Merry Christmas

Hey Guys. It has been too long since I have last blogged and to be honest I don't feel that bad about it. That's not good!! Am I losing my zeal? Well if that's the case then it shouldn't matter because I don't think anybody is reading anymore. :(

Anyway, I am in Florida right now. It's so nice to get out of the cold for once. Here it's all about sun, sand, sea and sex. Ever heard of it? Well if you are true gays you should. I have finally jumped on the "Queer as Folk" train. That's where I got it from. It's so appropriate isn't it? I just started watching it a few days ago but not sure when I'll finish all 5 seasons. It's pretty long. I am a huge fan of the L Word so I decided to give its male counterpart a chance. Thus far I am enjoying QAF.

Still no love interests or development of one. Boo Hoo. Yeah I already know....my blog is boring. No worries though...when my professor and I start fucking I will write all about it. lol. I think one of my major problems is that I can't make eye contact with guys. I believe eye contact is what makes everything possible and if I can't do that then nothing will ever happen. (Yup, just another stupid excuse). I don't think I am a bad looking guy so why can't I find somebody? My crush said to me, "You are a good looking guy...." and my roommate says to me, "You are a good looking guy...." So what's wrong? My God!! Is it too much to ask to be hit on by a hot guy for ONCE? ONCE!?!!?? I am at my wits end here. I don't know what else to do and the internet thing definitely is NOT my thing.....at all!! I don't want to be a 40 yr old virgin. Am I making a big deal about this? And I don't want to feel so desperate that I sleep with the first person that comes along just so I can get it out of the way. sigh.

My gush I have gone off on a rampage again. Sorry.

So I am going to keep it short (should have) and wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Enjoy the holidays. I love you all. Thanks, Big Kiss and Hug

Taylor Lautner is Gay

So I just finished watching SNL, which is weird because I use to watch it religiously when I was back home but now that I am here in the US I hardly have time to watch anything on a Saturday night. Anyway, I decided I was going to watch SNL tonight because I saw Taylor Lautner was hosting. I have never watched Twilight: New Moon and I am not a fan of the series either. However I am a fan of Lautner. He is one hot piece of man flesh so I couldn't pass up the opportunity to see him shirtless tonight. Unfortunately that did not happen. :(

During this time, he was also Trending on Twitter, which was pretty nice. All the guys crushing on him were utterly excited that all his Characters on SNL were a little gay. Me too.

Anyway, the point I am trying to get at is that I think he is gay. All his sketches had some gay like person in it and I thought he was trying too hard in the opening sketch to be all macho and crap. Furthermore, he is too well put together and too beautiful not to be gay. (Illogical but who cares)

Yes, the sketches could have given an inaccurate depiction of his true self but that came into doubt when SNL give us a behind the scenes snippet of the actors getting ready before the next sketch. Lautner was obviously unaware that the camera was on him and his behaviour was of someone, in my estimation, who was gay. He could never have been acting even when the cameras were not rolling. Couldn't be! Right? Either way it made me happy.

I am not asking anyone if he is gay. I am telling you! That boy is in the closet.

Wouldn't it be nice if he came out and crushed the hearts' of all those little tween girls and old cougars? That would give me so much pleasure.

He's ours bitches. Hands off.

SNOW!!!

So it finally snowed today. This is my first time seeing snow so it's completely amazing to just soak it in. Surprisingly, I was not as excited as I should have been. Perhaps because I saw glimpses of it on and off during the pass 2 weeks so now I'm like....hmmm whatever. lol. Or it could be due to the fact that I am so dog tired. I was actually trying to fight off sleep in class today. That has never happened before. It's Finals week here so everybody is in exam mode and I have work to finish that I fear will never happen on time. I hope I can make it through exam week unscathed because it's going to be rough. Times like these I wish I had a shining Knight to save me. Sigh.

I leave you with two pictures I took this morning.

Let's Dance

So life has become busy once again so I am neck deep in books but I haven't written a post since Thanksgiving so I wanted to provide an update. I guess I'll pick up from where i left off - Thanksgiving.

Surprisingly, I didn't spend Thanksgiving night alone. In fact the gay guy I met at that party along time ago invited me to go with him and his friend to a house for Thanksgiving. (Lets call him Diego, since I talk about him a lot now). His friend was a girl from Mexico who is really fun to hangout with. So my night turned out to be great. There was a lot of food there because the dinner was put together for those people that couldn't go home for Thanksgiving. One of my fears was that I wouldn't get the opportunity to try traditional Thanksgiving food but I was wrong. There was so many different dishes there that my body had trouble finding space to fit all of it. Later, that night his friend and I went back to his apartment to continue hanging out. They are major drinkers so it was a given that I had to drink too. Diego, jokingly said, "We are going to get you drunk tonight". I really didn't take him seriously. We started off with Mojitos, which I didn't like that much, so they decided to switch to another alcoholic beverage. Apparently, Tequila is a major drink in Mexico so Diego's friend went to her house and got a huge bottle of high quality Tequila. We then started doing Tequila shots with Lime and Salt. My God it was Amazing!!! (I think I just found my favourite drink.) We kept doing shot, after shot, after shot until finally we finished the entire bottle. At this point they decided to move on a next drink but I was really out of it by now. I really tried to drink the next one but I couldn't. I started and stopped and decided to head home. I got up to work home and shockingly, I couldn't walk straight. MY GOD I HAVE NEVER been this drunk that I couldn't even walk straight. They kept asking me if I was ok and I told them yes, but obviously I was not. Diego decided to walking me home just in case. The entire time I was like bouncing into him just to keep my stability or falling. After I got home we stood at my door, then he hugged me and kissed me......on my neck. lol. I knew he wanted the lips but I wasn't that drunk. When I got inside I went straight to bed but was afraid to fall asleep because I felt like I was dying. I have never been this drunk. I got home walked around and drank a few glasses of water just in case. It was really bad. I even stopped on the stairs and took a little nap before trying to walk up any further. To make matters worst my Mom called shortly after and all I remember her saying was, "You don't sound right, you don't sound right" I'll call back tomorrow. lol

The next day was black Friday and lets just say I missed all of it. I got up late and couldn't go out to buy anything. It was too late, so I decided to see if I could buy it online. I really wanted an iPod so went to the Apple store and saw they were having "Sale" (Apple doesn't give sales) so decided to buy an iPod anyway since this was the cheapest Apple was ever going to get. It was a choice between the nano or the Touch. After much discussion and advise seeking I decided to go with the Touch. I got my Touch onThursday morning and lets just say...I FREAKING LOVE IT!!! I can finally carry my music with me anywhere I go, as well as dance anywhere with out needing a radio.

So I have mentioned that I do stalk people on Facebook and I guess my stalking paid off this time. lol. I was scoping the page of one of the hot guys and saw that he was going to this Salsa party downtown. I didn't think anything of it until I got an email yesterday advertising it. Again I still didn't think anything of it because there would be no way I could go. It started at 10pm and you guys know how the buses run here already. It sucks. However my roommate comes home and tells me, "I ran into Diego today and he invited me to go to this Salsa thing tonight but I'm not sure if I am going". My roommate was basically going to go based on if I said yes or no, because I was also indirectly invited by Diego he said. I told him I was busy so I wasn't going to go. My roommate then decided to go play soccer. At about a quarter to 10 I got a call and it was Diego. To make a long story short he talked me into going dancing with him and his friend...the Mexican girl. I didn't have a clue how to Salsa but I did have a good sense of rhythm so I decided I was going to try anyway. My main goal for going there however was to get a glimpse of the hottie I was stalking in his natural environment and in those skin tight dancing clothes. Never in a 100 years would I have thought I would get to talk to or even be recognized by this guy because lets be honest, it never happens.

Everyone was paired off dancing (boy-girl) and the men would walk around and ask the women to dance. I found it really difficult to get on the dance floor because of this and it was compounded by the fact that I didn't know how to Salsa. So I didn't do that well in this department. However, the hottie and his hottie friend, who I also recognized from Facebook were there. My table was literally on the dancefloor so there were moments that hottie and his hottie friend would stop right in front my table and show me what they got. It was nice to have an up close and personal view. As the night wore on they started playing music that I could dance to and I tore the floor up. Everybody was watching me. I basically took over the entire dancefloor. THIS WAS MY TIME!!! Hottie and Hottie's friend were also pretty good in this genre too but I matched they both. After the dancing competition between me and them Hottie's friend came up to me and said great job, grabbed my hand, pulled me in, hugged me and patted my back. It was so awesome. I couldn't believe it. I made a impossible connection. After the dancefloor cooled down my friends then told me that I was a great dancer. People have been telling me that alot recently, which I find surprising. I just love to move to music that's all.

I was feeling alot more confident of my abilities and so I went back on the dancefloor and really tried to learn Salsa. I got good comments for it..."You're not bad Dave" The lights finally came on after much dancing and then the party was over. (2:30 am). Since Diego and all his friends were Latino or Spanish they would often divert into Spanish unintentionally. Sometimes they forget I don't speak spanish. I should also mention that when we got to the club we met up with other friends of both Diego and the Mexican chick so there were a lot of people at our table. When it was time to go, home, the Hottie's friend came over and started talking to me. He then said something to me in Spanish and I was like "I don't speak Spanish" and he was like so "How did I see you talking to that guy from Peru?" The fact that he saw me talking to the other guy made me happy. Was he watching me? (I was talking to a hot guy from Peru earlier that night but he was speaking english at the time.) This guy was also a latino but "Muy Caliente". He was very attractive. We just talked, talked talked while everybody else at the table was watching. I felt weird talking to this hot guy at my table while everybody else just kept staring at us. Since we were talking for a while I decided to use my Facebook knowledge to steer the conversation to include stuff the other hot guy was interested in or studying. It worked. And surprise, surprise, Latino hottie then called caucasian hottie over so we all could talk. "You guys have so much in common" he said. Lol. Yeah right....in common. Could this night get any better? I ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL!!! I told him I loved to dance, but more to reggae and dancehall etc and then the hottie (the latino guy) and I started singing out loud to reggae music. It was a lot of fun.

