucking him off again but it was still too salty so I just stopped trying. I guess you can depend on me to be the only gay guy that has trouble sucking another guy off, even in his dreams.

Anyway, after my failed attempt at sucking him off he climbed on to the bed and I climbed on top of him. I then started to grind my cock into his and I started to do it faster and faster until his dick mysteriously slipped into my ass. Don't ask me how it got there, all I know was that it felt great. Shortly after riding his cock I exploded all over him and then we kissed. I then woke up 2 seconds after in a sticky mess. I hate the mess.

What I find interesting is that I have not had a wet dream in over 8 years but since they stole my laptop I have been having wet dreams more frequently. This is like my third one in about a week. Since my laptop has been stolen I don't masturbate as much so I think my body is compensating for the lack of pleasure. I usually jacked like 3 times a day when I had my laptop but I hardly do it now. It's harder to do what I usually do when I am using someone else's computer.

I don't know. I am just screwed up.

I'm Lonely

Well today is one of those days where I just feel lonely, miserable and pissed. If these spells persist I think I may be able to declare myself as officially clinically depressed.

I feel that I am losing contact with everyone I know. All that I have to keep me company is my TV and Internet. Haven't you ever wondered why I can keep up with almost every show on TV? It's because I never leave the house. Not that this is anything to be proud of but I have been known to stay in my house for a week straight without even going outside. I know that's pretty pathetic but what can I do? I don't have great friends that I can just go hang with. None of them call me unless they want something and frankly I really don't have anywhere to go. I am like a prisoner in my own house. Sometimes, I think that I am only using this as an excuse. Suppose I actually got the opportunity to change my life and start over, would I do the same thing again or would I do something radical? The fact that I don't know makes me sacred. This really can't be healthy.

At times I have gone online to try and make friends but it never really lasts. Merely because online friendships are just not sustainable. There is no common interest, no daily interaction, nothing. The conversations I always have with people online seem fake and strained. It's like a mental workout for me. It always seems that I am the one trying to edge the conversation along while the other person appears to be completely dis-interested. Trying to make a convo from one word responses is definitely not easy. Yup....he/she is definitely not interested when you start getting No, Yes, Yeah, Ok, lol etc. I even tired talking sex too but, My God, it's hard. lol. I'm such a prude. lol....not really. Everyone online is just looking for a quick hook up in my opinion. What happened to the people who just want to talk? I have really tired to make that human connection online but I have long realized that it's like beating a dead horse. It's not going anywhere. Then again, there are those people who go online and everybody just wants to be their friend. What gives? I get so jealous. I want to feel that too.

Even my family is joining in on the action. I am not really the "lets talk on the phone" kinda guy so I tend to send emails instead. Since recently I have noticed that family/friends/acquaintances that I have been close to are now ignoring my emails (not all of them, some really). I don't know if it's intentional, whether they are busy and can't find the time to write me back or they think I will understand if they don't answer. I don't know!! I just think it's rude. If I was sending them 2 or more emails everyday I would understand the non-response but I don't. If I was saying something really offensive in the emails I would understand but I don't. I don't know what's the problem. Infact I send emails rarely and only if I think that I have not spoken to the person in a while.

I have even started using my instant messenger again to alleviate that non-responsiveness and within 30 minutes of using it I remembered why I hated signing in. Not because you are online it gives you the right to be assholes. People who would never do shit in real life find it perfectly normal to lose their manners online. (God, I sound like a up-tight ass wipe here but I promise I'm not) But seriously, What's wrong with the world. Doesn't anybody use online etiquette?

None of this makes me feel good about myself. I am beginning to think if there is something really wrong with me. Perhaps it would be easier if something was really wrong then I would have something to blame. I have tired changing myself to see if that would make a difference but it doesn't. And honestly, I don't want to change. If you can't like me for me then it is useless being friends or anything else because I am not going to pretend to be a false image of myself to make anybody like me more or feel more attracted to me. Because in the long run I am doing the dis-service to myself. (Perhaps that's my problem. I should just drop all my morals and behave like everybody else)

One of the reasons I even started this blog was to see if I could connect with some real quality people. If I could let out a big laugh right now I would. What a joke. Is anybody even reading this blog? Anyway, despite the absence of readers I still like blogging and I enjoy doing it so I will continue. It helps me vent my frustrations when I have no one to talk to. Which is never!!

I guess that's enough self-loathing for today. Anybody else feel that they are wasting their lives too?