When me finally left. My friends said to me, "That latino guy was so into you. Maybe he wants to recruit you for a dance crew" lol. The latino guy I later found out was a Salsa instructor at our college. He's my age but 2 months younger. That gave me so much pleasure to hear though lol. Usually when stuff like this happen I think it's all in my head but when you hear other people say it you know it's for real. I didn't go to the party to meet him but he was just as hot as the guy I did go there to meet. Who knows? The more I run into the them the more I can manipulate them to my will. (Evil Laugh). And furthermore Caucasian hottie works in the building beside me. I might just start passing through a little more frequently now. My God Facebook is awesome. I swear if you know how to use it the possibilities are endless. lol

I am still in shock that I got to meet them both, much less talk to them.

Also there were alot of other attractive latino guys there. Cute Latino guys. One of them came to my table but I couldn't understand a word he was saying because all of them were speaking spanish. He did however speak English but I find that alot of international students are more comfortable speaking in their own language so I wasn't offended. These are the times I wish I knew Spanish. He took our emails with the promise of contacting us since he was headin back to Peru in 2 weeks. He was so fine. Diego joked that, "These are the young meat we can't touch" since he was young compared to us. Diego had the right idea. That boy was sexy but I never said it openly.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

It's the Holiday season and I am feeling a tiny bit shitty. My first Thanksgiving and I am spending it at home by myself. It is weird, but I shouldn't feel this way. I have never celebrated Thanksgiving in my life so why do I feel weird? Most of my friends have gone home to spend time with their families, including my roommate. It feels all very lonely. Yesterday, the entire school felt like a Ghost town because most of the students had already left for home on the weekend despite the fact that holiday break wasn't given officially until yesterday. There were so many students hopping on the buses yesterday to the Airport it was insane. The bus stops were lined with undergrads going home. And if they weren't at the bus stop they were being picked up by their parents. I must admit, I felt a little jealous and saddened to see everyone go, especially knowing my father lives in New York and couldn't even extend an invitation to me. And he wonders why we don't have a close relationship.

To make matters worst, I was hoping to get a bit of gym time in this week while the mass majority of people were gone. Only to find out yesterday that the gym would be closed for the entire holiday break. WHAT?!! I couldn't believe my eyes. It SUCKS!! The gym is entirely student run so I understand why they needed to close it, but come on. What about us that remain? Aren't we entitled to use it too even if everybody else has left?

My day was however brightened a bit when I saw a hot guy's cock. We were the only ones in the locker room. I didn't even know anybody else was in there. I went into the bathroom, he came in the bathroom (in a towel). I left the bathroom, he left the bathroom. He went into the shower and I went back to the bathroom. When I was coming back towards the lockers he was standing in such a way that his entire frontal region was right in your face. I don't know if it was intentional but I saw EVERYTHING and it was very nice. The water cascading down is hot body was so amazing. If he had even slightly motioned to me to join him I would have. But he didn't.... so I left. :(That sexy image is still burned into my brain.

On a more light hearted note, I got my Driver's permit today. World watch out, I am back on the road bitches. Not really, I still need a car to do that. I am happy though because I was really stressing out about the exam. Thankfully it was easy. Life is so weird. I have often watched TV shows of Americans going to the DMV, partying, playing beer pong, hooking up, protesting etc and I thought I will never experience that. So wrong, with each day I spend in the US it all comes. I love it.

Anyway, have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING. Make more of it than I am.

Overreacted?

So I might have over-reacted a bit last night, with good reason. I don't know. The more and more I live my life, the more and more I realize that it's never going to change. God I wish I had a Gay Mentor who could guide me through all this crap.

Last night in my fit of rage I forgot to mention that the party wasn't all that bad. Now that I am more calm I think I would attend another one if they had it. Before the madness starts. Drugs are things I am strongly against. Try to make me use them and you and I are not going to be friends. What you want to do with your body is your business. Don't pull me into it. Anyway, that's why you should never say or make rash decisions when you are angry. You always regret them. I left on good terms with everyone and that was a plus. The party was organized by a lesbian and so a lot of gay guys and lesbians were there. Yeah...don't ask me why I never made out with anyone ok? Nobody seemed interested in me or they had their partners there. Hmmmmm...whatever. From what I have heard, she throws wild parties....[no shit....I saw it first hand. They are beyond wild.] There were some good moments though. For one Emily was there. She was great as usual but big surprise, she brought her boyfriend. :( Bummer. For someone at her standard I was a little startled by the looks of her boyfriend. Not what you would expect. The fact that she didn't have physical hang ups made me like her even more. In fact the guy I was crushing on at the party, (the one who said he was going to try the cocaine) also liked her too. I over heard him saying to his friend, "What is she doing with him?" In my mind I was asking myself the same question. I am well aware this is pretty judgmental but for a girl like Emily, you would understand if you saw them together. Huge gap.

On his Facebook the cute guy says he is straight. Hmmmm...idk. He is really hot though and came with his best friends, who I know for sure is a closet gay. There is no doubt in my mind. They could be dating secretly, I don't know. It however gives me hope that he might also be gay. We were smiling back and forth with each other the entire night before me finally decided to talk to each other. The cute guy and I were talking a lot, which I loved. Even to the point where the best friend was trying to get his attention or make a comment in our conversation but was constantly being cut off by the cute guy. (Loved it). When it was time for him to leave we exchanged names again and would you believe it... he actually wrote my name down in his phone. I don't know if he did that for anybody else but it felt good. I had hoped he would have gone a step further and asked me for my number. Oh well. That would have made my night.

Not everybody was doing "stuff" I didn't approve of though. However I am happy to report that Emily and those persons I seemed to have spoken to pretty well during the party left before the madness started.

The American culture is sucking me in too quickly. Can you imagine they wanted me to play beer pong. ME! BEER PONG! My system was in shock from the 3 beers plus I had previously. It would have been suicide to do beer pong. I had to stand firm and say "Seriously people. It would be too much" What is getting me worried is that, I even drank these beers without trouble, plus straight vodka (that got a huge laugh from everybody. Apparently no one drinks Vodka straight unless they want to be wasted in a few minutes. I don't drink, so I didn't know you should mix it with something else first). Plus I also drank a bunch of other alcoholic shit without trouble. When did I start drinking so heavily. This is not me. My mom would die if she knew that I was doing.

Party Gone Wrong

OK, so it's after 4 am right now and I have just returned from a party that went horribly, horribly wrong. I am extremely tired right now but I thought this was something that could not wait until morning, (it's practically light soon anyway).

A friend and I decided to go to a party we were invited to earlier last week. He was not sure he wanted to go anymore but he called me a hour before it was slated to start, which was at 8 and said he changed his mind. I told him I was sleeping and tired but I would go with him. I really wish I had stayed in bed and didn't go. (I don't even know if I have the strength to write about this now.)

Initially we decided that we were not going to stay long. The last bus leaving downtown to where we lived was about midnight so I didn't carry any cash on me or anything because I didn't think I would need it. Students travel free. I did however bring my credit card. It wasn't of any use though.

The long and short of it was that there was huge, huge, HUGE major drug usage at that party. Almost every fucking person in there was using fucking drugs. MY GOD!! Everybody warned me that this college was known for it's drug usage but I thought that was just an unsubstantiated joke. I never thought that I would be ever placed in a position where I would have to deal with hardcore drugs. I WAS SO FUCKING WRONG!! I am so pissed at myself. At the beginning of the party everybody was drinking alcohol, which is pretty standard. I drank alot more than I should but people were getting freakin wasted early. I mean really wasted. Vomiting everywhere and shit. It was a mess. As the night progressed everyone there realized that I wasn't really one of them. And that's when they began to ostracize me. Even my fucking friend was ignoring me. If I went towards a group of people talking everybody would like immediately disperse and leave me there all myself. Nobody really came over and spoke to me even if I was standing there all by myself. Initially I thought that it was because I wasn't social enough. I really wanted to go home but slowly almost every fucking person in the party was loosing their god damn minds. I really didn't understand why but all I knew was that I REALLY WANTED to go. I didn't have any cash and the last bus home had left hours ago so I was stranded there at the mercy of my so called friend. I thought it was the alcohol at first but then I started talking to this really hot guy in the living room and he started mentioning all these drugs, cocaine, K (whatever that was) and a bunch of other shit that he was going to try. I was like what? Are you serious. He was out of his fucking mind already too. It was obvious he was doing drugs with everybody else. I didn't see them doing it but I know they were. Then a group of them were outside talking and then all of a sudden I see all of them staring at me. It was like they were talking about me and laughing. Then those that could not see me from outside came to the door and looked, laughed and then I knew that they were definitely talking about me. I was really hurt because "my friend" who was also outside with them and he was laughing too. All of them were laughing, talking and staring at me. I know they were like bashing me or whatever. I lost all respect for them at that moment. People I have class with and I spoke to were outside bashing me. I KNOW IT!!

When they all came in they all started treated me weird and NO ONE made eye contact with me. Yeah, whatever they were saying outside it must have been pretty nasty since none of them could look me in the eye. "MY friend" didn't even look at me either. I was like ok. At that point I really wanted to leave. I couldn't so I went outside to sit down by myself because I couldn't be around them anymore. I just sat in the cold by myself. When I came back inside all of them had gone upstairs. My friend however was still downstairs. He didn't look so good so I asked him if he was ok. He then like went off on me as if I had said something bad to him. He like cursed me off literally. They way he acted you would have sworn I killed his mother or something. It was so hurtful. I asked him if he was ready and he like said, "What the fuck is wrong with you. NOO!!!" I realized that he was doing the drugs like everybody else so I didn't get upset. Also I knew there were alot of people having sex upstairs too. So they were all doing drugs and having sex. THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST EXPERIENCE FOR ME HERE. People I have class with who should know better were doing it too. But what hurts the most is how everybody treated me. And it was alot of people. It really wasn't a small group at all.

To make matters worst is that while I was in the living room sitting down all by myself these two guys from another college came over and said to me, "We heard they were doing drugs here blah blah blah" I could see that they had been doing some shit too. They were out of their minds. They were coming from another party down the street according to them and got kicked out. This could not have gotten any fucking worst.

Everybody there was also smoking weed from early too. Finally after some persistence I told my friend we need to go. He wanted to crash at the house until morning but I told him he need to get home. I took his cash from him and called the cab to pick us up. He took so much shit that when he got out of the taxi the first thing he did was vomit right at the door. It was terrible. I wanted to make sure he got home ok so I walked him to his apartment, which was a distance off. He tried to apologize for his behaviour but honestly I didn't care. When he was in front of his friends he treated me like shit and now he tries to apologize. Anyway, when I saw that he got in ok, I walked back to my apartment in the dark, in the cold all by myself.


NEVER FUCKING AGAIN!! I can't believe they treated me like that. If I knew it was a drugs and sex party I would never have gone. I can't look these people in the face on Monday morning and still respect them. There is so much more that happened but I am not even going to write about it. It's almost 5 freakin am now.

Lunch with Emily

It's a Friday night and I just came back from a Movie and a Dinner with friends. My head is killing me, i feel sick and I have the hiccups so lets see if I can get through this painlessly.

My day started off typically. Getting up, competing with my roommate for the bathroom, eating breakfast then spending half an hour trying to decide what to wear. So yesterday, I went shopping at Kohl's for a winter jacket (yes I have a lot now) but as usual, ended up buying a tonne more stuff than I initially intended. When I see clothes that I love it's hard for me to pass it up. One of the items I bought was a plaid shirt which was purple, black and grey. It's Amazing. I also saw a great pair of gloves on sale. I just had to grab it even though I wasn't shopping for gloves. However when I got home I realized that the gloves were nowhere to be found. I checked my bill and thankfully they were not cashed. So this morning I decided that I was going back to Kohl's immediately after class to get it, since only 2 were left yesterday. Suffice, to say I got the last one on the rack. YEAHH!! Sadly, I ended up buying more clothes again. Didn't I buy enough yesterday? And I still have Abercrombie and Fitch, American Eagle, Pac Sun etc to buy stuff from. Yup I love to shop. Of the items I bought, I have to say my favourite is the Washed blue jeans. I was hesitant to buy it because of the price but now, I don't regret the purchase. They look great on my ass. Infact I think it's going to be my favourite pair of jeans from now on. Surprisingly, I must have missed the tag on the inside of the jeans, it read "Low Cut Booty Jeans for Young Men". I cracked up when I saw it. If I had seen the tag before, I would never have bought it, but thankfully I didn't. I love it. My ass is like, WOW. LOL. Perhaps these are the clothes I should me buying. It's not a girly jeans for the record. I also really need some good pair of shoes to go with all these clothes I am buying. What's a good outfit without proper shoes? Anyway, my winter wardrobe is coming along well. If there is anything gay about me, it's this.

Anyway, I spent a little longer (Lie....much longer) than expected at Kohl's so I had to rush back to school to get my experiments off the ground. However I was feeling hungry so I went to the Cafeteria to grab some food first. I really had alot to do so I decided to take my food to go. This almost never happens since I love to sit in the dining area and look at the hot guys walk by. I left the Cafeteria but realized that I had no fork. Went back for the fork but changed my mind mid second. So I decided to stay and eat. When I sat down at my table, I looked up and who was that waving to me? EMILY!! I looked to see if anybody was sitting with her. No one was. This must have been my lucky day. I took my food up, walked over and asked her if I could join her. She said yes.

We started talking and shortly afterwards, who comes up beside me? The Jamaican guy that has be constantly bothering me to have lunch with him. He said, "I saw you from outside and decided to come in. Creepy. He then says, "Do you have plans for Thanksgiving?" I told him no. He then says, "You have to come over to my house then. I usually invite friends over for a feast". I was getting tired of him, asking me out for food so I told him that I would come. I hope he doesn't try any funny busy while I am in his house. He gives me the creeps and people rarely give me that sensation. Doesn't he see I don't want to have lunch or anything with him? Anyway he left.

So while I was getting to know Emily better, I see her divert her eyes away from me and then once again immediately after that. Instantly I knew this couldn't be good. She must have seen someone who was more interesting that I was or I was boring her. I turn around to see who it was and was surprised to find out it was five "someones". Her little Boyfriend Squad was walking over to ruin my little party. At this point I must mention that Emily is white and blond. She is gorgeous. And the nuisances walking towards us were all white too. Awkward. Surrounded by all these white people. These little fuckers just kept chatting her up while I sat there. In my head I was saying, "Leave Assholes. This is my time. You see her in class all the fucking time. Talk to her then!!!" To make matters worst they then sat down with their lunches.What the hell were they doing? God, they didn't plan on leaving.

After about 20 minutes I got tired of waiting on them to leave so I decided I would. I had an experiment to run in 5 minutes anyway so it wasn't like I was chickening out of a challenge. I told Emily I had to run and politely nodded to the little fuckers who came and destroyed my one on one with her. I was so pissed.

Later that day, in a completely unrelated story, I was on the Bus going home and saw a guy I speak to on and off on occasion. He is what you would call the Grad. Student RA for the complex I live in. As such I run into him more often than not. He is my age too and his behavior sometimes often strikes me as weird because that's not something someone of our age and maturity do. I was not really in the mood to sit an chat because I had just come from the gym and I was tired. All I wanted to do was sit back, relax and listen to my music. However the best seat left was in the back of the bus near to him. NOO!! I went and sat there anyway and acknowledged him in the process. 45 seconds later he gets up from his seat, which I might add is on the other side of the bus, and sits down right beside me. He then says, "Who are you dating? Somebody told me you are dating someone". Honestly his question threw me for a loop. It was a bit surprisingly for him to ask me such a question unprovoked. I was like, "Ahhhhhh...what? He then says again, "Are you dating anybody?" To which I responded, "I am not dating anybody. Whoever told you that is lying." He then smiles and says, "That's Good". I was a little shocked that, that was his reply. But with these Americans I don't know. I've learnt that it doesn't mean he's gay. Honestly I don't think he is gay. He's just weird. He laughs at everything I say, literally...it's kind of annoying. My instincts are usually correct with these things as I said before. He's just weird. He then says, "Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving? I am having something in my Apartment" Oh My God, not another person trying to get me to go to Thanksgiving again. (I have had a lot more invites than the two I mentioned here). I told him I didn't celebrate Thanksgiving and furthermore, I might be going to someone else's house....(aka the Creepy Old Jamaican Guy). "Too bad. It would have been nice having you there" he says. Sorry I replied. Can't be in two places at once. Anyway, as I said before we live in the same building so we chit-chatted until we got to his apartment...I had to pass it on the way to mine unfortunately. I sound rude and insensitive here I know. I was just tired and cranky that I didn't get to relax for a few minute on the bus.

Alot of you might, say this might be the reason I am single but I just can't go into a relationship or at least try to build one with some I am not attracted to. It's just too much work. Why can't it ever be the other way around, where I am attracted to the person? AWWWW!!!

This is all speculation though. I have no concrete evidence that either of these guys are gay. But overall it was a pretty good day.

Bedtime!!

Going Straight

"I know this picture looks like it's a little girl but I couldn't help but put it up. Doesn't she look Adorable?"

For the first time in a really long time I am free from school work so I am just going to write a light-hearted post tonight. Well as light hearted as I can get anyway. I have refrained from mentioning the loads of stress I have been under recently because I think you guys have endured enough of my rants and babbles about drowning in school work.

So, as the titles says, I am giving up on guys. It's time to go straight! Girls are known to be complicated, that's a given, but whoever said guys weren't? Guilty parties, you need a wake up call. They are just as bad, especially the gay ones. I can't find a man so I guess it's time to find a woman. I can't waiting around for one to drop into my lap anymore.

To be honest, I think I might be somewhat of a Bisexual. Don't quote me on it because this might just be a phase. But recently, I have been really attracted to this girl. "Ewwwww Gross!" lol. I have been attracted to girls before but not that much that I would classify myself as being straight or Bi. I wanted to remain true to the gay aspect of my blog, since afterall it is a gay blog not a straight one, but this is something I could not ignore. From the first day she spoke to me I was like, "You are Fucking Hot". After the first conversation I had with her I was left with a huge grin on my face that lasted for hours. I was happy I guess. Since then everytime I have seen her I think about having sex with her. This is so confusing. Why won't my dick make up it's freakin' mind? I don't really believe I am straight and I don't really believe I am Bi either. I think this might just be a stage of curiosity.

This girl is like utterly amazing. She looks like a God-damn supermodel. At one point I was tempted to ask her if anybody has ever told her how beautiful she is. However I resisted the urge. Stuff I normally do to get the attention of boys I do with her. Yeah, I know!! Weird. Like bump into them accidentally or go somewhere you know you will meet/see them or better yet where they will see you. Even though we are in labs on the same floor, I hardly get to see her. So anytime I do run into her it's always a treat. I often keep my eyes and ears open just in case I hear her walking pass my lab. If I do I usually like casually walk outside just in time to intercept her in the hallway, "Oh Hi Emily....." then behave as if I didn't know she was out there...lol. It's so weird. Gay guys don't do that. I would really like to fuck her though. Just to see what it's like.

I think all of this is stemming for sex starvation. I want to do it so badly that I am about ready to get it from anywhere, even if that means a girl. Sometimes I have fantasies of ramming my dick into her vagina so hard that it makes she screams. (I feel so dirty writing that) lol. Perhaps it's due to all the straight porn I have been watching recently. It sounds nasty but it's not at all bad. Actually it's pretty exciting. It works just as well for me as the gay stuff.

Guys Shape up!! You don't want all this goodness to start getting with girls do you? LOL LOL. Just to keep me holding on a little longer here are some fine ass guys, I found that reminded me of what being attracted to men usually feels like.

Update on People Anxiety

So yesterday I spoke about how I think I was consciously sabotaging my relationships with current friends as well as with potential new ones. Well today it was evident that I am doing just that.

One of the guys I wrote yesterday, the one I begged to write me back if he was reading, did. In the email he said, "Sorry to have Bothered you". I read his email and shaked my head in dismay. I did it again. [Sigh]

I then wrote him back, explaining that it was never my intention to give him the impression that I was turning a cold shoulder. To which he responded, "I understand". I then said " I really hope you do. Don't be a stranger you seem to be a nice guy". It then took a turn for the worst, in which he basically thrown my kindness, or at least what I thought was kindness, back into my face....."If you can't make time for me then why should I make time for you. Just being real", he says. It sounded reasonable enough but the tone was all wrong. I have too much going on in my life to be concerned with the "drama" of a faceless individual. That friendship is pretty much dead in the water now for all I care.

Interacting with people you meet online can be so tricky. I never have any idea what they expect. And if it means I have to leave my comfort zone to let it work or you can't wait until I can leave my comfort zone then it's not going to happen between you and I. It's unfortunate yes, because many of these people "seem" nice but until I can trust you. You aren't getting shit from me.

Oh well relationship are not for everybody.

People Anxiety

I don't know if anybody else suffers from this but I have huge people anxiety. I honestly think it's going to destroy my life if I don't find a way to correct it, or at least try to overcome it. Anytime, something in my life begins to move into a new stage or starts becoming better, I find some way to destroy it or hinder it. I don't know why I do it. I just do. I just can't bring myself to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

A few weeks ago a very nice guy wrote me a sweet email, not sure if I mentioned it before, complimenting me etc and he seemed pretty ok. And I turned around and basically, in not so many words, told him to take a hike, I am not interested. Albeit he never wrote back. What the hell is wrong with me? Tonight too I went to a huge party on campus and there was this other sweet guy that always flirts with me, I mentioned him before too. I talked about him in that post where I went to his house and got drunk. He flirts with me all the time and he is so nice. He is also gay and I know he is interested in me but I can't bring myself to take it to the next stage. I just can't. Tonight again, another guy wrote me an email, telling me that he wants to get to know me better. And I wrote a not so very encouraging email back....(CRYING)...telling him why I can't do what he asks but still not concrete enough to justify not doing it. If I really cared I would say, "Screw this. Of course I'll do it". (If you are reading this please write me back. I was completely honest)

To make matters worst. I just wrote an email to one of my friends, telling him I couldn't do something because of this very problem. He is actually the one that prompted this post. I feel horrible for doing it but I can't understand why I can't do it. It's not even that hard for God sake. Only a few minutes of my so called "busy time". He is definitely going to think I am blowing him off because I don't want to talk to him. :( Not so at all.

I think all the problems I encounter and all the dissatisfaction I feel with my life is caused by me and not those around me. I swear, I just have this affinity to self-sabotage anything that goes good.

[I know many of you are annoyed with how vague I am many of the times. I AGREE!!! It's not the best way to run a blog but I guess it should be expected from a Closet Gay Blog right? I honestly can't divulge many of the details about my life here because I usually express my true feelings about a situation and I don't think I could handle the World Wind of Hell that would result if someone I knew found out about what happens in my life or how I really feel about them. Basically, this Blog is an open book to my head so I have to monitor what I say and how I say it. Which is becoming increasingly difficult to execute the more people I meet through my blog. ]

Pet Peeves and Dislikes

There are a couple of things I want to talk about tonight. The first of which is my roommate. I think I've mentioned him before but if not, Yippee for you, tonight's your night. My roommate is a pretty decent guy. I haven't had any huge problems with him thus far and those issues I do have with him are the usual stuff you would expect from having any roommate. Despite this, he seems to drive me out of my freakin' mind. When I come home from a hard day at school I want my home to be My Home. Not your home, not our home but MY Home. When I come home I want to relax and do what makes me feel comfortable. If I want to walk around naked, which I find very un-restricting, I can do so without having to worry that someone will come through the front door and find me in my birthday suit. If I want to play my music until the house vibrates I can. If I want to sleep in the Living Room I can. If I put my butter in the fridge I don't have to be upset the next day when I find that half of it is missing. I don't have to walk behind anyone and pick up anything. Roommates are just a nuance to me. I seriously want to move out and find a place of my own but unfortunately the downside to this is that all the household expenses double, which leaves me with less money in my pocket at the end of the day. It absolutely sucks that I can't have the best of both Worlds. Honestly, I don't know how some of you guys live with 3, 4 and God forbid, 5 roommates. Anything beyond 2 and I would start going mad. I can't even stand one much less.


I am not sure if I can call this next part a pet peeve or even a dislike but I am going to write about it anyway. I might step on a few toes in this one. :( So my urges have led me to start trolling gay sites again, (like I ever stopped). And during my searches I have often come across amazing pictures of good looking gay guys. There are so many of them online that it is sometimes extremely hard for me to believe that they do exist, (Then again, this is the internet.....everybody lies so much that I can't even tell who is real or not anymore.) But these men are to die for. Sometimes, I just look at their pictures and sigh because I know it's never going to happen. Also, I have found myself visiting Craigslist a lot more frequently. I don't think I will ever reply to any of the Ads but I am drawn there out of mere curiosity. The stuff people write is just insane. There is however one reoccurring theme I have noticed in both these Ads and profiles. Can you guess what it is?

NO Blacks, NO Asians, NO Old Guys, No Fatties, NO Femmes, I'm Straight-Acting, I'm Masculine etc

Firstly, what the hell is Straight-Acting? Is it another way of say, "I don't act like a faggy sissy boy. I am a heterosexual look alike." How does straight come into it? I always thought that we were all fucking other guys. Doesn't that make us all fags? I guess I was wrong.

On some very very rare occasion I have had the opportunity to meet one or two of these "Straight-Acting" muscle guys outside of the cyber world but when you meet them, you are like really? You? Straight-Acting? Honestly, I have never really considered myself to be straight acting but I am definitely more straight acting than some of these guys who claim to be. I guess what I am trying to see is that not everyone on the internet who professes to behave straight does. Therefore if there are inconsistencies in what they say then there are definitely inconsistencies in other things as well. You never really know with people you correspond with online.

However what really gets my motor running are those men who discriminate based on race. I am not telling you who to like, I am just saying it's not kool. Don't put it on your profile even if you think it. It makes you seem narrow-minded, which, Big surprise...you are. I would assume that those men who stipulate these conditions have never been discriminate against, whether it was their age, their sex, a physical disability, whatever. Otherwise you would have thought twice about making your dislike public. It's not a very happy feeling to tell some they aren't good enough. And the fact that many of these online sites are filled with these men who stipulate these conditions doesn't make life any easier. My God it's Hopeless everywhere!!!

It would be very hypocritical of me if I said that stipulating all your requirements is utterly distasteful but i can't, because I do understand where these guys are coming from. For one, it eliminates all the undesirables, so their time isn't "wasted" talking to someone who isn't worth their time....yes it's harsh but it's reality. I myself think like this at times but frankly you can't help who you like. And some guys don't really have the patience to beat about the bush so they tell you up front. Personally, I wish I could adopt this approach but I am not a cold-hearted bastard. There has to be a nicer way of telling someone you are just not interested without sounding like a complete dick. Stipulations like these, obviously don't go over well with me. Not being given a chance because you are black, asian, fem, old, whatever is total bull shit.

Finally, there are those that look down on others because they have headless pics. Give me a God damn break. It's not like any gay guy was born "Out". All you assholes were in the closet at least once too so don't behave that you are better than everybody else because your face is showing. Infact you should be more understanding of what it takes to reach your level of comfort.


I swear, sometimes this "Gay Community" crap can be so pointless. It's just a bunch of insensitive jerks, insensitive jerk wannabe's and those brain-dead zombies that follow them......(yes doesn't apply to everybody).

Delinquent

The more and more I become settled here, the more and more I have less time to blog. That's terrible. I don't want to become one of those bloggers who blogs every now and again. I usually hated blogs like those. And sadly mine is turning into one.

So what have I been doing? Well..trying to survive school for one, but I won't get into that tonight. Just did three exams back to back on Tuesday and Wednesday and not looking forward to the next one, a week from now. Anyway, in one of my posts I mentioned that I drank so much alcohol that I kinda lost my senses for a while. I don't know what's happening to me. I never usually drunk alcohol. My friends are a bad influence on me. Now I am doing it regularly. Damn American Culture.

Last night I had dinner with my friends at a Thai restaurant, the food was absolutely amazing by the way. I had duck and it was spicy and delicious. I was in heaven. So we all got Beers, on the house, and can you imagine I finished my mine before all the other "Long time drinkers". I felt myself getting a little mellow so I knew I should stop before I got out of line. Never in a million years would I have thought I would get tipsy. It's a weird feeling but, I always feel happy, boisterous and a little unable to restrain myself when I am in this state. One of my other friends though was totally wasted. It was hilarious watching him act crazy. He was clearly out of his mind. All he could talk about was how long it has been since he last got pussy. lol. I was dying from laughter. And he is the reserved type of guy who you wouldn't expect to say stuff like that. It's so fun to play with drunk people. In my mind, I was saying, "I want some dick but you don't see me complaining". Now that I think about it, that's a lie. I complain about not getting any dick all the time. lol

So many of you might not be into appearances, that's fine, but I am. I always have to look good when going out, even if it's just a 1 hour class. You never know who you might run into on that particular day, and I am talking hot guys here, and you have to leave an impression. If he's gay make he want to fuck you right there. lol. So I was really in need of some winter clothes so I went shopping today. I went out with the intention of just shopping and not looking at the prices. Just Buy, Buy, Buy. And I did just that. When I got home I was totally happy. All my clothes looked AWESOME on me. Thinking about it now makes me giggle. For someone who is doing their first winter clothes shopping I am doing great. I plan to get two more winter jackets though or perhaps three. lol. I have six already. Don't judge me. I love clothes. I came across a Columbia Store recently and went inside to look around and fell in love with a winter coat there. I am definitely going back for it this week. It's so amazing. I also want a "The North Face" jacket but they are so damn expensive. I swear "The North Face" is a cult here. Everywhere I go I see it. People just buy it or fun I guess. I also want one of those high fashion coats. Saw a few, but not the style I was hoping for. I will keep looking. It will look so great with some of the other purchases I will be making in a few weeks. Yes...I do love clothes. I hate to mention this too but I also saw a suede jacket in Old Navy that I also love. The design and color were perfect but suede tends to attract a lot of lint which really detracts for the jacket. I don't know if I want to pay so much for a jacket and then have to go through so much trouble to clean it each time. No way. if it were a different material it would've already been in my closet. Over the next few weeks I will be building my Winter Wardrobe and I am totally excited. It's going well thus far. Lets keep our fingers crossed that it remains so. I guess it makes more sense now, why when they robbed my house a few months ago they made off with my clothes too. Assholes! My clothes are expensive and they look good.

As for meeting a guy. Has not happened....yet. I am still hopeful. I should be able to find someone I am attracted to who is also attracted to me in return right? lol....I laugh because I know the answer to this. If not, I might just kidnap one of those hot boys from the gym locker-room, tie him up in my room and have my way with him. lol...then go to prison where they will have their way with me. lol. I always wonder, "Why are so many hot gay guys single?"...it's an enigma.

Anyway, I am off. This week is going to be very hectic for me too so I might not be able to post in a while. I will not be going to school on Thursday or Friday because I will be going to a Ski Resort for some fun. I am so excited, which also explains why I went shopping for a few winter clothes today. On Saturday I also have a Halloween Party. Not sure how that's going to go. Shit that means I will have to do laundry tomorrow. Oh snap! Totally slipped my mind. Won't have time this week or next weekend.

Facebook Makes the World Small

The more and more I meet people, the more and more I realize how small a World I live in. It's ridiculous.

I usually hate my weekends here because I never usually have anything to do but school work. At least during the week I can go somewhere with my friends if I am bored. So not wanting to feel bored this weekend I decided that I was going to go to a function they had on campus. None of my friends were there so as usual I went and sat by myself. The table I sat at was huge and I was the only one sitting there so it made me feel even more awkward than I already felt. Luckily a few minutes later I saw two of my friends come in and I motioned to them to come over and sit with me. These are people I talk to pretty well so I was excited that I finally had some good company to enjoy with the free food. I didn't even have a ride back home so seeing them made it even more serendipitous. Anyway, in my last post I mentioned that before I came here I was stalking a few hot guys on Facebook, "Stalking Tony". So while I was having a good chat with my friends, 4 very hot guys came and sat at our table. The cutest guy I recognized immediately....I even knew his name out of my head. (Yeah, I really sound like a stalker). I had seen his picture on Facebook everytime I searched and he was even hotter in person. He was latino and he dressed well....OMG that boy was hot. I was even more delighted when he sat right beside me. I could have just reached over and put my hand on his crotch or smell is neck if I wanted to. He was sitting that close. The other guys were utterly hot too. There was another latino guy and two very attractive black guys. One of the black guys seemed very familiar but I couldn't put my finger on it. As the night progressed, they started to play a Jamaican song and I saw him singing it and then it clicked. He was also one of the guys I saw on Facebook and I remembered he had some Jamaican heritage too. So i asked him, 'Are you Jamaican?" and he said "I was born there". I then said that was great. I really didn't want to give off the wrong vibe so I stopped the conversation there. The other black guy sitting beside him was even sexier. My friend who was sitting beside me was crushing on him hard. I had just cut my hair earlier that day, by myself i might add, so I was feeling very self conscious about it. We both saw how the black guy's hair was neat and pretty and she decided to use that has a spring board to strike up a conversation with him. I was like don't do it please, but she wouldn't listen. He was too hot to resist. I must admit all the guys were very good looking but I knew nothing would have come from sitting at a table with them because I distinctly remember their Facebook saying straight. I am not chasing any straight guys. Not worth it. Oh well, perhaps I'll see them around again...they are here for a couple more years. lol

I also had another party to attend shortly after this one so when I got home I rushed into my apartment, grabbed the wine I bought earlier that day and went to the next party. I don't drink alcohol so it was more of a courtesy. This party was being hosted by one of the gay guys I met a few weeks ago and and he had invited a couple other friends over. Later I found out that it was actually his birthday. Anyway, the party was dubbed, Wine Tasting, so everybody brought a bottle of wine or fancy cheese. When I got there quite a few people were already there but as the night progressed tonnes of people showed up, more than I thought would have been there. From the get go I was drinking wine every minute. I never liked drinking alcohol, at all, but I found myself drinking so much. I had a few (8) glasses of wine and I slowly felt myself getting weird. I was a little more giggly and a little unbalanced. I had to sit down a few times. It got so bad that I accidentally knocked a glass from one of my friends hands and cut my hand. Luckily the cut wasn't too bad. Thank God. At that point I knew I had to stop drinking...I think I was tipsy. The birthday guy was like filling up my glass all the time and I had to tell him to stop. I didn't feel well. He then said I could sleep here if I wanted. He was hitting on me the entire night. Forcing me to dance with him, Kissing my neck, rubbing my abs/stomach and smiling with me, holding me by my waist, kissing my neck again and all that other stuff people do while flirting. I must admit that feeling is facial hair on my neck felt freaking awesome. I really wasn't attracted to him so I didn't want to give him the wrong signals. He was Latino too but he was not as hot as the latino guy that was sitting beside me earlier that night. If that guy had hit on me then I would definitely be rolling around with somebody last night. :D. My God he was so hot. As the night wore on I was feeling really tired and a little bit sick so I decided to leave and go to bed. There was also a white girl there that was hitting on me. She even took my hat away and wore it the entire night. She too was also trying to get me to dance. To be honest, I couldn't stand being hit on by these two people. It was too much and too conflicting. Should I act straight and flirt with the girl? Or should I just indulge the guy and show that I am gay? None of it was working for me so I just decided to leave.

When I got home I went on Facebook and found all the names of the guys that were sitting at my table. It so happens that while I was going through their friends list I noticed a pic of a girl I saw at the Health Center a few weeks ago. I thought she was amazingly hot when I saw her. I don't think that about girls so you know she was good looking. It turns out that this girl is also Jamaican. What are the odds? lol. Trust me Facebook connects the world. You find connections you never knew existed with that thing.

So that was my night.

Stalking Tony

Before I came here, to the University, I usually searched Facebook for cute guys that attended the school. On occasion I would find a few hot guys but it so happened that when I checked their profiles they were all straight. However there was one hot guy that wasn't straight. He had Sex: Male, Interested In: Men. I was shocked to finally find a Hot, Open, Gay guy here. I was so happy. I don't know why I was happy but I was happy. It's not like I was ever going to meet him so I didn't get too overly crazy about findiing a Hot gay guy. Sadly, from then until now I have found myself occasionally checking his Facebook page.....aka everyday....to see what he is up to.

Only 3 days ago I was talking to one of my readers (AXORIAN) and I mentioned to him that I was stalking someone from my University. He then said to me, "Is the guy ok with you stalking him. To which I responded, "I have never even met him muchless seen the guy in person. I've only ever seen him on Facebook". Well all of that changed the day after. Yeah...I know pretty weird.

So i was walking to one of the buildings on campus and I see this guy in a red pants and Black and White Plaid shirt walking towards me. Just the day before My advisor asked me what type of clothes do Jamaicans wear and I told her bright festive colours. To which she responded you won't see that here. Everyone wears dull colours...blacks, greys, dark blues etc. So i decided to put her theory to the test. So on this particular day I was looking at the type of clothes the students were wearing around campus and it so happens my advisor was correct. Seeing this guy wearing a red pants just catch my eye. This was not the norm. I didn't even look at his face. I was just looking at the clothes. Then my eyes worked its way up to his Face. I almost died. It was Tony. I was screaming in my head, "IT'S TONY, IT'S TONY" I can't believe I got to see him in person. I just kept looking back to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Honestly I thought that was the first and last time i was going to see him.

Today, I went to the gym, working on arms and who comes and sits right across from me? You got it...Tony. I was saying this was too good to be true. I saw him for the first time yesterday and now he is sitting across from me. He was working on his abs. And trust me I have seen them on Facebook......They are great. This must be faith, I thought. For the rest of the time I was just watching every move he made. I couldn't help myself. Anyway, I hope I will see him again. Maybe I will get the courage to say hi or just bump into him, "accidentally". lol. Or perhaps not do anything. He didn't look in my direction so that's enough for me to know, "Look he's not interested".

Also I must also mention that one of the hot guys (one of the really hot ones) I came across during my search on Facebook, is in my class. I literally wrote his name down while I was in Jamaica so I wouldn't forget it. So imagine my surprise when he walked into one of my classes. I have spoken to him a couple times but he is not the type to come to class frequently and he is straight so I haven't even bothered working on him. I am done running after straight guys.

So that's that. I finally saw the guy I have been stalking for weeks now. I feel good. I just thought I would share it.

Stop the School....I want to Party

Crying...(drying my tears).... then crying some more

The paragraph you see below is a blog post I was writing about one and a half weeks ago but never got to finish.

"Once again I am on the rush. It's now a litte after 2 am and I have class pretty early today so can't blog long. I was suppose to spend a relaxing day at home blogging on Saturday, but I guess you guys know what happened. Today should have also been a relaxing day at home but got up late and then had to hitch a ride to the library to study for an exam I have on Wednesday. I don't know shit for that paper. I am scared.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was that TV is"

Then I went to bed...I was just too tired to finish it.

I really can't explain what kind of stress I am under right now. This is definitely not undergrad anymore. These people don't lie when they say, "Grad school is a lot of work". I know I have said this a million times, but I really had no clue what I was getting myself into when I decided to go to Grad School.

Despite the tonne of work I have to do I am going to try and blog for a few minutes and not think about the mass of work I have piled up on my desk right now, which is due for tomorrow. Today, I went to school at 7 am and got home at 6pm. The first 3 hours were spent in class, the next five in the Medical library doing shit I don't know the first thing about, and the remaining hours spent in an Analytical Class, where your brian has to be firing every second just in case the professor picks on you to explain "The new Model of Cell Growth" :( ....yeah I didn't know. Just to give you an idea of how much I had to do, I will tell you I had a light breakfast about 7am and didn't eat again until 5:30.

I am really giving some serious consideration to finding new methods to cope with the Volume of work I have because what I am doing now ISN'T working. There is never a break. If I don't have an exam to study for, I have an assignment due, If I don't have an assignment due then I have to be reading long ass research papers for discussion. It's just a unending cycle of torture.

Perhaps I am beating this, "I have alot of work to do" to death but the reality is, it's my life right now. And I blog about my life. So please understand if I don't blog as much or as much about other stuff. I appreciate everyone that reads my blog. You guys make it all worthwhile.

Love

Movie and a Dinner then the Bar

First, let me address the temperature problem..."It's too damn cold". I knew what I was getting myself into when I came here but I was sadly misinformed. The temperature here is dropping rapidly. I can't go outside without a sweater now. I literally freeze my ass off without one. And everyone I talk to tells me, "This is nothing. You haven't seen anything yet" Honestly, the lowest temperature I have ever felt in my life was around 23 degrees celsius and tonight I went downtown with my friends and it was 10 celsius. Yeah, can you imagine how I was dying? Every restaurant with an outside dining area that they suggested I objected to. No way Am I going to sit outside in this Cold STORM (Ironic considering it hasn't even started yet). I don't know how else to express how cold it is here. It's just cold!!

Now that I mentioned I went downtown I have to tell you that I had Sushi for the first time in my life tonight. I thought it was something I would love but I guess it was not my cup of tea. This is not to say I wouldn't try it again because I definitely intend to. The soy sause just made it taste even worst for me, which is not the reason why chefs provide it during the meals. Also I think Wasabi should not be eaten....EVER. That thing is dangerous. To me it just made the food just plain inedible. It's so strong. The next time I eat sushi it will be without Wasabi, definitely, and perhaps a more tasteful sause. I think it would be great with these minor adjustments. To complicate matters the meal was only served with chop sticks. I can't use chop sticks, but luckily I have alot of asian friends now who are teaching me the art of eating with them. It was so challenging eating with these foreign objects. My mom was teaching me how to use them when I was younger but never persisted with it. Always went back to the fork because it was easier. Surprisingly, my asian friends find using forks difficult. lol. Really? So while the area around my plate was a diaster zone; sause, rice, raw fish and vegetables everywhere, everybody else's eating area was nice and clean, including my non asian friends. I sucked at using the chop sticks. The restaurant doesn't use forks and I didn't want to use my fingers so I had no choice but to struggle with the damn things. At the end of the dinner I got a hang of it. I felt so proud. I'm a Pro now....not really but don't think I am that far from mastering it. :) After which we went to a bar. I knew I was supposed to carry my ID but didn't. Behold I was asked for one. Long story short...I couldn't drink. I must be too damn young looking. I always get asked for ID. Stupid American Law.

Also went and say Inglorious Bastards at the theatre. It was a great movie. The killing scenes were a bit gruesome though. After the first couple killings I was not as shocked by the brutality of it all. My friend beside me kept her head covered throughout all the killing scenes (yes it was that bad) but I found her reaction hilarious. I recommend watching it. You will not be disappointed.

Finally before I retire to bed, I would also like to mention that the cute guy I mentioned in my SKUNK post, Facebooked me. Yeah...I was a little bit surprised he did too. At least I know I am acting gay enough now to let him know I was interested. But how did he know my last name? Hmmmm. Anyway, he is such an amazing dresser. That has to be the first thing I recognized about him and I guess others realized too because he was complimented on it at the party alot. The second thing I realized were those beautiful eyes. They were so bright and open. They had to be one of the most attractive pair of eyes I have ever seen. They fit him perfectly. Despite his cuteness, I don't think it's going to go anywhere beyond just being Facebook friends. For the record I am not being pessimistic. I can often tell when something might workout or might not. This is one of the might nots. He is even planning on moving in a few weeks so why bother wasting my time developing anything anyway? There's nothing to be had. I have stopped deluding myself of finding anybody. Boys will be boys everywhere you go. I guess I was just not meant to have one.

Ideas of Grandeur

Before I got here I had this belief that I would find a boyfriend right off the bat or at least have some form of connection with a guy I was attracted to. HA HA HA. Yeah, that was pretty stupid!!

If I could tell you exactly where I was going to school then I think you would understand why this would be hard or even next to impossible to accomplish. The boys here are what I would call "Predominantly white". And do you know what "Predominantly White" boys like? Yes you guessed it...other "Predominantly White" boys. Now, I am not in the "Predominantly white" category (because I'm black) so that leaves me with very slim pickings.

Honestly, I don't know how to work this gay thing and realistically I am getting pretty tired of trying (I have said this more than once throughout my blog but yet I still persist. Why?). Having a gay mentor would be so great!! The only consolation I have is that I don't feel like I am being judged as much now as I was back in Jamaica. I can be more of myself here and not have to be watching my back all the time. Infact I think, I might have become a little bit more gayer.

Basically what I am saying is that I don't think there is any hope for me. I am going to die a lonely virgin. And no I don't believe in paying for sex or hooking up with random people online, despite what I say on my blog. Or doing anythiny with someone I am not attracted to. This might be my down fall but so be it. I might talk crazy but I will never act crazy. My online persona is somewhat a polar opposite of who I actually am or better yet a reflection of who I would like to be. In real life I tend to be a bit more reserved and not as aggressive. It has always been one of my dreams to have something develop naturally, but hey I guess that's never going to happen. I am freakin' 23 and counting and never been kissed. Come on, Who else does that happen to? Only the freaks and rejects right? The earlier I accept that the happier I think my life will be. "No expectations, No disappointments" has been my motto for years and everytime I break it I always get burnt. So I guess i should stick with it more often.

After a few days in a new place I can often tell what my experience will be like. And to tell you the truth, it doesn't look all that bright here. As, I said before the consolation prize might be the fact that I can be more of me and not just an image of what I think society wants me to be.

I might act happy and cheerful most of the time but in actuality I am really not. I am very dissatisfied with my life and it makes me even more mad when I have to work so hard to make it better but it never seems to change. Perhaps it's your outlook on life that makes it different? I don't know. So if you haven't guessed by now, "I am in one of my moods". Maybe it's all the work and stress I am under...not. This seems to be happening too frequently not to be something more deep rooted. :(

I think I have suffered long enough so why can't I have some peace too? I know talking about it isn't going to change anything but it definitely makes me feel better, which is why I have my blog :)

Anyway, I am going to get back to my stupid work and my stupid life.

Horny Horny

Once again I am just going to do a quick blog. Busy Busy. For those of you that want to go to Grad School, let me tell you, it is definitely NOT a walk in the park. The work gets thrown at you from day one and you better be prepared for it. I am dreaming about holidays already. One of my Friends even wanted me to downlaod Skype and I can't even find the time to do that. (Sorry J. Promise I will). From I have gotten here, everyday is an information overload. There is no way on Earth I can remember every bit of infromation that comes my way. I had my first lab rotation today and it was like 5 hours of non-stop information. I work with rats in the lab now, which I think is so awesome because I always wanted to do experiments with them. However, no one mentioned a quiz. So I went to the lab and the first thing they tell me is to go and get Animal Accreditation for the lab. I go to the Animal Care office and then find out that I have to pass the tests administered after the presentation in order to to do the experiments. I was like WTF? I didn't study for these tests!! Anyway I passed them. I got 100% on both tests baby......Take that Bitches.

After passing the tests it was then another non-stop information download of the brain. I wanted the day to end so badly. Approximately about 5 pm I left school. While on the bus I realized. I don't have no food in the house and I have shit due tomorrow that I haven't even started. So took the bus pass my house to the grocery store. Went there and could only pick up like a frozen dinner. I am flat broke....seriously. These asses need to pay me soon or I'm going to die. Also while I was in the supermarket this gay guy comes to me and says, "Do you know how to make a Burrito?" I told him no but instead told him what I would put in it. It was fun talking with him. He was a older guy but very animated.

I don't know if I mentioned this but I ran into that pecular Jamaican guy again. I was in the library and it was a really crappy day already and here he comes strolling right up to me. In my mind I was saying "Oh No. Just please walk by. I don't want to talk to you" But he stopped. Asked me why I didn't send the email. I told him exactly what I told you guys I would do. I told him I couldn't find it. Then he takes out his card and gives it to me. Really? Up to this point I still haven't sent that email. I am will but just too busy to even think right now.

I even lost track of what I wanted to write about. I am sooooo fucking horny right now. AWWWW!! I can't carry on like this. I am like 2 seconds away from humping the bed. lol. My God!! I don't know if anybody as ever felt like this. You are so horny that you think you are going to lose your freakin mind. Why am I so damn horny? This can't be normal. If a boy walked into my room right now I feel like I would fucking rape him (OK Maybe that's a bit too much). I am at the brink. I am even considering posting an Ad on Craigslist or repsond to one. lol. The fact of the matter is that, not every guy does it for me and it makes it really hard to find the ones I want. OK so I might be a little shallow. I don't care. If you can get me hard that's good enough.

Anyway, I have to get back to my work. Assignments due tomorrow, wednesday, thursday and exam next week and Lab rotation and classes and seminars and meetings, research papers to read....etc AHHHH!!!!

A good fuck would've definitely put my mind at rest. :D

Skunk

It's pretty late here and I have to get up early in the morning to go to school so I won't write long. I just wanted to blog about this little thing that happened earlier tonight

So i was in the living room watching the MTV VMAs (Yes I would love to talk about the Kanye, Taylor and Beyonce Drama but don't have the time. However it was nice of Beyonce in the end to do that for Taylor. I actually saw it coming, so I was very excited when it happened. Swear) Anyway, so i was in the living room and I smelt something awful. It smelt as though something was burning. It smelt like a fire burning through something plastic or something melting. I had just finished cooking so I thought I might have left the stove on. I rushed to the kitchen but there was nothing burning. I had left my lights and computer on upstairs so I rushed upstairs to check that everything was ok. We had some electrial problems recently so you never know. But upstairs was fine. Being satisfied that nothing was on fire I went and sat in the living room again but the smell was killing me. My eyes were starting to water and my nose had started to burn. Considering that nothing in the house was burning my next logical thought was that the community was spraying gas for mosquitos (In Jamaica they do that alot to reduce the risk of Malaria). I then said to myself, "I wonder if Americans know that spraying these chemicals are dangerous to their health?" The scent was so bad I really thought it was poisonous gas meant to kill insects. I swear that thing was irritating.

My roommate then comes into the house a few seconds after and says. You smell that? I said yeah. He then says it's a skunk. I was shocked? That was what a skunk spray smelt like? Thank God I learnt how bad it smells before I accidentally ran into one. At first I thought my roommate got sprayed but apparently not. It would have been so funny if he was. lol. I was so excited. I have always always wanted to know what a skunk spray smells like. Now I do. However the excitement didn't last long. This damn smell will just not leave the house. My eyes are burning, my lungs are dying and it freakin' hurts to breathe. I want to sleep and the whole house smells like skunk. This scent just lingers. Why doesn't it leave? Awwwwww

It's actually quite hilarious though. I seriously thought the house was on fire at one point. lol

This is definitely one experience I am not going to forget. Everything I ever heard about skunk is true.

I guess I should also write about the two gay guys I meet yesterday but I really don't have the time right now. We exchanged emails and numbers. One of them is actually very cute. Oh the possibilities. :D Not to mention the two hunks in my Bio class. One came over and talked to me on Friday. I will definitely be seeing alot more of him. Why? He's in my department. And I also ran into him at the gym on Saturday and had a nice little chat. OH HAPPY DAY!! I honestly wanted to jump is sexy man bones right there. I have a MEGA crush on him already. My God he's so FINNE. I should stop because I know he's straight and I am going to feel terrible when his girlfriend appears (I actually don't know if he has one). But come on, he is really hot. Of course he must have one. On friday I couldn't even stop myself from staring at his pecs every minute. They were right in my face and they looked so good. I hate torturing myself like this. I NEED TO STOP LUSTING AFTER GUYS I CAN'T HAVE. STOP!!!!

Life Unmoved

Everytime my blog experiences a hiatus I always feel the need to apologize to my readers. It's a strange feeling to have. Anyway, for those of you that might be interested in what's going on in my life then I am afraid you aren't going to enjoy this post. The Reason? My life is pretty stagnant at the moment. :( Therefore if you feel the need to go and do something more fun, I wouldn't blame you. I often experience emotional rollercoasters. So one minute I am on top of the world and the next minute I am feeling like a bag of shit. Right now I feeling like a bag of shit. So if you don't want to hear me whine about my life again then I suggest you run along.

For those of you still here. Lets Go!!

First on my list to talk about is the fact that I got a new phone. I love it so much. I was broke when I bought it but I decided that despite this minor annoyance I was going to get a decent phone for once in my life. It is a LG enV3 Slate Blue. This phone does so much. I don't even think I am even going to use all the phones' features anyway. The thing I love the most about it is the camera. The pictures are out of this world good, by my standards. Now that I have a phone number I am having second thoughts about giving it to the girl that wanted me to be her boyfriend and the police guy I met shortly before I left Jamaica. I don't know if I should give it to either. Determining whether I should is alot more complicated than it appears. I think the police guy should definitely get it but not too sure about the girl. It might give her the wrong idea. Also the fact that she has somewhat of a relationship with my mother makes it even more difficult to withhold it. DAMN DAMN DAMN!! I am not even going to stress over it.

Also I finally went to a real gym. I have always wanted to go to one. Now I have! It is, for a lack of a better word....AWESOME. Honestly I would love to go everyday but I don't have that kind of time. The first day I went it was only to get a feel of the place and learn how some of the machines worked. I really wish I had someone to walk me through it and show me the ropes but I guess observation will have to do for now. The second day I went to the gym I really got into the workout. I hit almost all of the weight machines and spent like 10 mins on each of the cardio machines. There are alot of machines there if you were wondering.....Three very big rooms filled with workout machines. After the workout I felt so pumped that I went jogging across campus. Yup, it was pretty insane. The next day I woke up I literally couldn't move. My arms were locked in a V position. Extending them outwards was like someone ripping skin from flesh. My legs burned like the shit. But despite the shit ass pain I was glad I got a good workout. Might I also add that there were a lot of hot guys walking around too. Unfortunately I never seemed to connect with any of them which really bummed me out. I couldn't even tell if any of these guys were gay. It was that bad. You guys can't even comprehend how badly I want some dick. I feel like I am losing my freaking mind. And all these sexy ass hotties walking around campus do not help the fucking situation. I am on the brink of doing something cazy, if nothing happens soon.

It's like hottie central here and I can't even get a little nookie. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING!!! What the hell do I need to do to get some attention? Walk around naked or swing my cock out in public? Because subtlety is not working out. lol

While I am on the topic of guys I must also add that I met another Jamaican guy here during orientation. I purposely didn't mention him. I don't know why I did that. Perhaps because I thought he had nothing of interest to offer my blog. He too was also very good looking by my standards but despite coming from the same country we didn't have that much in common. That's until I did a little investigating. It turns out he has been living here for a few years AND is also GAY. This little occurance reminds of something someone said to me recently (well actually two ppl said it to me...you guys know yourselves). They said most caribbean people studying abroad are gay and I think I am beginning to think they were right; afterall they have been doing this longer than I have. He didn't strike me as gay but he dressed really well. And this guy is pretty open with his sexuality too. God, I envy people who can do that freely and not feel weird about it. Perhaps one day I'll achieve the same thing.

I also met another Jamaica guy here. Yes, Jamaicans are everywhere. Infact I know four Jamaicans here already. The other two are girls and I know for a fact that there are other Jamaicans living close by as well. However I have not met the others as yet. Anyway, I was on my way to class and I saw this very peculiar looking man walking out of the building I was heading to. He stood out like a sore thumb. He was an older gentleman, wearing a jacket and a felt hat with a breifcase in hand and a huge grin on his face. He was a bit on the short side and obviously had the characteristics and behaviour of someone I would have classified as being gay. As I was walking pass him be turns and says, "What is your name?" This was really strange behaviour. No one had done this thus far since I have been here. But out of the blue he strikes up a conversation with someone he doesn't even know, who is rushing pass him to get to class? Despite the oddness of it all, I told him my name. He then asked me where I was from? So I told him I was from Jamaica. He then said "I am the guy you were talking to earlier this year" I was like "Oh really? What a coincidence running into you like this on the sidewalk" He didn't look at all like I imagined. [Flashback: My advisor gave me the email of this Jamaica guy he knew who worked in the building teaching students part time, so I decided to send him an email asking him how he found living in the area etc. He responded, I thanked him and that was it. Nothing more nothing less] Long story short he told me to send him another email, so that we can set a date to have lunch. Did I tell him I wanted to have lunch with him? No. He's not even my type. I have yet to send that email and I doubt I will. If I see him again I will tell him I lost it. And if I do respond, I have no intention of having lunch with him. He gives me the creeps.

Last night I also went to this party I mentioned a few weeks ago. I really forgot all about it until someone called me last night and asked if I was ready. I really wasn't feeling up to the party mood but I decided to go anyway. And I am glad I did. It has been the best party I have been to thus far. I didn't meet a guy if that's what you are wondering. It appears that I am failing miserably in that department. Hope it's not a repeat of Jamaica. Anyway the party was indeed off the hook. I left that party soaked in sweat. My shirt, my pants and my underwear were all wet. Even my signature on my student ID, which I had in my pocket, got wiped clean from all the sweat I generated. That party was so much fun and the food was good for once. Might I also add that since I have been here I have put on 20 lbs (9 kg). Loving it. I'll soon be at my ideal weight. My friends here know mw for two things now 1. Eating and 2. Working out. While at the party these two white freshmen girls came over and started dancing with me. I guess they didn't see the other two girls I came with. lol. These freshers were pretty smoking too. If I were straight I would have definitely tried and hit one of them last night or to make it even more interesting the both of them. Always wanted to do a threesome. I wished it were two guys though. lol. I need some quality dick NOW!!!!

Whoever gets my virginity better be prepared for an all nighter. Working off all this built up sexual suppression is going to take a while. At this point I am more into attraction (aka looks) than finding a complete package. I don't really care if we even acknowledge each other afterwards. All I want is the fucking anyway. As long as he looks amazing naked I'll be happy. Hope I get my wish...SOOON!!!! Honestly I'm losing my freaking mind here. Can you imagine having all the candy you ever wanted sitting right infront of you and not being able to even take a small bite? Well if you can then you will know exactly what I am dealing with.

The Social Butterfly

So I have been here on campus for a couple days now and I have seen alot of really cute boys walking around but it seems like none of them are even giving me a second glance. I was getting really disheartened. At one point I thought I might not be dressing well enough to catch anyone's eye so I placed more effort into how I looked. Still there was no reaction from any guy. This was the last straw. I was going to give up even trying to attract a guy. This was turning out to be just like Jamaica. I tired to tell myself that no one is going to be attracted to you by just walking by but even so I was getting depressed.

Tonight, all of that kinda changed. TONIGHT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! So they had a pizza party for all the international students tonight and I decided that I was going to go. I already knew a few people there, because I met them at orientation yesterday, so it was a bit easier for me to go around and socialize. This party was meant to bring all the international students from all the groups together so it had alot more people there than the previous day so I was a bit intimidated when I walked into the room and saw all these new faces. However when I walked into the room this guy from Russia, who I also met yesterday, made a B-Line right for me. He was kinda following me around yesterday. I was somewhat attracted to him and I would guess the attraction was mutual. I don't know if he was really attracted to me though. It's hard to tell now because people from other countries tend to behave differently, which doesn't necessarily mean they are gay. He asked me if I could help him and I told him yes. So I did. We had a great chat throughout the night but like yesterday he was staring at me alot.

Anyway, they did a roll call of the countries there and started from A and worked their way down. When they got to Jamaica, everybody in the room kinda turned around to see who the person from Jamaica was, not that they weren't turning around to see others from other countries too. However when they did everybody kinda gave me the biggest reaction of the night. They were like WHOoooo JAMAICAAA!! I kid you not. I was shocked. I honestly don't even know why they would even do anything like that. There were practically more than 40 countries there, with alot of students from each, and they didn't even get that kind of reaction. It was soooo weird. I am still puzzled why they would even give me such a good repsonse. I know it's not because of Usain Bolt because nobody even mentioned it.

After the formalities were over everybody went their way and started chatting to each other. I had my group of friends already so I sticked close to them but I slowly started to go around and talk to everybody as the night progressed. During the night a group of very good looking guys started to assemble around the back of the room. Most of them were from Germany, Austria Spain and Italy. So as I was walking towards them to make my way across the room they all just stopped talking and started staring at me. It was so creepy. To make it not feel so awkward I smiled, said hi and kept walking. Even then they were still staring. It was really weird. Why were all these guys looking on me? They made me very uncomfortable. At firstly, I thought, "They must be making fun of me because back home people always do" The fact they were staring made me feel terrible. I hate people making jokes about me. Leave me alone!!!

Shortly afterwards, all of them walked up to me and started chatting me up. This has never happened to me before so I was a little surprised. All of them were asking me questions. Where do you live? What are you studying? Will you be on campus alot? I love your accent! Do you live by yourself? How long have you been here? One of them even said to me, "I live on...... Hall and my room number is ..... You can come over anytime if you don't want to travel all the way back home because I don't have a roommate" At one point I started to think to myself, "This is weird. Why are they being so nice? These boys must think I can give them Marijuna or something or at least they must want me to throw a party at my house for them." I thought, "Nobody is this friendly" so I started to pull away from them because I didn't know why I was getting all this attention. I left them and walked away to talk to other people but every minute one of them would show up beside me. One of them actually placed his arm around my waist and gently pulled me towards him so that we could talk. Instantly, I thought to myself does he realize what he is doing? (I told myself it was a cultural behaviour and nothing sexual). Later on, another one of them came to me and started talking with me again. This time he said to me, "have you ever seen the snow?" I told him no. "It gets really cold here" he says" I told him I know. To which he responds, "I know you are not use to the cold because you are from a tropical country but perhaps you and I can warm each other up." I swear to God that's what he said. I then realized, these guys must be gay. But they couldn't. All of them can't be gay. That's not possible. This must be how they behave normally I thought. Honestly, I don't know what to think right now. With European guys I can never tell. I have never spoken with any before and I know they have tends to do stuff out of the normal but still be straight. While this was great, I was still a bit sad that the guy from the UK wasn't as into me as the other boys. He was mega hot. It's always the really hot ones that are never interested. What a shame. Some of them even wanted my phone number. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.......I haven't gotten it as yet. I could kick myself.

Before I left, the University Director for International Affairs came up to me and said, "I am so impressed with you. You are a natural social butterfly! Everybody wants to talk with you and you get along well with so many people." I was shcoked that she would even say something like that to me. No ne has ever called me a social butterful. I guess in Jamaica I was too afraid to show who I really was, so I never really spoke to anyone, but here no one really cares about what you do behind closed doors so I wasn't afraid to be myself. When she said that I realized that I had indeed spoken to everyone in that room. I was having such a good time that I didn't even realize what I had accomplished. I felt comfortable in my skin for once. By the end of the night I knew everyone in that room so well that I was able to even organized a travel group for those people living close to me. I guess that was the leadership part of me coming out. By the end of the party 10 people were leaving with me to the bus stop. I am good friends will all of them now. We even planned to attend a party on campus together on Friday night and next friday we are going to a black light party then a bar downtown. I am so excited. All in all I have made 10 close friends and made plans to attend 2 Friday night parties already. I am sure there are going to be tonnes of fresh meat at these parties. Not bad for someone who got here only a few days ago. Right?

On the bus there was also this cute blond guy sitting right across from me. I saw a wedding ring on his finger so I never paid him any attention. But then I realized that he was staring on me alot. I would catch him staring, our eyes would meet and he would smile and look away. He was so adorable. When we looked at each other it was not even for a second it was like 5 secs of staring and smiling. That's pretty long in my book. Certainly longer than any I have had before. And we kept looking at each other and smiling that's until he jumped into the conversation my friends and I were having. We talked a little until it was time for him to get off the bus. He is very sweet but I don't know what to think about that ring on his finger. I asked him where he lived but he told me ....... I was so pissed. I wanted him to stay on the bus so badly. Or at least live in my neighbourhood. He was so hot.

Well if all of that can happen to me in one night and 90% of the student population isn't on campus yet, I can only imagine what it will be like when they do get here. I am very optimistic about the rest of the year. I haven't even mentioned what the girls did yet. I don't think I will, but there is definitley some attraction going on here too. I really don't want to live a double life again but it's so hard to say the words, "I'm gay" openly. I like the idea of fooling around with guys discreetly. It turns me on like that.